Meandering Muse

I’m in my mid-thirties and I have never had sex. I’ve thought about it and could have had one or two opportunities if I put in more effort, but I always decided against it because I just wasn’t into it at the time.

I can safely say that I do not feel I have missed out on anything. I was perfectly capable, by myself, of learning about my own body and boundaries without anyone else there to muddy the waters. The immense pressure that was there in my teens/twenties to Have Sex Just Do It is basically gone. I’m vibing. I’ve got my routine by myself in bed that I enjoy, and that’s enough for me.

And in the unlikely event that I ever decide to have sex with someone in the future, I don’t feel at all like I’m lacking some essential Knowledge or Skill that would “make it good” for someone else. I fully expect to ask my partner out loud what they like and to receive an answer clearly communicated and to relax and have fun. And if it’s a disappointing experience, I’m fine with that too. It is what it is.

I don't gif using Photopea so I don't really know about the quality result when you export it but the dimensions are:

new year same old media consuming my life

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I remember the first time Ilya brings up Svetlana, that upset me because I’m already reading through the eyes and POV of Hollander. So just hearing “I could marry Svetlana” is horrifying. That means regression. That means, “Oh, we’re living fairy tale right now, and that’s reality.”