Time eats all his children in the end

it’s always “I understand why you have an autism diagnosis now” and not “thank you for explaining the entirety of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster to me, I really enjoyed hearing about the Chernobyl nuclear disaster”

HEARTBREAKING: friends who i should be going to the movies and playing dnd and watching anime and cosplaying and going to the mall and having sleepovers and exploring the woods with live one hundred trillion miles away

happy mother’s day to that mom who sold y/n to one direction

they want you to make fried rice

who is "they"

the wok left

how am I supposed to make fried rice if the wok left

skillet issue

I vividly remember this because I got an alert on my phone that a clown was spotted close to university campus

someone reported you on your way to class?? 😧

Jesus came back and said inflation is illegal

both kinds?

…there’s two?

hang on let me google something real quick

we should all implode and die forever actually

making up characters is so fun because you can be like “this is johnson he came from my mind” and all your friends will go “yippe!!! horray!!! we love johnson!!!”

love when ppl ask to see pics of my axolotl and are expecting something cute + pink + all smiles and instead with genuine fear in their eyes, and in their heart, say WHAT the fuck is that.

"Multiple leviathan-class lifeforms detected in the region. Are you sure whatever you're doing is worth it?"

now that I think about it, it is hilarious how many classic country songs by men are about a guy’s wife leaving him and how many classic country songs by women are about leaving your evil ass man and exacting revenge on him

as i slowly try to get over my arachnophobia i must confess i always thought it was silly when people told me "don't worry, they're more scared of you than you are of them!" like okay first of all i'm not even sure if thats true, most house spiders seem like they're kinda minding their own business while i am demonstrably freaking out. second of all if it IS true then it doesnt even change how scared i am. like great now we're both scared. i'm scared, the spiders scared, everythings fucked. lets just burn the house down hand in unlovable hand (and hand and hand and hand and hand and hand and hand and hand.)

crime/mystery media where the main character is just a nosy fuck and not a cop is always so entertaining and so much better than police procedurals

Anticopaganda is peak. Like yes please show the cops as the incompetent idiots they are

one time i walked into God’s room when He wasn’t expecting me and He was kneeling by the foot of His bed praying. tf. who was He praying to ..?

dei cubiculum quondam intravi dum me non exspectaret et ad pedem cubilis orans genuit. qf. cui orabat ..?

this is good because maybe there are medieval priests who wanna read this one

hit gelamp sume dæge þæt ic ga in godes rom þa he ne min wende and he cneowlode æt his beddes fet him gebiddende. þf. to hwam gebæd..?

motherfucker stop translating my post into the common vernacular and distributing it out to the peasantry

you know when you’re eating a sandwich and you go to take a bite and like a huge chunk of your favorite part just slips out (like say your eating a blt and you accidentally pull out a whole piece of bacon) and you’re torn because on the one hand that bite is going to be the best bite ever but on the other hand the rest of your sandwich just lost a valuable team player 3 minutes into the game and no one’s sure how it’s going to be able to cover that loss.

who knew my most popular text post of the year would be about eating a sandwich