what if Ilya had a cat the whole time he and Shane were hooking up? he accidentally adopted a stray cat and treats her like a princess. (I love anya but just go with me for an Ilya as a cat dad idea)
And there’s all this miscommunication because Ilya will occasionally mention her name/talks about her and Shane thinks that this is a real woman who is possibly a girlfriend. And he’s talking about a cat but somehow this comes across like he could be talking about a woman. So all this time, Shane thinks that Ilya and (insert name here of cat) are also friends with benefits but possibly more when in fact it’s just Ilya mentioning his cat.
So they get to the cottage and they declare they’re love and make their plan and then Ilya casually drops in “it will be a big move for (kitty) but she’ll be fine, I have a plan.”
and Shane is panicking and freaking out because what?! “I…don’t understand….”
“I will have to drive her when I move, I don’t want to take her on a plane.”
“I have looked up, you know, taking them on planes and they need to go into the hold. I don’t want to do that.”
Shane is panicking and also really confused because why would a person go in the hold and -
“She will love you, I think. She doesn’t like many people but you will get on well.”
Shane is tearing up because he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, “She’s coming to Canada?”
“Uh, yes, do you not understand how pets work Hollander? Of course, she is coming too.”
Shane takes a long moment to absorb his words and understand that this woman who he’s thought for years is very special to Ilya is in fact a pet of some sort. And so he’s kinda out of it.
Ilya doesn’t understand why Shane is being so weird, he’s not realised that he never said she was a cat.
“Wait. Are you…allergic to cats?”
Shane can’t help it, “She’s a cat?!” He realises a second too late, he’s never going to hear the end of this ever.
“Yes.” Ilya smirks, “Oh! I see. I forgot I never said who she was. Did you think this was a woman??”
GOD he found her because he was running by the harbor in boston one morning and found a little kitten who got tangled up in a fishing net near the docks, and so ilya stops his run to get her out, and she is obviously puffing herself up like an angry little cotton ball as if her little fluffy butt isn't TRAPPED, and ilya is amused and just, "wow wow, such an angry fish. you are shark, maybe?"
and she is littol and also damp and it's COLD, so he ends up taking her home with him and names her fish because he thinks he's funny, but significantly, he calls her fish in russian, which sounds like "RIH-ba," which to an english speaking ear just sounds like the name Reba with extra emphasis on the first syllable
and reba first comes up in conversation when ilya pauses to text his pet sitter at a hookup with shane, but shane can't see the conversation and just "what? you have something more important to do right now?" and ilya who was a little worried about leaving his kitten all alone is just half-distracted goes, "mm, i am checking up on my ryba. i think she might miss me."
and shane is SO instantly jealous and just, "reba?"
"yes, is her name. she is-ah-" and the word "kitten" escapes him in the moment, so he says, "kotenok, you know this word?"
and shane who DOES know this word but ONLY in the context of when ilya has called him it during sex (and thus thinks it's some dirty talk equivalent of "person i'm fucking," maybe) is now pissed but so flatly goes, "yeah, i know that one"
"she is very cute. you want to see picture?"
and shane is SO simmering mad about it just, "no, thanks." and ILYA thinks he's just mad that sex got disrupted for this, so he playfully tosses his phone away and just, "such a face, hollander. do not worry. i have attention for both of you."
and this is NOT welcome news to shane >:( but fine >:( whatever >:( he doesn't fucking care >:(
and ryba doesn't LOVE meeting people (she is the opposite of papa 😔), so one contributing factor to shane never going to ilya's house in all those years (at least from what he tells himself) is there's no point stressing ryba out for something that's SO casual. it's the reason hookups never go back to ilya's place with him. there is already a lady of the house, and she does not like company. and shane is JUST a hookup, obviously. there's no point in stressing his cat out for something SO casual.
and then on tuna meltdown day, ilya cleaned the house up to look nice so ryba's toys are all collected in her room (because she is the only child of a millionaire--of course she has her own room), and ryba goes to chill out under the guest bed until Strange New Person is gone. but what ilya conveys is, "you might see ryba. i am not sure. she does not like new people." and so shane is now also confused because what?? he's coming over here and someone else might also just show up??
"you're not worried about her telling anyone?"
and ilya just *amused look because he thinks this is a joke about their secrecy* "no, she is very discreet. is not a problem."
and shane would like to keep pushing, but he also doesn't know if ilya is making a joke or not, and he doesn't LOVE the idea of another random person just popping in on this VERY big secret.
"i mean, i'd rather she didn't know at all"
and ilya still thinks they're running a bit here and just, "ah, is sexier, yes? staying secret." *wink* because again! ILYA thinks they're talking about his cat!
and shane is a little reassured, but it does add to the day that like. WHO is this fucking reba person??? and WHY would rozanov even joke about her finding out?? is this a kink?? is this setting up for a threesome? is that why rozanov finally invited him to his house? so fucking reba can hop in bed with them?
like a big contributing factor to shane being so "what the FUCK" on tuna meltdown day is the misunderstanding that reba is actually ryba and is just currently hanging out under the guest bed upstairs playing with a spring toy while papa's whole fucking heart gets shattered in the living room.
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