Inner Critic Voice of Agata's

This last week is so intense for me that I don’t know where to begin.

Quitting a toxic job, unexpected visit of my husband's family and on top of it, all my other manager just messing with my work schedule. I will admit to you all straight away that my unhealthy Enneagram One is living her dream... when my hidden healthy side just screams for help.

It’s a lot of pressure and things that build-up for today. Most of the time I still, ignore my true anger and just try to survive everyday routine. It’s hard for me to learn to speak up and explain my feelings. Half of the time I think it’s because I’m a foreigner and it’s hard for me to really use proper English to describe all that is in my head since I feel, think, and exist in polish vocabulary and mindset.

But to be honest I’m starting to realize that I don’t say a lot of things because my true anger just paralyzes me. It takes so much over that I feel trapped by it and I can’t let any sound out.

I am really disappointed with myself. I thought by now with so many months passing by I would find a way to express myself better.

It sucks when you wish to be a good host, daughter in law or a friend, and in the end your judgmental, impatient, and frustrating side just takes over.

All my late teens and early twenties I was a pro with quitting a job. Always driven by a strong reason of misjustice or abuse I had always a a good reason to move on and leave behind a madhouse.

That's why today this moment feels bittersweet. Just a second ago I send the longest and most emotional email to my boss to explain why this season will be my last with our company. I carried this decision for a long time dragging the moment of departure because I was always trying to find a reason to stay. And as much I tried this to work small and bigger things build over the past 3 years. To be honest I don’t know if I would go thru with this decision if I would not study Enneagram. I saw clearly why I felt the way I did and why I was avoiding making this step. But there is time to say enough it’s enough and to move on. I’m scared about what the future holds and how much I will miss working at this particular place. I just know and I feel deep inside I don’t want to go through life by putting work above my relationship and friendship that I’m still lacking because of my “No Free time” reality.

As Type One I feel bad because on some level I know I will disappoint my boss with this decision or even upset her. And to be honest that's the last thing I really want to do to her.

Sometimes I feel like a star of my own musical and the starter song would be “Help” by the Beatles.  I see lately a lot of people struggling. With their decisions, emotions, and life in general. But when you see your own husband suffer from it and not be able to express it and address it in the way he could find a way for Help and relief it’s frustrating.

I’m trying to remind myself to not push and not judge and build resentment towards him as my natural Enneagram One habitat would proceed when he is just too stubborn to listen to my advice.

So I left the room with no words to just not get to that place of Anger.

It’s hard to know and noticing things that may help him find himself because as Number 9 he is a lost soul with not too much understanding for his own being. It’s a lot of pain in his eyes and heart and it’s hard to watch when someone just can’t try to break a cycle of pain.

So I’m trowing in the air a small wish that maybe by some miracle he will find his own way to find happiness without jeopardizing and pushing our relation away.

Sometimes I get a vibe from people close to me that they are sick and tired of me talking about the enneagram. The first reason is that most of them don’t understand the idea that you can very precisely categorize people into 9 types and secondly I think most people just don’t have a need to dig deeper into their souls in fear of what they would find.

I was very motivated for changes in my life. Most importantly I wanted to find my true smile and happiness and on a side note, I felt I need to find a way to help my marriage to be more healthy. I never doubt in my relationship, of course, I get mad at my husband - as Enneagram One it would be weird if my Type 9 husband would not drive me insane - and sometimes I exaggerate my resentment towards him but in recent 2 years, I felt like I’m more frustrated and overwhelmed by our dynamic. So of course I felt passion to fix it - again as Typical One that's just something I was programmed in my core to do.

I don’t even know how to describe to you guys what I feel current. Of course, I do fixate on my Type One sins but something is different. I actually see it and I’m more aware of where it comes from...of course I can’t change my reactions but I’m still working on actions and decisions involved by those emotions. It is not only liberating but fascinating by..just giving yourself space to feel better...

As more compassion I start to have to others I just wish my husband could feel this relief as well... It makes me sad he is not very interested to study enneagram. I think as type nine he would benefit from it so much. He often just ignore his own desires and dreams ...just going thru life really often repeating “I don’t know what I want to do in my life/with my life”. He tunes out by video games and drumming but he never really focus on what he feels. I know as men he just doesn’t have the desire to dig so deep and it can feel to the feminine task to just feel absorbed by. But I truly believe he would find a clear message of who he wants to be and find peace - what ironically Type Nine seeks to Find in life.

Some of you who get on this blog by accident - probably none of those post as single attraction will have any sense but if you ever felt lost and just had no idea how to help yourself..just check out enneagram and give it a try... at this point you have nothing to lose.

Someone said that 2020 was canceled. Someone else said that in reality, we as a human race for the first time for a while had a chance to see true priorities and goals for our selves and our communities. I’m willing to go towards that second opinion because as deeper I look at me and my soul I have true clarity of what my Goals Are.

I began to work on me with little steps and no big expectations. As Enneagram One I’m trying to avoid putting myself in the trap of thinking that I need to “reach perfection”. That being said all smart books I did read suggest to look for and observe my “Improvement Paradox”. As someone suggested I did start meditation. I need to admit it’s working great so far in the last few days I got more insight on what is really wrong then I did in the last couple of years. I basically disarmed all factors, decisions, steps, my relationships with family, friends, or work. It wasn’t easy but I got a bigger picture of what I want to avoid, rid off, change and work on or keep it as it is. I discover that not only I let others ride on my “Type One” sins and use as a poppet for their benefits in the last 3 years but also I (again) put myself on the side and ignored my true Me. For some of you, that won't feel like a big revelation but for me, it gave me the power of making a decision for my future what I want to do about it.

The next step they suggest for type One is to learn to relax, light up more, and find a way to have fun and pleasure. It’s not like Type Ones are uptight boring people but our decision and lives can be very task, work focus orientated what leads to not enough time for yourself and relax in general. And unfortunately in my case it’s very true. As Self Preservation subtype One I’m often worried... especially since I moved to the USA and healthcare and insurance is not as easy to have as it is in Europe. I got very fixated on idea that I need to work as much as i can that I can afford just in case hospital bills... in that process, I didn’t have a true vacation with my husband in over 3,5 years!!! - we're back in Europe I would have 2,5 weeks vacation every year...so as you see this change had a huge impact on my psychological health and no wonder I started to feel lost and unhappy.

The other steps I need to focus on and they sound almost impossible for me to deal with is to Learn that “Good enough” is good enough and during my relaxation time learn to challenge my inner critic voice by even joking with it and develop more compassion for myself. It’s not like it’s impossible for me to imagine this scenario in my life where I do this but I know it will cost me a lot of time to get with this task where I want.

What I’m excited about is to start prioritizing Fun and Humor!

They say that to value your feelings you need to start to own your positive attributes. I’m looking at myself and others often thru negative lenses so to make this effort to focus on the good side of life and accomplishments smaller or bigger gives me joy and inner peace.

In the last few days I also start asking myself more often “What I am feeling?” - and what it’s exciting is the fact that I found my honest self conversation skills back.

So I guess it didn’t take me to much time to figure out which subtype I am. After a short conversation with my husband, it became clear that the Self Preservation subtype is the Answer! That being said I move on with my enneagram journey and that's where I stand with it today...

As Type one I love and value structure by finding rules and routines and developing them on an everyday basis. I often overdoing it so that cost me in bigger run a lot of anxiety. I also often feel irritation and resentment towards people but I never ask myself why!

Enneagram suggests you developed patterns of behavior in your childhood so I should ask myself a few fundamental questions:

1. How and why these patterns developed - and how they help me cope with reality?

2. What painful emotions those patterns are protecting me from?

3. Why am I doing this? How those patterns operate in me now?

4. What are the blind spots of those types of behaviors? What they keep me from seeing?

5. How those patterns trap me and what are their consequences?

It’s funny how obvious and hard to acknowledge answers on those questions can be! We live our lives day by day just existing and not even realizing how much of it it’s just coping mechanism to protect yourself from everything.

As longer I look into myself I feel more relief and joy that I’m in this process - trying again. Because that's what is all about - trying step by step just a little bit harder to give yourself a fair chance to love.

Besides Basic 9 types in Enneagram, there is a beautiful thing such as Subtypes. Every single Number has shown signs of all three subtypes but the only one can be dominant - and this is where I struggle. Not only all of them represent parts of me but there are two specific ones that I can’t decide more which is my dominant one. I feel in order for me to do progress I need to discover which one is closer to home but how I can be to the end objective?!

I struggle between Self -Preservation Type One and Sexual. What’s really interesting Sexual Subtype is a countertype for Self-Preservation Subtype. So one thing it’s for sure either one of them needs to be dominand since they have the opposite views on how to represent Type One of Enneagram.

so let’s try to break this down.

Self Preservation Subtype of One is a person who repressed anger by disconnecting from it and becoming to others as this sweet, gentle, warm, and kind person. But in pressure anger leaks out as irritation and resentment. - I can definitely tell you that I have moments where I don’t want to show my anger so I try with kindness (that's how you kill them right!? :D) to respectfully in a kind way have a conversation with someone. Like for example my boss... or someone I can’t just blow with my rage at! So I for sure can control and I do control my anger by hiding in it to the point where later on I will resent this particular human being and by irritation just drive myself insane. This subtype has a nickname “Worry one” because instead of focusing on anger she or he worries a lot about the result of stuff she can or can’t have control over. This is what I would share with enneagram 6 - but the difference is 6 is operated by fear... I’m fueled by anger. my husband often tells me that I’m worried too much and I’m obsessively overthinking different stuff. What is a pure quintessence of this type on One? So all logic is moving towards “Hell yeah that's you” but wait a minute..just wait a minute let’s jump to

Sexual Subtype of One focuses on perfecting others than really themselves. this person is impatient, invasive and goes for what she/he wants! Kind of “Go for it” type of human being. - When I was younger I was in many toxic relationships where I would have a personal mission to change my partner. Personally I believe I give now my husband freedom to be who he needs to be but I need to admit I still have this attitude of “trying” perfecting him for the world and myself. It can show in small things like telling him to clean stuff in a certain way or to let him know I want him to this or that... - I take this as suggestions he probably is overwhelmed with “ shit to-do list”. I’m for sure Go For It kind of person that would explain to me moving abroad 3times, travel and chase my dreams! And for sure I have moments where my anger is more visible and can fuel my desire to achieve and get my goals. The other characteristic is to be “always right” and “my way is the only way” ... my Mom is always reminding me that this is something I would express from early childhood. Sexual subtype also has a need to connect to others they don’t question themselves too much (completely opposite to the first subtype I write about) their anger is like volcano to erupt and they hide their pain as the most difficult emotion to share with others. They also live double life standards by acting out or in secret do something against the rules. As you guys read in my previous post I definitely have a need to connect with other people and find true friendship  as well with my tendency not follow all rules to the T like a typical Self Preservation One. I also need to admit I do have issues with sharing my pain what leads me often to cry or just be without voice...my pain really often just paralyze me.

All my life I felt ashamed of Anger and my twisted little mind. I always thought I need to apologize for my emotions and control them. What I’m reading right now in another wonderful book about enneagram I discover that in order to start making progress first I need to stop feeling shame for my anger and stop hiding it. As you all know from my previous post I’m scared to express my anger because I don’t know how to do it in a healthy way and my Moral code of Type One is concern that down the road I will hurt people and that's in my “bad things” category so against my principles. Because as Type One I want to be Good!

So how to say No to Shame? How I’m going to make this step that seems to be a huge one and that's just the beginning of all work I need to do on myself.

I don’t have any answer yet and probably it will take me a while but if I can crack a Cracker Barrell game I can do this as well!

I’m thinking to maybe open for meditation. I know I need a space for my mind that I can give myself room for making a decision without making fast judgments. As Type one, my other issue is I react with my body where my impulses could be false or “Wrong” in my mind what leads me to overthink and criticize my own steps. My personality type is design to defend myself from any criticism and avoid punishment from being bad or wrong. So as you see this cycle has no end in my case and I’m getting to square one!

I’m too tired to cut my own wings and not let myself be a person I want to be. So in the next few weeks what I want to work on is to.. try not to follow all my routines to the T and be more open for criticism. I think that's why for years I felt so bad about social media like Instagram because not enough appreciation for my artwork would lead to self-doubt and self-hate...

In enneagram journey what it’s hard to head or read about is all patterns that you developed as a child and why you did.. I again got to that part and as always it made my cry. I love my parents I think I achieved a lot thanks to them but for sure I was lacking structural support and I just learned to copy some habits to create a more organized world in my life.

I know it will be extremely hard for me to not react by my body and learn to give myself time to react on particular situations. It’s funny because I always thought I’m good with saying what I think and I want...but when it comes to my true anger I repress it because I learn over the years to ignore the first symptoms and just not focus on them when in reality they are just waiting in my brian storage to be unleashed.

“ Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In the space there is the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our Freedom “ - Victor Frankl

As you all know after I finish my first two books about enneagram I felt a little bit lost with all that knowledge I just received. I was trying to write about my emotions and thoughts about my journey but in this process, I forgot to pay closer attention to what I do.

I just received a new book that it’s a perfect gift from the universe and medicine for my soul because I see a light and hope in the dark tunnel of me being all the time just blindly lost in anger as a typical enneagram one.

In order to grow now, I know I need to give myself space for self-observation without judgment.

My first mistake with this entire journey was to force myself to notice what I do wrong and react differently to it. You can't react differently on what you feel if you can’t recognize when this particular drive is happening. So I’m going to analyze my every single move.

As you see I’m desperate for change. I don’t like my anger issues and how they grow as resentment despite others. I’m not hateful person but it’s easy to get a label from me.

What I love so far about my new piece of soruces is that this book explains Enneagram with completely new details and gives you deeper vision on how much different things can build-up for our Personality...that our deepest unconscious pattern is the false belief that we already know ourselves well enough to understand why we think and feel the way we do.

What's interesting I never knew that the term “Persoality” refers to the part of our character that develops to interface with the outside world. I never looked at it like that ever before. So stay tuned and as more, I’m making progress with my new book I will update you with my new discoveries.

It’s been a while I need to admit but it’s not like I didn’t try to write something new. Why I didn’t publish any of my drafts?

They were full of anger and cruel words. As Enneagram Type One you could assume I was ashamed to share it but truth to be told I knew deep down that they were stek of lies just driven by nasty desire to hurt. As you can see since I left on the side my study of enneagram I jumped into old habits.

You are probably asking yourself what it was in those drafts?

Do you ever hate? You can think it’s a silly question but I know personally people who will never use this word claiming it’s too powerful and hurtful. I feel hate easily. I despise human stupidity so fast that it’s escalate to rage. Imagine to hate so deeply people you love, you live with. Whats’s ridiculous it’s not a real hate. You just think you do because they did or said something to drove you to the stage of mind where you found yourself. - Imagine then during this strong rage wave to write a post, text, or anything. You are so blindsided by this emotion that you don’t even realize you are lying to yourself. You are trying to just hurt because it’s easier to make others feel pain than to receive it by yourself.

I took a break. To let myself a chance to see and meet the real me that is mature enough to move on from certain things and learn something in the process.

Plus on side note I just order new set of books that will let me hopefully jump even more deeper into enneagram and maybe... just maybe give me more hints of how this progress of self grow should go further.

xxx

Since I finished reading my first two books about enneagram I feel a little bit lost and without a guideline. Changing habits and how you respond to certain stuff it’s a hard process of failing. And of course as enneagram type One I don’t know how to do it in a healthy way. I suppress my anger and my disappointment and focus on tasks. In the last 2 weeks not only I furnished upstairs floor in my house that stayed basically empty for 6 months, I also created two new bookshelves, take care of my yard, reorganize stones down the creek on my property but also I did create 30 bead jewelry pieces, stitch and record a million of Tik Tok videos that clearly nobody wants to see it (but I just have too much fun with it) and on top of it every day I still maintain to clean my house and work my online job... and lately, let me tell you I do 44 hours on that field to so...

what I’m trying to say to you here is... instead of dealing with how I express anger and deal with my emotions, expectations ..in the last 4 weeks, I was avoiding my inner critic voice and just kept myself busy and tired...to the limit where I can literally physically for the first time in my life see it. I have dark circles that I never had, my skin is more dry and ashy...but I cover it up every day with foundation so it didn’t bug me too much...

But after so many days of cheering other people up... and trying to avoid Corona subject conversation to keep people around me just a little bit happier I feel tried and just angry. Angry that nobody sees the bigger picture. Angry that people are getting in panic and obsession without rational thinking...Angry that someone can close woods...and forest from the entire world but keep Walmart open...

Jealous that other people have a wolfpack of support and friendships.

Jealous of kind words and love other people receive...

Jealous that only because of my believes and principles I can’t connect with more human beings.

My husband is m best friend but he is a Man. He will never understand the feminin delicate side in me so...I’m lucking here some female compassion and support and that makes me angry because I support everyone.

I never expect others to give me the same emotions or love back - I just do what in my heart feels right but once in a while I realize how other human beings just suck as.

I will not speak for all Immigrants in this post.

I found once a quote of some random person on the Internet and he in a brilliant way described my own experience of  “How it feels to be an Immigrant”. I can remind myself of exact words so I will use my own.

I never had the desire to move abroad. I did love to travel but I just never saw myself as that person finding her life path somewhere else. But 2011 happened and it was a point in my life where I had enough and I knew I need changes.

My first journey as an immigrant starts in Berlin. I owed to this city some major lessons - good and bad. It never felt like home tho. To be honest, Germany crushed my soul. I didn’t feel I belong and my 4 years of living in that country was an ultimate instant battle of the survivor - to protect my roots, myself and dignity. In Europe, racism doesn’t have a skin color range it has ethnicity rank and they categorize you depending on from which country you come from. It’s not just one place dealing with this issue all European countries do and they hate to admit it. I always thought that I was so unhappy there because they are just so different that I can’t meet them halfway.

So the day I was moving to The USA,  to finally be in one place with a person that I love seemed to be the best day of my life. I believed that if I will make this sacrifice to leave my family behind and be with a person I love will heal my soul. of course, I would be a liar if I would say that it wasn’t true. I knew I want to be with my husband and I’m happy where I am now but ... I need to admit I had no idea what it means to leave behind your family so far away and how much it hits you in your face once in a while.

The most brutal truth is.. life goes on. You go to visit family every 2 to 3 years for 2 weeks and then you realize that it’s not even 1% of your life anymore where you can build memories with them. My sister kids are growing, my parents are getting older and time is like a bitch ticking and reminding you that you chose a path where you will need to be able to say goodbye to the life you had.

So next time when you judge an immigrant - remember this person left a piece of heart and soul in place from where there is no recovery from. They sacrifice something to be in a place where they are now.

I love my life and I don’t regret my choices - but I need to live with consequences. That not all people would understand how I feel or how I think - because I’m Polish and I will always think as one. Consequences that I will miss home even tho I gained a new one. Consequences that I will always be an alien in place I call home today.

I like to believe that I’m just equal with all my neighbors and coworkers but at the end of the day a little plastic card is establishing my status and where is my place in this madhouse.

As a teenager and young adult woman, I struggled with loving my body. I’m aware all Woman go through this period but most of us don’t know-how honestly talk about it.

I could blame media, higher expectations from society but this little obsession I will probably blame on my Mom. Her mother is a larger, chubby Woman. My grandmother fully accept herself and to be honest in my opinion she is not as overweight as my Mom likes to describe her. I love My Mom. We are best friends and she made me a strong person but her obsession over calories and looks went hard on me - as a child, I felt it was just this another thing that she would criticize me for and as an Enneagram Type One that's like torture to me.

I was always bigger than my older sister. People would assume I’m older because I was a tiny bit taller and just chubbier. I love Food - and as a child for chocolate, I would do ANYTHING. I enjoyed eating but I would not call it an obsession. I was just a little girl enjoying life. That changed when my mom instantly would remind me that I’m  “eating too much”. I know she was protecting me from my own desire to eat entire chocolate that exists on this planet but that criticism regarding food and how much I eat would hunt me to this day! what was frustrating in this situation she would never just said “hey you got fat, just be careful “ she would just say “ you eat too much” - to this day if someone would use those words to me I’m getting Angry as hell.

So I went through fazes where I would be slim and then a little bit more chunky. I never got overweight or extremely skinny so nobody would botter to talk to me about food disorder because either way I still looked “healthy” but in my mind, I would be on the instant battle ...

This war zone came back into reality in my life when I moved to the USA. American food is much more processed and I gained weight. I started to avoid so many things but my body would just get bigger. I totally ignored the fact that I was getting closer to my 30s and as older you get your body is going through changes and instead of accepting it I would be mad all the time.

This year as you guys know I went to the hospital, I had gallbladder remove and I’m on diet - and of course, I lost some weight -  Good for me right? I’m feeling healthy and happy... but then I get to my old habit of guilt-tripping myself if I will eat a few pretzels to much, or if I would try a piece of cake...

My husband, it’s not helping... he is actually acting like my mom and guilt trip me if I even mention I’m dreaming about ice cream - and on record, since January I had ice cream twice. 

You see as enneagram Type 1 I have a huge obsession about weight and food desires. If somebody puts more pressure on me then I already do I’m getting into my unhealthy stress levels and I’m getting obviously more anxious about what I eat how much and when.

Problem Reaction Solution -

I’m a problematic person to have a conversation with for a few reasons. My most common move is to cut people in the middle of their sentence or thought - and I don’t do this to be disrespectful or mean in 90% of the time I know where you go with this and I just need to tell you my current thought because in otherwise if I will let you finish I will forget what I wanted to say and it was the most important thing for me to say to you so... This rude maneuver drives my husband insane and I am aware people are sick and tired of talking to me because of it so they would avoid open up to me. Especially that as Enneagram One I would always tell you what you should do... because “ I know better” even tho you didn’t really need advice. My friend told me that I have a syndrome of loving to hear myself in the majority of the time and my own wisdom. It hurt to hear it that she takes it that way but at least I was aware of this behavior before Enneagram.

But my “Good Advice “ is not always directed by negative motives and they are not always to demand from you action. In my healthy levels where I reach my mental Zen, I can inspire the hell out of you and just lift you up. I'm great at it. I know that if I would love to work out I would be an excellent personal trainer. Why? Because since I don’t have mercy on myself I would point by point expect 100% from you as well.

My Enneagram challenge for today was to write about what I can offer to others when I’m reaching my Virtue (Serenity).

Not too many people experience me in this faze because I keep it only for folks that have a meaning in my life or I like them but I know I’m open to listen and give you compassion no judgment and encourage you motivated you to find your own goal or dreams. The one thing I’m super proud of myself I reached and realize all dreams and Goals I ever set for myself. I wanted to go to theater Makeup school - I worked my ass off to pay it and do it. I wanted to try to go to University done, I want to move abroad - done, I want to travel - done, I want to study new language- done, I want to work in theatre - done, I want to work in Fashion industry - done,  I want to be with a person that I love and move to another Continent - done, I want to get a house - boom done. I’m not just a dreamer - I’m a person of action and I reach what I think I truly deserve. Not too many people can say that. It doesn't mean it came to me easily or I wasn’t scared. It took some time, tears, hard work and commitment but I did it - and that's what I can do for others. I can reach goals with you or for you.

(I’m in the middle of Enneagram exercises and this post is a letter to my Inner Critic Voice that I mistake quite often with emotions and actual thoughts. In advance sorry for inappropriate language.)

Since I get to know about your existence I don’t respect you so I would not start this letter with classic “Dear, Hello or Hey” beginning. I don’t respect you because you supposed to be my “gut” my intuition that I trust but instead, you are this little evil voice that let me hate, doubt and disrespect myself. 

You are probably too ignorant to remember but let me remind you those days when you let me feel small. Put reasons and ideas in my head why certain people don’t seek my friendship or attention. Telling me how stupid, selfish and broken I am that I’m not capable of give attention back and really listen to people so that's why they would avoid me. All the time reminding me that I don’t give enough effort or just not being good enough. Taking my breath away by stabbing me in my heart with thoughts that I can’t love or be good to others.

All those accusation that my life sucks and judging all my choices. Every single one. You never let me sleep. You wake me up at 3 am and just torture my mind with scenarios of what will happen. That I will fail. That I will let people down. That I’m just nothing. A Zero.

The paradox of being Enneagram Type One is - I will follow some rules to achieve what I think will be a final perfection but at the same time don’t tell me what to do - because I will do it my way!

All my life I did opposite of what was expected from me. I was raised catholic as the rest of 95% Polish nation and as George Carlin beautifully once said (Rest his soul!) “ Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason “. That was when I turned 14 years old and I refused to take the final step of being committed to my religion. Don’t get me wrong I believe in something bigger then Humans but I don’t believe in church or anything that was design by humans - why? Because history teaches us that Humans design bull shit to control, manipulate and take over lives and minds! I always wanted to stuff my own way. But that was the first more mature and adult decision I stood by against my family's wishes. They all were concern that I won't be able to be a God Mother or get married in Church or get buried in the graveyard with the rest of them. But for me personally is important to follow my own believes and code. I won't follow something I don’t agree with and represent a structure of better build mafia organization.

You would think this rebellious period would hit me only in my teens but as an adult I love to do shit differently than others. I’m 31 years old Woman who didn't took his husbands' last name and I still don’t have kids - what a lot of folks in South just frustrates. To be honest I told my mom once I will not decide by myself to have children. If by a mistake or a chance I will get pregnant then she will have a grandchild. It’s not like I don’t like kids. I just don’t think all people should have them plus I don’t feel like I need this chapter of my life. Of course, once in a while, I get peer pressure and I question myself with this decision but in bigger run - I have peace with this choice.

I like living “My Way” because I know I’m the only responsible for my choices.  I don’t judge those who chose a different paths. I have a philosophy that “Whatever makes you happy just do it - it’s not my monkeys not my circus to tell you how to Live Your Life”.

- and as soon you will introduce this truth into your life you will notice how easier it’s to breathe and exist!

I think it’s ironic that I would share this wisdom with most of my clients or friends and in the end, I’m trapped as Enneagram Type 1 to reach perfection.

You see for some of you it could be misunderstood as trying to reach with every task the most perfect result that was established by someone or something. In my case, I’m trying to reach the perfection that I build in my own standards. So if you will criticize my work that I thought it’s the best god damn thing I ever did I will get mad. Not intentionally it's just my first reaction. If something goes not as I planned I will be angry. Simply as that. Over the years I learn to control my anger towards co-workers or friends but if you would meet me back in 2002/2007 you would probably feel overwhelmed by my personality.

So as I probably already mentioned to you guys in stress I go into the direction of unhealthy Type 4. Today I was trying to break down what behavior I often-transparent from 4 and in what situation that happens. So as 4 in stress, I feel often misunderstood and I will distance myself from others to work on my emotions alone. I often imagine and dream to be someone else, who is more true and free from obligations or rules.

I asked myself what triggers me to feel that way and I discover one particular issue that repeats itself once in a while...

Every single time when I try to socialize with a bigger group of people my voice or stories are interrupted by someone ignoring or just not responding to my stories what makes me feel they have no meaning - I feel isolated and strongly misunderstood. In this stage, I miss my homeland and that feeling of being equal not just a foreigner. When I experience situations like that (and you would be surprised how often it happens) I get very depressed and just not even motivated to try to have friends. To make myself feel better I have my LaLa Land in my dream zone where I’m a totally different human being and I’m not alone and I feel good and happy. I can’t tell you how many times I’m getting into my fairytale world and just wander away from reality.

The lesson I’m getting from all those details is a fact that most of this feeling I have at that moment is directed by my biggest enemy my inner critic voice that just jeopardized my chances to socialize with people. I’m taking stuff over to much personally and I have a hard time letting go. I would love to tell you that I have succeeded and manage this issue even in 3% but to be honest I’m failing. It’s hard to change your attitude on stuff you see in certain way.

They say as more you will talk about stuff that hurt and bothers you as end result you will feel relief and progress let’s hope at one point in this journey I will reach that point.

xxxx