The Many Shades Of Our Blue Planet

Yeah okay, I'll rebark that!

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

This is why I push back on people who make fun of "I need to be the hottest person in the bank queue or I'll die" quips. A lot of us grew up being forced to make ourselves small, and it takes a lot of hard work to get to a point where you are not ashamed to take up space, even if it's just to deposit a check.

this post had everything I could hope for

its kind of fun to uninstall programs you arent using to free up space and see them all beg for their lives

its everything is ok thursday today everything is ok

no smiles refused joydump