Piper’s Harth

on survival

peter keeps returning to a city that chews him up and spits him out because he believes it’s his responsibility. in a fucked up kind of way, supposedly it is his responsibility, the same way it’s everybody’s responsibility to do good. the reason it falls harder on peter is because he has more ability to do good than the average person.

he’s bloodied and beaten and exhausted, he’s slowly killing himself every night, and yet. and yet. he still shoves his organs back down and stitches himself up with his own dental floss and he does it all over again. maybe he’ll get a thank you. usually he doesn’t. often the loud minority will swear at him and throw drinks and splash his name over the newspapers, because they don’t care that someone’s uncle went home tonight. that’s peter’s job; to care. and he does.

it’s horrible. it’s awful. it’s toxic. it’s staying, continuing to get up, to go out, even though his mistress has covered his body in bruises and broken each rib into fractals.

his relationship to the city as spider-man consumes him. he isolates and cuts off friends and family to keep the secret of what it does to him, and he lies, he lies all the time. he’s been lying since he was fourteen. it never ends. god, when will it end?

And guilty because I think that's an interesting aspect to explore and I feel like I don't see it much but this post is mainly about anger.

He's going to die furious about what happened to Bucky.

It doesn't matter if he completely burns hydra to the ground. It doesn't matter if everyone who ever touched Bucky, everyone who knew about him and never said anything, everyone who even looked at him are all destroyed.

There's something in him that acknowledges that there will never be enough blood spilled to satisfy him, to feel like justice.

And Steve thinks about it. He thinks about Bucky a lot.

He wonders if Bucky has smiled since he fell from the train. He can't imagine he has, and he wonders if he'll ever see that easy smile again. Even if Bucky gets better, and he will he has to, he'll never be the same. It's entirely possible, and probably very likely, that he'll never have that easy smile or playful look in his eyes again.

He wonders when the last time Bucky had his favorite food was.

He just stared at it blankly the first time Steve brought it to him, hoping it would get him to smile or spark a memory or anything.

It doesn't. And Bucky knows it upsets Steve, so he makes himself eat it because part of him still thinks upsetting someone means punishment, but it just ends up making him violently sick and both of them upset.

He wonders when Bucky last slept through the night without having nightmares or waking up in a panic.

He doesn't sleep at all, or he waits until he's so exhausted he sleeps without dreaming. If he wakes up from a nightmare, then they turn on all the lights, and Bucky walks around the space in a daze, like he's looking for something.

Steve wonders if it's him Bucky is looking for. If part of Bucky is still stuck in the memory of right after the fall and thinks Steve is going to find him. It makes him want to be sick, knowing Bucky was waiting for him. That he cried out for him, and Steve never came.

He can't even say he did in the end. Steve wasn't even looking for him when they first saw each other again.

📍Real quick, if you're not familiar with my stuff then I like to throw these posts into a universe where the avengers figured out there shit like adults and worked together to help unfuck Bucky.

At the beginning, when they first get him back and he's letting them check the other avengers check over, even though it's clear he's terrified and one wrong move from bolting again, Steve has a little breakdown. A combination of exhaustion, devastation, and relief at getting him back.

The others pretend they aren't listening, not even looking at him because they already feel like they pressing fingers into an open wound by insisting Steve not be alone with Bucky and that they got to check him over.

He didn't know. Please, Bucky. He didn't know. He would have looked. He would have gone off the cliff with him if he thought there was even a small chance. He swears he didn't know. Bucky has to know that. He's got to know that. Steve's so sorry. Imsorryimsorryimsorryimso-

Bucky just observed him through it, more winter soldier than Bucky in the sharp focus he had on him at the time, but his attention broke easily and he looked away, slid nervous eyes over the others instead.

Steve doesn't think any of that meant anything to him, either he didn't understand what Steve was talking about or it was just too human for him to process so soon after being the soldier.

Steve doesn't even know if he remembers why Steve was apologizing. He doesn't know if Bucky remembers that he waited for Steve. All the horrible things hydra kept notes of and those were the notes that had burned the most.

He held out for Steve. Screamed and cried and called for him. They told him Steve died and showed him all the evidence, and Bucky stopped calling for him. None of those particular notes mention Steve's name again.

It knocked the breath out of him until he was just gasping and rubbing at his chest because he thought he had a broken heart before but he had been wrong. He could feel all the little broken shards cutting into him now with each attempt at catching his breath.

And abruptly, everything swung right into anger.

He was so angry his lips curled back, jaw clenched, and head aching. There was a rush of adrenaline that made his skin feel prickly, and his heart pounded.

They did all that to Bucky and never worried about Steve finding out. Even a few weeks ago, they sent Bucky after Steve without the mask. They weren't worried about Steve knowing.

They should have been terrified of Steve.

They should be terrified of him.

They should have been cautious of dangling Bucky in front of him like that.

They should have had nightmares about Steve, about what he would do to them once he knew what they'd done to Bucky.

People hadn't messed much with Steve before, before the serum and the war and everything, because Bucky was usually lingering a few steps behind him somewhere and most people didn't want to pick a fight with Bucky. He was protective and could be mean as hell if he was feeling like it.

Even when he wasn't there, his reputation had people hesitating, even if Steve had started it.

No one had hesitated with Bucky.

They hadn't worried about Steve lingering somewhere behind him, ready to jump in and fight dirty if he needed to.

They hadn't worried about it, and Steve had proven them right. They didn't have anything to worry about.

All the times Bucky had come out swinging for him and Steve hadn't returned the favor.

Hydra got their hits in and never worried about Steve showing up.

They should have been terrified of him. They have been cautious of touching Bucky even if the whole world thought Steve was dead. They should have been worried that not even death would have kept Steve from showing up for his Bucky.

So he swallows it down.

Every time Bucky flinches away from hands he has to know aren't going to hurt him.

Every nightmare that has him waking up crying or screaming.

Every time he curls up small somewhere he thinks is safe thecorneroftheroomunderthebedinthecloset and grabs at his head like it's going to split in half, mumbling to himself and staring blankly at whatever is in front of him.

Every meal he throws up because his body can't handle it or he works himself up into a panic.

Everytime he goes to scratch at the seam where the arm attaches to his body like he can peel the skin away from it if he scratches hard enough, everytime Steve's eyes catch on the scars and his stomach drops because do you know how much they have to be hurt to scar like that with the serum?

Every side eye he gives Steve when he does something that hydra wouldn't have allowed him to do and he's still waiting to see if this is the time Steve says it was all a test and you failed soldier and wipe him and start over.

All of it.

Steve swallows it, another burning ember for the furious fire raging in his belly.

He lets it settle under his skin, sharp and raw, because he wants it to hurt. He wants to remember all of it.

And the others get it.

Not a single one of them is completely clean. Realistically, they sit more in the grey areas than the white areas on most days.

Their group is made up of soldiers, assassins, experiments, and/or broken people trying to be better.

They get it.

They also know what happened to Bucky. They needed to see/hear/watch it to understand and they're glad they did even if it's going to haunt them for a very long time.

Sometimes you need to see how broken something is to understand how to go about fixing it.

So Steve wants blood? That's fine. They get it and they want it too.

Steve always uses careful hands with Bucky. Whether he's wiping tears off his cheeks or cleaning blood off his hands after Bucky hurts himself. He keeps his voice even, and his affection comes through in it, along with his sorrow. He makes himself smaller, trying to be seen as less of a threat, which is impressive for how big he is.

Steve is careful and good and everything they love about him.

So if he practically rips apart hydra agents with his bare hands whenever they get a chance to go after them?

If he has to shower a few times when they get back to get all the blood off before he goes to see Bucky? Because seeing Steve bloody or even smelling it on him will send Bucky spiraling

If he's determined to get the pound of flesh hydra and the world owe Bucky even if Bucky doesn't want it? Or even know it's owed to him.

They're not going to say anything. Not a damn thing.

They don't see a problem with any of that. Not that they think they could easily stop Steve if they did.

And if they all come back a little more bloody than usual from missions that involve hydra?

Well, eventually, people will learn that picking a fight with one of them is picking a fight with all of them.

Bucky letting himself being reverted into the Winter Soldier to save them

Hello friend ❤️

I like this because I feel like there's never enough of this type of content.

Blind/deaf/voiceless/etc Bucky is an interesting thing to think about. Especially if we play around with how that happened.

Did hydra go too far with one of their tests or during maintenance/conditioning and accidently stumble across something the serum doesn't heal?

Was it a mission?

Did it happen when Bucky fell from the train?

Like, how would this have complicated Bucky breaking the conditioning or escaping hydra? How would it have impacted Steve being able to get through to him?

How would it impact recovery?

And Steve. Oh, Steve.

The realization of the full extent of what was taken from Bucky.

I think it would already be hard not to internalize the guilt of what happened to Bucky. Especially for a guy like Steve, who tries hard to do the right thing, and because it was one the most important people in his life.

So, to add to the guilt of not catching Bucky in the first place, he never looked not that he would have ever known to but guilt isnt logical and that resulted in hydra getting him, resulted in years of torture and pain, and they took his voice?

They took everything from Bucky.

His mind. His memories. His body. His voice. His sense of self.

They took Steve from him. Even though they never fully succeeded in that.

How is Steve ever supposed to make his peace with any of that?

How can they ever expect Bucky to?

How much easier was it for hydra to treat him like a thing when he couldn't speak anymore?

How much easier was it to do the conditioning or maintenance or whatever else, when he wasn't screaming the whole time?

Was he still screaming for Steve before they finally took it?

So let's play with this a bit.

If hydra took his voice, then he and Steve never spoke during the events of the winter soldier, well Steve did, but Bucky never responded.

Steve got the mask off but Bucky still had part of his mask/clothing covering his throat.

So, Steve and the others because they're not sitting this out. That's their tragic american icon trying to track down his best friend, thank you very much just think he's just not talking.

Which, is understand.

They make it a point to cross paths with him without trying to bring him in, like getting a feral animal familiar with your voice.

He never responds to any of them.

Just watches them with untrusting eyes and the lower half of his face buried in type of mask/neck gaiter.

It looks to much like a muzzle for any of them to be comfortable with, especially with the way he keeps it up all the way over his nose like the mask had been, and he's voluntarily wearing it, but they're absolutely not at the point with him where they could get him to pull it down or take it off.

And trying to do it themselves would be counterproductive to what they're trying to do now, which is gain his trust.

So the mask stays on.

But persistence pays off in most situations, and it does in this one too.

Eventually, they manage to coax him with them.

Steve mainly, but being somewhat familiar with all of them helps.

He still won't talk though.

Leaves the mask up all the time and just observes.

Eyes a little clearer, a little warmer, and his body a little more relaxed.

He shows most of his expressions in his eyes.

Squints them up a certain way, or gets a bored look on his face, or occasionally so so rarely they crinkle in a way that could be a smile.

Or they go dead and dull, aimed down and refusing any attempts to make eye contact.

He won't let them check him over either. Even though they know from what little they'd managed to get from hydra that he's all sorts of fucked up, and everything has to hurt.

Not to mention, any more recent wounds he might have and the fact that he's thinner than anyone with a super serum should be.

And maybe along the way Tony finds out about his parents.

Ends up in an argument with Steve, and eventually the others all get dragged in until they're all just yelling at each other, and hitting where it hurts because they know each other well enough to know exactly what to say to make it hurt, and Tony is furious because Bucky still isn't saying anything.

No apology. No explanation. Nothing.

He's just been observing it all, the skin around his eyes tight and his shoulder going up.

And the next time Tony points at him, Steve and him in each other's faces,

Bucky just grabs the mask and rips it off.

The sound of the fabric breaking up the argument.

It doesn't start again.

Because the thick line across this throat, looking old and cruel and painful, says everything he can't.

Steve is silent.

Staring at the scar before dropping his eyes a little to wear you can faintly see the seam where metal meets flesh through Bucky's shirt, like he's imagining what that looks like now that he's seen this scar, before looking at Bucky's face and how he's getting that familiar checked out look and has lowered his eyes to the floor.

And he's never going to hear Bucky speak again.

The silhouette of where he stood was burned into the cracked New York concrete. The cool darkness of the void seeped through his skin, while the edges of reality faded.

Shrieks echoed through the emptiness — somewhere far away from him, but not far enough. By this point in his life, with every thing he had been through, Bucky did not spend much time dreaming about a Heaven or Hell. At best there was nothing, if he was lucky he'd be reincarnated into a cockroach, at worst there was a one way ticket down to Hell with his name on it. No point in dwelling on an afterlife when he was destined for miserable time, right?

So it surprised him when darkness faded away and a sunny field took its place. There was no gunfire, and a lake sat peacefully a few feet from where he was standing. Water rippled and leaves danced with the soft breeze. Heaven wasn't meant to be in the cards for him. Then again, becoming a super soldier serum-enhanced, ghost story assassin wasn't either until the deck was forced into his broken and bloody hands.

A muffled set of voices floated through the air, coming from behind him. He slipped through the line of trees blocking his line of sight — wary yet curious about where he had ended up.

A sharp rock formed in the pit of Bucky's stomach as the trees parted to reveal a certain time travel machine. The rock's corners scraped up his insides, as he recognised the voices speaking were his own and Steve's.

"Don't do anything stupid 'till I get back."

"How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you."

Their echoed words and heartbroken banter served as a freshly-sharpened knife, splaying his skin open. Pain flittered over his past self's face, more vulnerable than he had been in decades, for everyone to see.

"Gonna miss you, Buddy."

"It's gonna be okay, Buck."

Was this his version of Hell? A beautiful lake on a sunny day, the sounds of war long gone, but having to watch Steve leave over and over again.

Each repetition of their exchange a new rod, flaming red and searing with fire like Steve left yesterday, bluntly shoved into his abdomen.

There was resolution in the way Bucky lay down in the grass, pulling his eyes away from their final goodbye. In this dimension, there was nothing he could do except watch. But even back then, when he first lived it and this was his present, a part of him was resigned to believe there was nothing he could do.

Steve deserved a white picket fence life, and how could Bucky ask him to give that up? How could Bucky ask Steve to sacrifice another part of his life for him? Bucky would never be able to give Steve a life comparable to that, and he knew that when he let Steve leave without a fuss.

“if i’d just told him i love him” “if i’d just told him i needed him” “if i’d just asked him to stay he would’ve”

but then to add to the shame he feels guilty for wanting to ask steve to stay, for wanting to ask steve to give up his happy ending for him. who is he do do something like that? he doesn’t deserve it, because despite all of steve’s “it wasn’t you, you didn’t have a choice” he still did it

TW- tooth-rotting fluff yet again, grumpy Bucky (he’s a warning yet again ok SHUT UUUP), slight angst (cuz i have to !!) WORD COUNT- 1.5k REQUEST - @satanzayoru25341 : Could you do one with Alpine as a baby kitten (based on the Baby Alpine AU)? A/N- OHH MY GOD I LOVE ALPINE UUAAAHH 😭ts prolly doesn’t follow canon w/ both the AU or the comics but idrc lowk . tysm for the chance to write abt ts lil baby again !!

── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ──

Bucky hadn’t ever thought an animal would help him feel better. Actually, he rather hated the idea.

Still, Dr. Raynor sent him out to go get one. “A dog would do you good,” she had said.

So he walked down the sidewalk with his hands stuffed in his pockets, inwardly grumbling at the idea of another mouth to feed. He didn’t mind animals, per say, but he certainly didn’t want one living with him.

So in a world full of shirtless, seductive, barely clothed, sexy heroes - I personally think Bucky would wear loose and/or layered clothing.

Because I always want to cover up when I'm anxious/embarrassed/vulnerable/etc. Or go hide in my apartment, in bed, etc.

Bucky has been completely seen by hydra at this point. They've cut him open and observed, measured, recorded everything.

Because I imagine hydra was thorough.

How could they not be, when they have the perfect test subject? Unwilling but no less perfect.

And if you've read my other stuff then you know I can go off on this all day.

All the stuff hydra could have done to Bucky, physical, metal, emotion, etc.

Because they could.

Because as long as they were careful with the bigger stuff, he wouldn't die.

The same subject in all kinds of different environments with different stimuli and a constant base to go back to.

I'm not a science person, so I'm not going to pretend to know what I'm talking about but I am a history person.

And humans are fucked up.

All through history there's numerous examples of human experimentation. About every fucked up thing you can think of. Done by everyone to everything.

There's no way hydra wasn't doing some of the worst of that to Bucky. It wouldn't make sense for them to not be testing the hell of him.

Especially as an actual evil villain group?

C'mon.

We could go so fucking dark with this.

Back on point.

Bucky's been laid bare in front of anyone hydra felt like showing.

He feels down to the marrow of his bones, the insides of his veins, under his skin.

A constant, cringing, dirty feeling.

Because have you ever had a bad falling out with someone you were super close to?

A friend, a family member, a significant other.

And part of you feels disgustingly vulnerable because they've seen you.

They saw you in all the squishy, vulnerable human ways.

They know the things that make you cry.

They've probably seen the parts of your body you're self conscious about.

They know all your weak points.

And even if they don't do anything with that info - it's scary that someone out there has it.

Someone you no longer trust.

Someone you can't rely on to keep that info to themselves.

Someone you can't trust to not use it in some way to hurt you.

Make fun of you.

Humiliate you.

Weaken you.

And literally one of the biggest bad guy groups in their world has all of that on Bucky.

Forget just seeing him physically naked, they saw him broken.

Bloody.

Defeated.

Obedient.

They have documentation on him getting to that point.

They can go back and say 'look, they say it took this long to get X reaction from him. Apparently he was still holding out for someone to save him. What a fucking idiot.'

Because being hopeful is embarrassing when no one shows up.

And being stubborn looks stupid when you look back and realize you had already lost, and you were the only one who hadn't figured it out.

And knowing someone touched you however they liked and didn't even give you the dignity of being able to remember is horrifying.

And knowing everyone in the world knows what you look like in every way is already humiliating, but they also know what you look like when you beg.

When you cry.

When you're bloody and half dead.

When you're so hungry you'll eat anything.

So thirsty you'll drink anything.

So scared you'll say anything to get it to stop.

So desperate for a kind touch that you'll beg for any touch.

And that's out there for Bucky.

Maybe not everyone can see all of that, but there's plenty of people who can.

Even one person seeing it is too much.

And I think of this quote:

"It's said it takes seven years to grow completely new skin cells. To think, this year I will grow into a body you never will have touched."

And Bucky doesn't even have the peace of mind from that because hydra touched everything.

They're in his blood and bones and head.

He will never be completely clean of their touch no matter how hard he scrubs at his skin, or how many years pass or how many words they take out of his head.

Hydra has left their filthy finger prints all over everything he is.

So Bucky layers up.

Covers most of his skin because if he does that maybe he can convince himself no one has seen it.

Because if he layers up then there's less chance of someone accidentally touching skin.

And it's just another things that burns at Steve.

Bucky was handsome, always had someone wanting his attention, always took pleasure in how he looked and presented himself.

Now he doesn't want anyone to look at him.

He's half terrified someone is going to look at him and find him attractive or desirable because hydra twisted that.

Everyone wanted the soldier.

A chance to have something so strong and fierce pinned under them?

A chance to pull his strings?

A chance to own something in such a complete way?

People paid an unbelievable amount of money for that. They gladly traded valuable information or offered power in exchange for even a small about of time with the soldier.

So being looked at is terrifying.

Being seen even more so.

It takes them, Steve and the others, a while to even get an opportunity to look Bucky over because he just refuses.

The only reason he can say no so well is because fear is the only thing holding him up anymore most days and fear of being seen/touched/vulnerable overpowers any fear of punishment.

And if it looks like they're going to force it, against their will but Bucky is really kind of fucked up in a lot of ways and they have to check him out sooner rather than later, Bucky turns panicked, pleading eyes on Steve because he's not sure of anything is this fucking world anymore but something deep deep inside him is sure that Steve has his back.

And Steve can't ignore that.

He can't let Bucky be scared like that even if he knows there's no legitimate threat here.

He can't force Bucky to let them manhandle him, touch him, even if it's for his best interest.

He can't.

Even though he knows they're right and he should do what's best for Bucky even if it isn't easy.

They can't ask him to do that.

Not when he's already unraveling himself.

Anger, grief, sorrow all sitting prickly and just waiting under his skin.

Waiting for that final push for him to lose it.

And everytime Bucky looks at Steve like that, a consuming and breathless feeling of protectiveness pushes him closer to the edge.

Because Bucky isn't supposed to look like that.

It's wrong.

It's wrong because Steve took the serum to protect the little guy but the little guy was never supposed to be Bucky.

Steve was supposed to be enough now

Strong enough

Quick enough

Brave enough

That he could protect people and what was the point of any of it when he hadn't been able to protect Bucky?

Bucky hasn't even let Steve see where the metal of his arm meets flesh.

Steve's barely seen any skin except his hands and face.

He tries not to stare because Bucky goes tense and still as soon as he clocks Steve's eyes on him.

Bucky likes the looser and/or layered clothing.

Likes that it's not practical because he feels like all he knows how to do is be battle ready and an oversized shirt, or one of Steve's that's all stretched out, is the opposite of anything hydra would have put the soldier in.

He's traded tight, armored, and practical for loose, vulnerable, and comfortable.

He's not the solider like this.

He's shapeless under the extra fabric. He looks smaller, meeker.

Younger.

They're both young. People forget that.

And there's a certain look in Steve's eyes when Bucky steals one of his shirts, stretched out and worn.

Something worried furious devastated soft that he can never seem to completely keep off his face.

He's so good though, because as soon as Bucky gives the smallest sign of discomfort from being observed, Steve adverts his eyes.

Bucky can feel it land back on him as soon as Steve thinks he can look again but it just gets easier to ignore.

Being seen by Steve is very different from being seen by anyone else.

It just feels better.