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Until Grace slips out a sentence along the lines of "could you give me a little grace here" and Rocky immediately points out he used a word wrong so Grace has to explain that yeah, grace means elegance but it can also mean mercy sometimes too.

1. borrowing misery from future

2. carrying grief of the past

This Tumblr post is the first time someone has explained to me *why* I couldn’t feed them before those instances.

every single time i have had to say, "i understand that if he had food or water, he could aspirate it into his lungs under anesthesia. i am not lying to you." THEN someone would make a little note and i would stop being repeatedly asked.

not a single time was that risk explained to me. the only reason it came up was because i already knew. i still don't understand why it isn't standard pre-op counseling or pre-op check information, when me as a parent acknowledging the actual risk also put THE MEDICAL STAFF at ease because i conveyed that i had informed understanding as reason to not lie about giving my kid food.

People who are raised with rules they don’t understand (and don’t seek to understand) don’t always get that some rules simply aren’t flexible. That some are not “fine to break if no one finds out about it” or “kinda meaningless so enough complaining will change them.”

Eg.

“Why do I have to bring my coat to school if I’m not cold?” Being answered with, “Because your teacher said so,” means that the teacher is a) unsympathetic, b) responsible for their discomfort, and c) possible to disobey when unobserved, and the punishment for disobedience unreasonable.

Being answered with, “Because at playtime your teacher is responsible for over sixty children and it might become cold enough for all of you to need your coats, and while they might have a couple of spares - they certainly don’t have enough for all sixty of you. Making everyone bring their coat means they don’t have to worry about that. They have to make sure most of you have your coats most days, so that if someone forgets and needs one they can take care of it. You *can* argue with them about not having to *wear* your coat - but you might not be successful, because not all teachers trust children to know when they’re getting too cold, and they certainly don’t want to have to deal with a hypothermic child.”

And sure, all of that takes longer, and requires you treating your child like a human, but it means that their teacher is now a) acting from a reasonable motivation, b) has a reason for causing mild discomfort, and c) is presented as a human open to reasonable argument - rather than an unreasonable authority.

Similarly, the unconsidered “No,” that actually turns out to be flexible to pester power is based in this.

Child: Can we have McDonalds tonight?

Automatic response: No.

Child: Please please please <x infinitity>

This leads to two possible paths - the authoritarian response with punishment/censure to stop the whining, or the permissive reconsideration, “Well, actually there was no reason to say no, alright then, why not?”

The former tells children adults are unreasonable authorities who are not sympathetic to your wants or desires and that things which are sometimes allowed will be arbitrarily and cruelly denied, the second tells them that with sufficient push, the material facts of the world will change.

Whereas if the adult thinks and explains their thinking:

Child: Can we have McDonalds tonight

Adult: Hmm, to be fair it is on the way home, and I suspect you’re pretty hungry, and we’ve had healthy food all week… Alright, if you promise to have a salad when we get home?

or

Hmm, we did have takeaway pizza last night, and it’s not healthy to eat that much fast food. We could maybe have it next week?

or

Well, I t’s a bit out of our way, so I don’t think we can tonight? Maybe tomorrow when we’re coming back from football? Does that sound fair?

And in all of these refusals, if the child starts to use “pester power”, the adult can (ime) shut it down pretty easily by coming back to the “terms” and explanations built in to all of that. “Honey, I said no. That’s not going to change. We can have it next week.” or “I said we could have McDonalds if you ate a salad when we got home, and now you’re not doing that - which means I can’t trust you next time.”

What’s more, as a parent, it gives you more confidence in your decisions. By explaining it to them, you’re making the stakes clear to yourself and once you know why you’re saying no, and they know why they’re saying no, it’s easier to stick to that no without authoritarianism.