miss.fear's_guidetothemind

I find myself in a strange (and perhaps overdue) transition period.

The only beauty-related thing that would fuck with me while I was growing up was weight (unsurprising) - i was a curvy Mexican girl and it took a lot of sports to at least be lean. When it came to makeup, hair, skin-related stuff, I legitimately didn't care. Not that I'd never wear it but it was never something I thought I needed to do everyday or something that I was actively interested in. I was a special-occassion girl with those things which I could say made it more meaningful to me and a pleasant change of pace for people who knew me.

But now i'm 28 years old, and only earlier this year have I begun to see parts of me that I feel needs that regular attention now where I didn't before. Lately, when I wake up and look at the bathroom mirror in the morning, I see fine wrinkles showing up on my forehead from the stress. I see my eyes looking pretty tired from my desk job and the schoolwork I do everyday. My nose feels unbearably oily in the morning and my teeth don't look as white as they could be.

When I'm in the shower, I'm noticing more than ever how dry my skin feels coming out of the shower (even after I use lotion). TikToks of recommended products for "vagacials" keep showing up and now I'm finding myself attempting to do more self-care for "down below". Facebook stories of other women I know having fun with hairstyles or hair colors I never would've touched before but I feel like the odd, plain one.

20 years ago, I was an 8 year old girl who was at my tia's house about to leave with my cousins to go to school together. Coming downstairs, I remember the grown ups crowding in the living room glued to the TV. As children, we have the intuition to understand when something is wrong... but not quite able to grasp the "why" and the "how", especially since I was born and raised in San Diego, CA. Its so far away after all and I didn't have relatives on the east coast to tell me how awful it really was.

Going into my teenage years, when 9/11 would come around, I gained perspective with every documentary and news special I watched. I wanted to understand it as much as the next person... but it was still something far away. I hadn't lost anyone, knew anyone who was there, or had relatives in the military.

It was the 15 year mark (when I graduated college) when I began to see how 9/11 had impacted my life. I've come to realize that not only had it impacted my life in more ways than one, but it had made its mark everywhere. The spirit of trust in one another. The blurring of common sense and what is right. Religious hate. Misdirected anger and hate. A society full of people with hair-trigger temper... including myself. People making the American flag synonymous to conservatism. The overall jading of my entire generation.

I feel like most people my age can understand what I meant by that last part. The sense that everyone around us is existing in a high strung, anxious state. That we ourselves are affected by it. Feeling the ultimate cringe when it comes to politics, Karens, and hearing the outrageous opinions of others (sometimes coming from the people we love). We simply cannot comprehend why people are the way that they are (especially when it comes to people we love)... it's a lonely, chaotic state. On one side, I know people who believe this chaos is according to the book of Revelations as well as people who say that it is what it is and feel that it's no use trying to make sense of it. Thankfully, pain and brokenness often exists alongside the beautiful and blessed things in our lives. Thankfully that has endured. That is why we are not completely lost. That is why we're not completely broken. That is why we have grown day after painful day.

I’m currently in the middle of wedding planning and had asked my closest cousin if they would be my maid of honor. I’m at the guest list stage of planning and, coming from a tight knit Mexican family, I can’t bring myself to make an exception for another cousin. About 10 yrs older than me, he had molested me when I was 7 or 8 and not only could I never forget, I’m not sure if I could forgive. For now though, he’s definitely not invited to my wedding. In my family, only my mom and brother knows. As a maid of honor, she would need to know why i wasn’t going to invite and potentially dissuade about 1/5 of my family from coming if they ever found out. Im scared. I love who I made my maid of honor so much and she’s basically a sister to me. I’ve known her my whole life. What would I do if she didn’t listen or believe me?

Five days out of the week, I get up at 5am most mornings and go to work til 3. He gets home at around 8pm. The first thing he wants to do is shower and eat whatever's at home. At this point, its 10pm and he just wants to chill in the afternoon. Not talk about what he wants to do to get himself out of the career field he doesn't want anymore. Not talk about the bigger questions like what we could both do to make it so that he's happier.

But on the other hand, there's no quick answer (tried that). On the other hand, I'm pretty tired myself (cuz i'm also in school). On the other hand, how do we talk about it without it turning into an argument. I feel like the first time I really bring it up, our first argument will ensue and that makes me afraid. I've NEVER done good in fights and I'm simply not strong in those situations. Expressing frustration and anger has never gotten me anywhere in my life.

Is letting someone follow their choices to conclusion cruel? Even if you're right next to them and already have an idea of how it'll end?

Since then, he quit that job and managed to get his salary job back. We don't have to worry about money anymore and he's already earning back the savings he lost doing this. (Did I mention that this was in the span of a week?).

Have you ever taken a leap of faith that shattered the illusion once you already jumped? That's basically what happened here.

And have you ever been by the side of the one taking that leap oand witness the blur of regret and depression that comes after? That was me.

It was a long week of looking after someone who I'm used to seeing as his usual confident self and someone who didn't care what other people thought about him. I'm usually the one with the breakdowns so its rare when its the other way around. He had so much hope in this opportunity he thought would end with him training to be a pastry chef but... it simply wasn't meant to be. I could've given him my two cents during all this but when you really love someone, all that matters is each other's happiness and you'll support each other through anything. Even though it was gambling with financial security, I really did mean it when I told him I'd support him in his life choices. After all, I didn't want to be an obstacle in the way of something where he'd be happier. I didn't want to be a naysayer. I wanted to be the cheerleader on his corner with the pom poms.

In a nutshell, I'm engaged now and living together with my future husband. I love with all my heart. Sometimes though, loving your life as a whole can be a different matter entirely.

My fiance has Crohns and has worked in the restaurant industry since he started working as a teen. Around the time we started dating, I could tell that the wheels behind his head was turning about what could be - not just with us but with the other aspects of his life. He's talented: voice-acting, poetry, wood working, refurbishing knives, and even dabbling with tattoo artwork. His creativity is incredible to me.

Fast-forward to today, and he went from line cook to kitchen manager; salary; paid vacation; and 3 day weekends. But if you understand Crohns, you know that a 28 yr old body has the aches and pains of someone in their late 40s from the chronic inflammation. He wanted to leave so badly these last few months for not just his pursuit of happiness but knowing full well that he wouldn't be able to keep up long term. Also like people with Crohns, this could make you feel like a victim to circumstance. He's not a victim but I can just tell that he's scared that he's getting closer and closer to being one as he gets older.

Hello. My name is Miss Fear. Formerly @sunfloweria.