Idyll

Hannibal (2013-2015)

We know that the only thing he’s truly ever felt is his love for Ruben and everything else he does is to numb that need. He loves Alby, but not in the all consuming must-have-at-any-cost way he needs Ruben. I’m not sure Niall has ever named his love for Ruben in those terms, but we see the destructive habits he develops to cope. And while he seemingly has resolved his self loathing for being gay, the other part of the equation, Ruben and his approval, is still missing. Not to mention the whole fatherhood betrayal.

Alby is like Ava, a respectable and appropriate partner, for a now-accomplished author. Even once he’s accepted his sexuality, Niall is still chasing the life the thinks he should have, rather than the one he wants.

The pit of his stomach probably dropped when he felt the all too familiar guilt of stringing someone along he wasn’t fully dedicated to. And friends like Butch wouldn’t necessarily call him out on this. They would keep his secret to continue their own connection, no one else needs to know. He probably got better at masking, being more careful with his partners and anything he took to disassociate, but I don’t believe he stopped cold turkey. But Ruben is far enough away and enough time has passed that he’s found a way to make it work.

That is, until the one person he’s ever felt anything for shows up and he willingly walks with him - risking it all to get his fix from his love/abuser/brother/idol/addiction

Because many of you ask me for... More Blizzard of 96.

—got confused about why I’d never been a boy scout because he forgot i was trans

—told me he was gonna get top surgery scar tattoos to match me after i get mine

—laughs at all my trans jokes, even if they’re supremely unfunny

—calls me big dog (and him little dog) even though he is about as tall as two of me

Then he said "You know, I completely forgot you weren't always this way. Femininity really suits you" and let me tell you I started tearing up