The Journeys of Inquisitor Allandra Lavellan

It was the early hours of the morning, still dark out. Allandra jerked awake, a sudden fear in her heart. The dalish rolled over, expecting to find Cullen next to her.

The bed was otherwise empty. The side he slept on was still somewhat warm, so he had not been gone long.

Sitting up, blue eyes swept the room, finding it just as empty as the bed. The balcony was likewise empty.

The Commanders armor and sword were gone.

Slipping from the covers, Allandra dressed quickly. Where in the hells would he be at this time of night?

At the foot of the bed, Ath'laros stirred from sleep. The wolf yawned, eyeing his mistress curiously.

"Go back to sleep," Allandra told her hunting companion.

In these strange hours between night and dawn, Skyhold was silent and still, seemingly empty of life. The throne room stones echoed with every step the Inquisitor took, no matter how softly she tried.

The dalish woman made her way out of the keep proper, looking over the courtyard. With a deep breath of the frigid air, she let her feet choose the direction.

Where WAS Cullen?

As she walked, her mind took her back to what had frightened her so.

Nightmares of battles - Adamant, most recently - the arrow and poison that could have very well killed her human lover. Allandra shivered, and not necessarily from the cold.

Her feet took her past the training yard, and likewise, the tower Cullen used as his office.

No luck there, either.

One more place, then.

The dalish spun, changing direction. She reached her destination soon enough and was rewarded.

Relief washed over Allandra - there Cullen was, knelt on the stone floor of the room before the statue of Andraste. If he was saying anything, she could not hear.

She did not want to interrupt, so she stayed in the doorway.

Cullen head tilted in her direction; golden honey eyes spying the Inquisitor. He stood, turning fully to her.

Allandra's icy blue eyes searched his face - she could see he was tired. There was something hainting him behind that exhaustion, though he tried to hide both.

So she moved from the door and into the small sanctuary towards him.

"Vhenan, my love," she paused as she reached him, hands settling on his arms. "What troubles you so? I woke and found you missing..."

Cullen ducked his head, resting his forehead against her vallaslin covered one. "I did not mean to trouble you. I..." he paused in turn - being vulnerable, even in private, still proved difficult at times.

"Was it the nightmares again?" Allandra prodded softly. She lifted a hand to his face, running delicate, calluses fingers along his chin and jawline.

At his nod, she hummed in understanding.

"Allandra. You should still be in bed."

"So should you."

Cullen stepped away, gently tugging her arm to follow. Together, they sat on one of the rough benches.

"I know. I just - I awoke and could not settle again. I didn't want to disturb you, so I came here."

Allandra scooted in, as close as she could, running her fingers now across the back of his neck.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Worry knit her brows together, pulled her lips down to a concerned frown.

Cullen shifted himself, leaning forward, resting elbows on knees. He leaned forward, resting his head in his hands.

Allandra thought maybe he would not answer as the silence dragged on. Her mind raced - she knew a few details of his past, much of it was vague about, wanting to relive the horrors of Kinloch or Kirkwall as little as possible.

"I was back in Kinloch. Trapped in that room under a magical barrier." His voice, not much above a whisper, finally broke the silence. "Bodies of Templar, mages, and demons all around me. For days, they laid there, rotting into the stone, the demons that still lived tearing into the flesh, gorging on it the dead."

Allandra felt an ache in her heart- he'd never spoken about the Hold. As much as she wished and wanted to ease his pain, take it away...she knew this was a wound she could not heal.

"Demons, they love to make playthings of mortals. Especially when they cannot escape." There was something bitter in his tone of voice.

"Cullen--"

He didn't pause, wouldn't look up. "So many times, I felt near to breaking. Maybe I did, in a way. I can still hear the screams from those the blood mages used -tortured, killed - in the Harrowing Chamber. Wondering when they would come for me. When they were done, they tossed the bodies down the stairs."

Allandra continued caressing his neck, sometimes playing with his hair. A shudder from the former templar made her fingers still.

"Some nights... some nights, I can still feel the eyes from those bodies staring at me. Blaming me. People I knew - dead, because they would not turn to blood magic. People I was sworn to protect."

Leaning forward, Allandra wrapped her arms around Cullen as best she could, pulling him to her.

"It felt like an eternity, trapped in that room."

Cullen let out a deep, bone-weary sigh, shifting into the elfs embrace. Letting his eyes drift shut, the Commander took a deep breath, letting his lovers touch ground him back into the present.

"Sometimes, now, I see your face among the dead. And I fear that your death will be my fault, because I cannot protect you." Cullen reached up, grasping at Allandra's arm, if only to reassure himself she was really there.

"Cullen, look at me." Allandra tilted his head up by the chin. "My death, no matter what, will not be your fault or of your doing. Believe me in that, if nothing else."

The former templar looked long and hard into his lovers eyes, but could find nothing but love and conviction there.

After some moments, he nodded - still doubtful, if only of himself.

"Thank you."

Cullen looked confused, lifting a brow and tilting his head. "For...?"

"For trusting me. Loving me, protecting me. For being you." Allandra offered him a soft smile, which was easily returned.

"Shall we go back to bed, now, vhenan? It is early yet."