Hannidae

Wear a mask in public and stay safe everyone!

The crowd boos. I walk away from the mic in shame, but a voice from the audience commands silence from the room.

And that’s such a human condition. Aren’t we all afraid to admit that we need? Aren’t we all afraid to let our guard down and accept and receive from others? We can take, sure, because that’s controlling something, but to really submit to being loved or being given things? Isn’t that something we all run from? We all say we want to be loved but when it comes down to it we find out love is terrifying because it means being known; to be loved we have to face ourselves first, we have to see what we are, see that we lack, see that we need because we are not sufficient ourselves. And all of that is an absolutely terrifying thing for us to face, because if we do face our need, and find there is nothing to fill it, we are left with a gaping void, a wound, that we will have to carry around forever. But we all are walking around with that wound regardless. It’s just easier to refuse to see it. 

And that’s exactly what Rey does. Ben’s wounds are out in the open, a broad scar splitting his face, but Rey has a wound just like his, and she covers it up. She pretends. She’s good. She’s ok. She doesn’t need to be loved, she doesn’t need grace, she is whole. Nothing lacking. But Ben threatens that illusion because he knows her, he knows she lacks, and Rey is terrified of seeing that. She’s terrified of her weaknesses because something in her fears there’s no solution for them. It’s lack of faith, it’s fear, and that drives her to the quick and easy solution of denial. And so she runs from Ben as fast as she can because he’s too close and that means she’s too close to an uncomfortable truth. She’s got to hide, pretend like she doesn’t know him, lash out and fight, because to  admit is to be vulnerable and Rey’s experience has taught her there’s nothing to fill that wound. 

And that’s exactly what people do. Someone does something bad we label and cancel them and treat them as something inhuman. We would rather punish than rehabilitate because rehabilitation means they are human and being human means they are like us and we are like them and we have that same weakness, that same lack, that same need beneath whatever we’ve used to cover it up. We tell ourselves no, we, unlike them, are not lacking. We are whole. We sit a queen and are no widow. And we run from being known and loved because to need something beyond yourself is vulnerable, and what if it goes away? What if there’s nothing to give to us? What if we can’t be loved or given grace?

And THAT’S why I love Rey’s story and why it is so so important. It mirrors a human condition that, in our unwillingness to face, we’d usually not really portray, but this does, and in doing so it gives us hope. Because Rey comes to the very worst of herself, and Ben comes running anyways. He looks at her and sees her and loves her and smiles and nods that everything’s going to be ok. As soon as Rey is ready to face her need, as soon as she is willing to receive, he is there to give. She was not beyond hope. She was not left in the dust when she admitted that’s where she was. Someone was right there showing her she had been beloved all along.