Invisible pieces of me

12/27/2023 

I accept what has happened to me when it comes to my Multiple sclerosis. 

I accept what has happened to me when it comes to my hypersensitivity. 

I have worked and still work to maintain their levels to the tamest I can get out of them. 

I go to physical therapy; I do at home therapy. I see my psychiatrist and psychologist both on a regular basis. 

I listen to my Dr.’s and do what I am told, while never stopping research to see what else I can do to improve my health. 

My at home regimes are: 

Meditation 

Listening to ted talks on you tube 

Journaling 

Going to I.O.P classes 

The seriousness,

I accept what has happened to me when it comes to my mental illness 

My anxiety, depression and my panic attacks. 

I have worked and will always keep working to keep these as controllable as I can. 

I talk to my psychologist one on one at least once a month. 

I talked with my other two psychologists with I.O.P group therapy for 18 weeks (about 4 months) this year. 

Things I do to help these illness’s 

Listen to music 

Write poetry 

Journal 

Meditate 

Deep breathing 

Practice reality acceptance 

Self-acceptance 

Lord,

I accept what has happened to me when it comes to my chronic full body pain and my chronic fatigue. 

I listen and follow all my Dr.s orders and take my prescribed meds the way they are stated to be taken on their bottles. 

I go to Physical therapy and listen to what they say so I can continue the exercises they show me at home. 

Things I do to help ease my pain 

Use cbd cream to rub on my sore muscles 

Use my tens unit 

Use my thera gun 

Take delta 9 gummies 

Trying,

It is hard to overcome my illnesses when as soon as I get a hold of one of them, then something else on that same illness comes along. A new symptom or worsening symptom etc. 

Now, I don’t have only the first symptom of this illness to try and maintain (whatever I am doing that moment), but now I must figure out how to deal with another symptom playing off the same illness. 

Although this is tricky enough it is not all that will happen (I've learned through experience.) 

Now, my first symptom will change either slightly or to a very noticeable change. 

This means I must catch it quick to take care of it before it blows up into more symptoms to handle all at once. 

This may mean switching regimes, medications etc. 

A very fine balance that is not easy to keep a recipe for (since it is ever changing.) 

Keeping my Dr.s in the loop so I can change dosages or change medications completely to put out these new fires before they become a blaze. 

Now, with the new meds not only can new symptoms arise, new symptoms from your symptoms you carry now can also arise. 

If you think this sounds confusing, think about how it is for me to keep up with (trying to remember and know what symptom came from what and how every symptom is acting and if they are now interfering and compromising the illness they came from.) Every time something new symptom, medication or illness comes along to my world (which is a lot more frequent than most would think.) 

Always changing,

So don’t be fooled by thinking illness is a one and done Miricale. It is not, by any means. In fact, these are for life and are always changing. Not just every five years, every one year, every month or day it is all of those. Switching drugs finding a new temporary balance trying to make your life as comfortable as possible. 

The more illnesses the more complex, for every illness has these roadblocks to always look out for. Then each illness and each of its symptoms Reak havoc on each of the other illnesses and symptoms. Right now, I am diagnosed with 22 irreversible illnesses I will have for life. 

Again, I balance these sometimes but, there is so much to ask and think about and try...That once you make a correction there are others now acting up and or becoming new to you that you must go through the same process repeatedly for each, some even more than once. 

When one needs adjusting more than likely you are throwing others off as well then it becomes a guessing game of where is this coming from? How can I help this? Do I call the Dr.? Do I go to the ER? Followed by so many more serious questions for serious life choices.  

Today is another high pain day. Although it is less intense than the past days doesn't mean I'm painless (At all.)

I listen, I tried, I am consistent. I do what I am told to do and try everything that I possibly can to control my pain issues.

I listen to Dr.'s as well as myself while trying to balance a healthy life without over stressing my worn-down muscles.

With all of that said and taking the highest amounts of pain meds and anxiety meds that they are allowed to prescribe; it seems as though I am in a standstill my pain level isn't low enough to allow me to exercise (Even for the lightest in weight.)

My fatigue has heightened due to my pain staying at such a high level every day. This is causing my Anxiety and Panic attacks to be heightened and be more persistent every day as well.

The little energy I do have I am grateful for. It allows me to go to the bathroom and eat (The very little that I do.)

I am going back to physical therapy for needling and much needed stretching techniques. I fear that this will wipe me out for days after thinking of the excess pain and fatigue it will bring. I also will be going to physical therapy on a separate day to get my stomach moving with massage and yoga to try and help my IBS.

I am still doing all I can and trying to do it more consistent. the problem lies that I am not in control of too much my body wants and needs to do anymore...Yes, I push myself but, not as hard as I need in leu of having low energy and not wanting to heighten my pain any more than it already is.

Opposite action: Identifying an emotion that you want to change. 

What am I feeling? (Identify) 

What is my action/urge? 

Identify the opposite action of your action urge. (What is it?) 

Use your opposite action all the way. 

Use the same opposite action over and over again until it works. 

Recognize what you are feeling, ask “how can I change it?” 

Ask, “what is it I don’t like about this situation?” 

Ask, “What is this emotion trying to do?” 

Ask: 

What emotion am I feeling? 

What is this emotion trying to do? 

What is my action and or urge while feeling this emotion? 

What would be the opposite behavior for this emotion? 

What would be the opposite behavior for this urge? 

FEAR 

False 

Evidence 

Appears 

MENTAL ILLNESS 

I just don’t feel right,  

Out of place, mistitled, misunderstood. 

My body is overrun by bullies, 

My mind robbed by the same. 

Although I do all I can, 

I only chose myself to blame. 

I WANT To ISSOLATE 

My emotion is anger with the urge to fight. 

While never listening, never, hearing me out I go straight to my jugular. 

So unempathetic am I to me. 

To accept all that happened, I can do 

To expect more to happen leaves me shivering in fear. 

If the path out of Hell (which I believe I am treading in) is the path out of misery, 

I then ask, how deep is this soul buried? 

Never have I rejected, yet accepted reality and as it is yet, my limitations take from my light. 

I accept this PAIN! Please let me move on. 

Give me back the sense of being free! Please! I beg. 

I know there is no fighting reality and accept the unacceptable 

While understanding the facts may never be clear, I will try to understand my manned life. 

I AM GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE BUT< STOP THROWING MORE SHIT IN MY WAY EVERYTIME I GET ONE STEP AHEAD! 

I am jealous of a life I once had. It is hard to face myself every morning knowing the face I see is failing again. 

Things are becoming harder and more hurtful. I am overwhelmed with non-emotion and feel more than lost in my body. 

Who am I? Where do I belong? What is my purpose? Why me? Why so much? 

 When will this beating stop? 

Everything is so damn complex anymore; I can’t even go to the restroom without caution. 

I AM SICK OF BEING SICK!!! 

Today's pain level with a ten being my worst is a six. My anxiety so far feels pretty low I would say a three on a scale of one through ten (Ten being the worst.) 

My mood is accepting and chill today with my happiness level being a seven of ten. 

I had a peaceful night's rest. With no bad dreams, although I did have to tell a couple of them to leave is okay. It was totally fine with me catching these terrors before they were able to fully absorb and control my thoughts for however long. 

I'll keep doing my anger and sleep journals to help keep my bad thoughts out of my head, stopping them from processing and manifesting into larger problems during the night for me. 

My work as of late is showing a great pay off towards my health. I will not stop using what I have learned and the knowledge I have (ever again) in these types of situations. 

NO MORE 

Abandonment/ neglect/ lies/ trauma and fear. 

I will not allow these emotions to control my thoughts. 

Have you heard of me? 

My invisible foot steps 

The unscented toxicity of my breath 

My razor-sharp depth in my lashings 

My negative influence. 

I am: 

Toxic 

Narcissistic 

Stress inducing 

Debilitating 

Behavior changing 

Life - bending. 

Have you heard of me?

My residency is permanent 

The feelings I bring are torturous 

I steal all of your senses 

Shatter all of your dreams 

Re – arrange your ways of thinking 

Your, seeing your feeling, 

Your life. 

I am: 

A thief 

A bully 

A terrorist 

Emptiness 

Seclusion 

Sadness 

And loss. 

Have you heard of me? 

I am: 

With too much suffering in our lives, we must take time to heal the pain.

First, we need to face our pain and accept it is real.

Accepting that our pain is real is the only way we can ever really move on and away from it. This does not mean in any way the fear and or pain will never show again in our life, but what it does show is that they are real.

We face our fear, see what and where it derives from and with every answer, we diminish its greatness.

Simply, we cannot be at conflict with ourselves and expect to stay healthy. Without any closure we only will replay a feeling over to the point where we breakdown emotionally.

Happiness is an inside job we need to focus all our energy on it. Once we learn how to and that we can get through our storms is the time we will learn how to truly live the lives we were meant too.

While remembering that it is okay to be sad and or face darker times because now, we know they will never last.

Remembering “I did this before I can do it again.”

Check in with yourself many times a day and ask yourself the following questions.

How are you? What do you need? What is bothering you? How can you resolve this issue before allowing it to consume your whole day?

Before you say yes to anybody ask yourself.

Am I doing this for this person? Or am I doing this for myself?

Am I doing this because I want to? Or am I doing this because if I don’t will, I feel guilty?

Ask yourself. Why do I want to do this?

Is it because of guilt? Do you feel fear?

Is this good for me to do right now?

Ask these questions it is a good way to get behind and back yourself.

This will help you to understand what you are doing and why you are doing it.

This will help you understand how to take care of “you” in your times of need (Put you first.)

05/18/2023

I’m feeling heavy and blue today.

I think I am fine with it.

I’m a little emotionless, a little non-caring, but still loving.

I have a feeling of a blank stare.

While enjoying people as long as they are silent.

I’m sad, but content, for today.

I wish this pain away.

I know there is only more to come.

Today, tomorrow, whenever (it will come.)

It’s already a blur, as I am.

I’m just tired today.

I’m tired of being tired.

Tired of having no energy.

Tired of being fatigued.

Tired of being emotionless, heartless and misunderstood.

Tired of trying so hard (Only to fail.)

I want the simple things to be simple again.

I want to brush my teeth, shave, talk, put on my shoes, without having roaring consequences to pay for every time.

I try to keep positive (Man, do I miss my positivity!)

But my anger blocks all the inner beauty I hold.

I am sad today I am tired today and I am pissed off today.

The emotions tied to anger maybe the following.

Feeling embarrassed, hurt, frustrated, insecure, hungry, grief, anxiety, stress, threatened, tired, content, guilt, jealous, scared, and or shame.

If you name and identify your anger with emotions, it will help you control that anger.

Some anger factors are:

Sleep deprivation

Substance abuse

Fear of loss or abandonment in relationships.

Lack of ability to express feeling.

Growing up in an angry household.

Try to regain control of your anger, ask yourself these questions.

Are your determinations fact or are they exaggeration?

2) What feelings are bringing on your anger?

3) Is there evidence behind my thought?

Use anger to learn from it.

Remember anger is BOTH healthy and unhealthy.

Anger comes from many components some are being embarrassed, being ashamed or being misheard.

Anger is an emotion we need to understand this while also taking in the fact there usually is more to anger than just the emotion.

Ask yourself: 1) Why do I feel this way? 2) What can I do? 3) Why did this happen?

Although I may want to do things and go places, certain things have certain reasons for me to stay away from them. (And I listen.)

It is easy to stay away from the people you do not need in your life.

On the other hand, it is so hard staying away from the people you care for and want to see.

I miss the carefree and spontaneous side of me, but I also understand the illnesses I now have that did not affect me back then.

I understand I need to listen to their warnings and take my symptoms very seriously if I want to protect my health.

This still does not make breaking simple plans with friends easy. Although they may understand, this mental abuse I get from anxiety and depression does not stop it in any way from holding its self-back.

Anymore it seems my new “normal” is being quick to make plans and then needing to break them just as fast. I know this is what I need to do (making these decisions) but it is not who I want to be portrayed as either.

Life is a double-edged sword when it comes to doing what is right for me. No matter what my decision, I am always hurt.

I am aware of my health and aware of what surroundings may harm me more than do good for me and I make this a point while being in public.

The shadows I see sometimes scare me because they look like people, someone is next to me, or think there is someone standing on the side of the road while driving are a few examples that I can think of.

Multiple sclerosis has stolen my muscular strength and left me weakened, pained and in constant discomfort.

The chronic depression and anxiety along with paranoia multiple sclerosis has given me is a reminder of how fragile one mind really is and how hard it is to fight for your mental stability when you are constantly battling impure thoughts of sadness, defeat and uncontrollable anger mixed with grief.

I feal broken weak and feeble with bowl intolerance bladder spasms and embarrassing leakage.

I am hungry, but also, I am nauseated to the point of vomiting every day.

Then when I can eat my throat so inflamed closes while I am trying to swallow causing me to choke a spit up my food.

If I am lucky enough to swallow my food without choking, I must pray it does not get stuck in my windpipe causing me to “yet again” choke.

As with everything else related to my illnesses all my eating issues of course add to my already high anxiety and many times they end up sending me into severe panic-induced anxiety attacks.

I blend all of my nutrients into a smoothie, at least this way I can get some nutrition, although this is not easy either, it does work better than any other option I have.

I always try to stay positive and try to never be discouraged.

I always shoot for my goals and dreams, trying to prevail and no matter how many times I fail I try to stay focused on succeeding one feat at a time.

I am aware that I cannot change my diagnosis and that I am being dealt a whole new deck of life's playing cards, but I also never lose the thought that I oversee how I respond to all the matters in my life.

I try to take home lessons from all the challenges I face in this compromised new life I lead. This helps me realize the reality of my illnesses and helps me keep a keen eye on my very deliquiate state of health. Also, it helps me not only size up problems or unfamiliar problems, but also allows me to break them down into pieces. This makes them easier to face while I am still trying to find the answers to my health always in of.

Believe me when I say, “I am still very salty that I now have to live this way.”  It feels as if everything I have worked for and strived for in an already not so easy life, has been stripped of me as I have been blindsided by a bag of batteries to the head and a Louisville to both my knees.

Depression (it doesn’t only make you sad.)

Depression, I wish I could “just get over it.”

It is such a mind fuck to be having a good day and yet wanting to stay isolated because you are too sad to think.

To be depressed and feel happy? What is that all about! I wish someone could fill me in.

I cannot stand this feeling; I truly feel as if I may just be going insane.

I am hopeful that when I start I.O.P (intensive outpatient therapy.) classes again they will help me tremendously as they did before.

I don’t know and can only pray for the best during the next six weeks four hours per day twenty hours a week I.O.P holds.

I am staying as positive as I can but must still admit I am very scared to get stuck in this deep depression with all of these demons.

Again, I pray for my strength and body to be re-directed and stay aimed on the positive I have in life.

I always do everything possible to help defeat depression. I have done all the small steps several times and I'm slowly running out of options.