Intergalatic Gazette

"Okay," says the human, dangling upside down, suspended by a group of tentacles. "I got it."

"Right," says the voice, which comes from everywhere and nowhere. "Now consider a cat. The cat thinks you're kind of like a cat, but you're so big, he has some problems understanding that all of your body is really you."

"Am I the-"

"Yes. Now listen. Especially under the blanket, the cat doesn't really know where your body begins and ends. He sees your feet, and decides to attack them. He's only play-fighting, but his claws are real sharp, so it hurts. What would you do?"

"Well," says the human, gently spinning in the tentacle's grasp, "I'd try to tuck my feet under the blanket."

"Ah, but then it's even worse," claims the voice, triumphantly, "because now your cat sees Blanket Monsters and attacks them twice as hard."

"So you have to grab the cat."

"It's either that or burrito her," says the voice, squeezing the human in the grip of its tentacles. "And since in this metaphor the blanket represents the fabric of reality as you know it, I don't think you'd find it very pleasant."

"Fair enough," says the human, blood beginning to pool in her head. "Can you please put me down, now? I promise I won't attack you again."

Gate and ship travel to the Pegasus galaxy was suspended for six months to prevent the spread of COVID-19. In that time Atlantis had to move again and also drained its ZPM, and now the SGC simply cannot fucking find it.

Due to an unfortunate series of procurement request errors which lead to a run where the Daedalus cargo consisted entirely of several tons of Teyla’s popcorn, Atlantis now believes Earth has been conquered by the Lucian Alliance and refuses any contact.

Somebody (Rodney) fucked up by setting off an EM pulse before all the earth computers could be shut down, frying absolutely everything that ran on microchips instead of crystals. They’re perfectly capable of dialing Earth, but they can’t send any of the requisite computer codes to prove who they are.

Another replicator faux-Atlantis had been limping towards the Milky Way on a low powered hyperdrive for years. SG1 found it and blew it up, thinking it was the real Atlantis. The whole expedition was declared heroically dead. Meanwhile back in Pegasus everyone’s upset because Earth ghosted them after their last call.

The Wraith finally figured out that there are actually a lot of inhabited worlds in the Milky Way and they don’t actually need earth’s exact coordinates to find one. What they’re not smart enough to do is vary the route they take to the Milky Way. Atlantis has been parked in the middle of the intergalactic void for a year blowing ships up as they go by. (“Shooting fish in a barrel”) Since there’s no coordinates to dial out there Earth thinks they finally went fully feral and just fucked off somewhere.

Due to a hyperdrive malfunction, Atlantis slid into an alternate reality and nobody noticed because everything was exactly the same except that reality’s Atlantis got vaporized about ten minutes before. Meanwhile main reality Earth thinks their Atlantis got vaporized. This mix up will never be corrected.

Zelenka had to hide the intergalactic dialing crystal from another wraith intruder. By the time the crisis was over he’d forgotten where he stashed it. Being too embarrassed to admit this, he instead told everyone the Wraith must have found and took it. AR-1 has now been trying to hunt this single random Wraith to get it back for two years. (From the wraith’s perspective he is in a horror movie where the galaxy’s best wraith killers have for some reason focused on only him to hunt.)

The finally found the real Weir. Knowing that Earth would never let them put someone who was in Replicator hands for so long back in charge of the expedition like they wanted, they hatched a plan: they woke Woolsey up in the middle of the night, told him they were under attack and the self destruct was going off in seconds, and then chucked him through the wormhole. Faking their deaths worked with the wraith, it’ll work with earth too.

holy SHIT my previous post blew up

(lowkey screamed in surprise and joy when i saw the legend @justcakethanks themself liking my idea)

…please say this hasn’t been done 🥹

There are no corporations here! There's no global warming! Normal medieval/renaissance era issues you'd worry about don't exist for genre reasons!

If those stupid anime protagonist wannabes managed to kill mommy I would have been sent back to earth and have to live in capitalism land again!! So obviously I had to stab them in the chest again and again and again until the smugness left their eyes!

@bratthewurst

I adore Star Trek but in pretty much every fight, the bridge crew jiggle about in spinny office chairs with NO SEATBELTS while the stunt guy takes a quick nap on the floor

Penny Rose: Babbles in Baby

All of tumblr collectively at my husband:

Husband: you don’t even have to understand taxes yet! I can explain them but you’ve got several years before that’s relevant!

Penny Rose: wide eyes, staring at her father, almost intrigued

THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND

Husband: Now Penny there is a lot of misinformation out there in the world and I hate to tell you this but the moon is in fact not made of cheese. That is a conspiracy theory pushed by Big Dairy.

1) Did you participate in baby talk to make up for your husband's deficit, or did you also opt to speak to the Deals Warlock like a very tiny adult from babyhood?

Something funny that has happened is that while she formally calls me Mama when she's answering me in passing she does call me "My Darling Love" and I don't know for sure but I think it's because I call her and her father "my loves" and her father calls me and her "darlings" and she's created a mash up 😂

Penny Rose is now 5 years old and she

1. Starts talking the moment she opens her eyes to the moment she passes out at night

2. Asks, and I am not exaggerating I counted, an average of 892 questions a day

3. Does not accept "I don't know" as an answer to said questions, will usually have a follow up question as to why you don't know OR a suggestion on how we can find out together

i’ve tormented all of my loved ones with this video, and now you can, too

I am a raccoon biologist and one of the few people in the state allowed to take in captive bred raccoons that had been possessed illegally. The raccoon in the photos is Moonshine, but she is currently at the animal sanctuary where I work as I had been quarantining multiple new intakes from an abuse case. I still have two males (Rum Tum Tugger and Electra) left in my home enclosure as we are getting them neutered and then hopefully sending them to an AZA accredited zoo.