im tryign so hard

thinking fondly of the time that my girlfriend heard the opening bars of holding out for a hero at the gay bar and asked "is this touhou music?"

*introducing myself to the guards who caught me* seized to meet you

one of us always eat hot chip and the other one always lies

What is this thing

coming to your baby shower and you unwrap the gift and its a men's size large tshirt that reads GAY ACTING STRAIGHT MALE in impact font and I say sorry they were out of the ones that said world's best dad

basketball dracula isn't real dude he can't-- *sudden squeaking noises from the shadows*

*two pool toys having sex tumble by in the wind* oh thank god

*thunderous slam dunk noise*

[doesn't understand jacking off] and I'm supposed to... touch my penis? [shaking my head and smiling, murmuring to myself] touching my own penis... [chuckles] what will they come up with next

sharing a full screenshot uncropped is kind of like bending over in a little skirt and pulling it up a little

Benjamin Franklin originally wanted the American bird to be the turkey but instead it turned out to be the bald eagle which is ironic because now bald Americans fly to Turkey to get their bald fixed which is crazy cuz turkey is a flightless bird