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thinking "everyone can tell im bad at this" as i stand completely motionless doing nothing in public

here’s what’s going to happen: im gonna fuck your dad. in his hole, no flip-flop versatile fag shit. hes gonna love it, whimpering moaning all that crap. i don’t care, im recording it. im going to take all those stupid bisexual bottom noises he’s making and im going to sample them for my hot new hardcore dubstep album. it will suck shit and a bunch of poly gen x losers are going to love it and give me so much money because they all own independent breweries in portland where most of their income is from the weekly burlesque shows they hold there. then im going to buy a sailboat and sail to the remote island of tristen de cunha where some of the finest wool in the world is woven. ill spend the rest of my dubstep money on that wool, unprocessed. sell it at a premium in siberian marketplaces. then im going to buy imax, the company. every imax screen in the world is going to only show legally blondes, the legally blonde spinoff about elle woods’ twin cousins. everyone is going to be pissed as fuck and i wont care.

*trying to comfort my cis boyfriend but everything i know about men is from my dms* is there a part of my body i could shave that would make you feel better?

got told I didn't deserve to be gay because I thought lady gaga wrote money money money by abba. sorry men I am no longer attracted to you as of today. sorry abba sorry gaga sorry women sorry world

I'm actually comfortable in this pit you put me in. I like it in here and I will resist any attempt made to rescue me. I'm happy with the scraps you feed me and I don't mind how sick I'm getting.

Parents are giving their children names no one has ever spoken out loud before

Baby Name Consultant is the type of job title you'd see people claim to have on HGTV while nitpicking 3 different multi-million dollar houses.

notice that no one on MTV Cribs has an emergency eyewash station

in retrospect it's pretty funny that the most used computer port for many years just completely sucked shit to the point of there being normie memes about it

I mean when your biggest tech issue is "takes an extra 10 seconds (at most) to plug in if you're not paying attention" that's pretty good! Imagine if you had a printer and the printer's biggest problem was that the paper took a few tries to insert into the tray. You'd want to fuck that printer.

I'd want to fuck that printer.