the closet bard

Mozart (Currently shredding Violin Concerto No. 1 on the guitar, having figured it out within 30 seconds): What other music can be made from harnessed lightning?

anyway i go in to see paul one week in the summer of 2016, and i’m doing my usual bullshit which consists of me talking shit about myself, and paul is staring at me, and then he cuts me off and says that he’s got a new tool for helping people recognize when they’re using negative language, and gets up and goes over to his desk

and i’m like alright hit me with that sweet sweet self-help article my man, because i’m a linguistic learner and whenever paul’s like here i have a tool for you to use it’s pretty much always an article or a book or something

paul opens a drawer, takes something out, and turns back around. i stare.

i say, paul.

is that a nerf gun.

yeah, says paul.

i say, are you gonna shoot me with a nerf gun in this professional setting.

he happily informs me that that’s really up to me, isn’t it. and sits back down. and gestures, like, go ahead, what were you saying?

and i squint suspiciously and start back up about how i’m having too much anxiety to leave the house to run errands, like it was a miracle to even get here, like i’ve forgone getting groceries for the past week and that’s so stupid, what a stupid issue, i’m an idiot, how could i–

a foam dart hits me in the leg.

i go, hey! because my therapist just shot me in the leg. paul blinks at me placidly and raises an eyebrow. i squint again.

i say, slowly, it’s– not a stupid issue, i’m not stupid, but it’s frustrating me and i don’t want it to be a problem i’m having.

no dart this time. okay. sweet.

so the rest of the hour passes with me intermittently getting nailed with tiny foam darts and then swearing and then fixing my language and, wouldn’t you know it, i start liking myself a little more by the end of the session, which is mildly infuriating because paul can tell and he’s very smug about it 

This is not fabric

The class was an average size for the school, maybe 20 to 25 students. It was also a fairly good mix of ethnicities and races. I was however, the only Jew in the class. For that class we had to do a presentation on some racism related historical event or movement, so I chose the Holocaust (I had prior knowledge and access to first hand accounts). There were students in this high school class who told me they had not really known what the Holocaust was, just that it was something bad. Almost none of them had ever heard of kristallnacht. It shocked them that I couldn't tell them when I learned about it because I can't recall a time I didn't know. There was a Holocaust memorial on my Preschool/Kindergarten campus. We were told what it represented.

Tangent aside, I was the only Jew in this class, and it was common knowledge that I was Jewish. One day the teacher showed us a film. I can't remember the exact title or premise but it was about a white supremacist group and the man who ran it (I don't remember if it was about the KKK and David Duke, it was many years ago). What I do remember is being a depressed teenager with rock-bottom self esteem and sitting in this dark classroom watching a man smile and laugh as he proudly said that "No, Jews aren't rats. They're lower than that. They're bacteria. They're stupid and ugly and the world would be better off without them".

That was the point in the video I realized I was crying.

The teacher came over and told me to go to the office to sit and take some deep breaths. That I wasn't in trouble but I should go there to sit or read until the class was over. The woman at the office asked if I wanted to help her fold letters and stuff envelopes for a while to take my mind off of it, which did help. A few minutes before the end of class they told me to go back to the classroom so I could pick up my bag and books for my next class. When I entered the classroom everyone looked over (as one does when someone enters a classroom mid class). The video was over and they might have all been writing a reflection on it, I honestly don't remember.

What I do remember is the two or three Black students in the class all got up and walked over. They asked if I was okay. The girl put her hand on the back of my shoulder and rubbed slightly. I don't remember what I answered. But remember realizing, "Oh. They understand. They know what it's like. They know what it's like to hated for something you can't change. To be stripped of rights and killed within living memory." No one else got up. No one else asked.

After October 7th, after fire bombings, shootings, stabbings, and arsons, no one has ever asked "Hey, are you okay?" No friend, online or in person, Jewish or gentile, has ever asked me. And it gets harder every time. Another little bit of weight gets added to my heart and no one has ever stood up and said "Hey, that looks heavy. Let me help you with that." And they don't have to. It's not their job. It's not a kindness I'm expecting. But sometimes when it get's really heavy, I feel a phantom hand rubbing the back of my shoulder. I don't remember her name, but over a decade later she carries just a little bit of that burden.

people who are straight: yeah i’m straight

-dont go to the emergency room with dental problems. go to the dentist

-bagged greens are cheaper than pre-made salads

-taco bell is NOT worth the money anymore. 1/4 cup mayo, 1/4 cup sour cream, 3 tblspoons pickled jalapenos+2tblspoons of the jar liquid, 2 tsp paprika 1 tsp cumin 1 tsp garlic powder 1 tsp onion powder salt+pepper. all in your blender. creamy jalapeno sauce

-dont quit your job unless you have a bunch of job interviews lined up immediately after

-use resources. food bank, unemployment, housing assistance, financial aid, etc. yes there will be paperwork. but Do It

-dont stay awake longer than 20 hours. you Will start to become impulsive and cranky. resting for 20 minutes is better than trying to stay awake

-for every 2 hours you spend looking up close at screens, spend 20 minutes looking at something far away from you. stretch your wrists a lot

-dont do that yoga stretch where you roll your head around your shoulders. youre grinding down the joints in your neck

-be nice to your friends, bullying them as a joke gets old. if you need a ride somewhere at least offer them gas money

-brush your teeth at any time of the day but especially before you sleep. dont snack in bed if you can help it. make your bed the Clean Teeth Zone. keep floss picks by your bed

-dont tell your boss youre adhd/autism/depression/suicidal. dont trust your coworkers with that. you NEVER know how people will take it and its none of their business

-train your pets to go to the front door when they hear a fire alarm