Harms of the split attraction model:
TW: mention of s uic idal ideations.
Disclaimer, this is from my personal experience and has roots in material oppression, which is oppression that can be measured by how much imperialism, capitalism, and/or the patriarchy (AKA, systems of power) profit(s) from the marginalization of oppressed people.
I’ll open this post with a story about myself. When I was 16 years old, I came out to my parents as a lesbian. Immediately, I was shamed for my sexuality. I remember the pain of the moment when I was told “I wish you were never born.” A few months later, I was taken to therapy, where a very nice man was helping me work through my sexuality. At this point, I wanted to stay in the religion that was oppressing me, so my therapist told me about romantic and sexual orientations. He said that love could be so much more than within the confines of my sexuality and encouraged me to find romantic love for men. The religion that I was a part of was incredibly homophobic and transphobic, so I was expected to marry a man and express my gender in a traditional, feminine way. My therapist discussed how I could grow my relationships with women outside of my sexuality, as well as how to find attractive things in men. Things like their laugh, their smiles, and how they could take care of me. I started to feel an inkling of hope, that I didn’t have to lose my family, my friends, my religion, or my sexuality. I could have it all. So, I decided that I would find romantic interest in men.
When I went to college, I decided to start dating men seriously. I met a wonderful man who treated me so well. He was kind, decently attractive, and smart. I loved hanging out with him, since we lived in the same apartment complex. We went to church together and eventually started dating at the end of my freshman year. At the beginning, it was nice, but slowly, seeds of doubt and discouragement started to creep in. Our first kiss was, well, unremarkable. I was so anxious, I felt like I was going to throw up. I was expecting our nice, romantic connection to turn into love, but it didn’t. Still determined to succeed, I kept dating him. The entire time, guilt consumed me, I was living a lie. I was deceiving this poor guy into thinking that I liked him when I was struggling to enjoy holding hands with him. At one point, I had to literally lie to his face when he asked me my sexuality, I told him I was straight. I would cry myself to sleep, wondering when the pain would stop. That year, I took him home to meet my parents when I asked them, “when should I tell him? I don’t want to lie to him, it’s awful, but I need to get married!” They didn’t have an answer for me, “when the time is right.” It felt like I was completely lost. I tried to cling onto him, hoping that we’d be able to make it through, then he broke up with me. I was so lucky that he did. Even though I was heart broken because I was losing the one person who I thought I could get married to and bear it, I was hugely relieved that I wouldn’t have to lie anymore. I got over my 9 month long relationship in less than a day. I got some ice cream, cried, and I was basically all better.
The next year, I tried again and again, failing to find a man. I felt so frustrated, because I wanted to have a romantic relationship so badly, but I was failing every time! Mercifully, the COVID-19 pandemic started, so I was able to take a break from dating for a while. I was happily single for a little over a year, using the pandemic as an excuse to stop dating. It was great, but my sexuality kept gnawing at me. I felt confused. If I was trying my best to follow what God apparently wanted me to do, why was I so unhappy? It felt like my will to live, my energy and my happiness had left me. I was truly miserable. This is when I hit my lowest point. I spent my days in bed, barely surviving. I felt hopeless, like I didn’t have any reason at all to live. So I decided that I either needed to come out fully and leave the church, or I would k il l myself. I had no one I could turn to, my family had made it clear that being a lesbian was unacceptable, plus my friends were also in the same religion and I could never force them to choose between me or the church.
In January of 2021, I realized that I could choose to leave the church, my family and my friends. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I chose to give up everything I was given so I could be a truly happy, authentic, and energetic version of myself. I started dating secretly, with hidden kisses, closed doors, and going out in public as “friends”. The first time I kissed a girl, it was magical, I felt my cheeks burning, those elusive sparks that I had never felt went flying. My hands were in her hair as her arms wrapped around my waist and just for a moment, everything felt perfect. I didn’t feel any fear, nor pain. I only felt peace, joy, and contentment that I had never felt before. Though our public romance was almost forbidden by society, we felt intimacy and connection that was beautiful and whole. I remember driving together, my hand in hers speeding down the freeway, I felt so much elation! It was like I could finally be my whole self, unburdened by the weight of my family’s expectations.
Unfortunately, my family found out and the crushing guilt came back. I was shamed, called a whore and unfaithful. My entire family looked down on me with disdain, because I couldn’t bridle my attractions. However, I had found my wings of freedom and I would not let them go. I chose to leave the church and my family, and I was not going back on that decision.
skip to here if you don’t like reading:
Now, I remember the full story of that nice therapist who told me that I could love men romantically and not sexually. That small lie led to years of pain, humiliation, shame, and grief. That lie from my family, the church, and society has hurt not only me, but countless other people who have been pressured to perform heterosexuality. This lie hurt other members of my extended family, including a gay man who is dear to me. He has lived as a closeted gay man for almost 50 years because he can’t bear the thought of what would happen if he came out, since he married his wife and has children.
Though there are people who find meaning in divorcing their various types of attractions, the truth is that if you can’t find sexual and romantic attraction to a partner, there will be a part of you left unfulfilled, and your partner will inevitably become hurt, disinterested, or callous.
If you still insist on splitting your attractions, please be mindful of people like me. Be mindful of your partners. Be honest with yourself. Is splitting your attractions helping you to understand yourself better, or are you hiding from a more authentic, beautiful version of yourself? Does splitting your attractions allow you to feel love more deeply, or are your hiding your internalized homophobia behind comforting labels?
With much love,
Harvest Oak
