Heyya

straighten your back

go pee goddAMN IT STOP HOLDING IT

go take your meds if you need to

drink some water

go get a snack if you havent eaten in a while

maybe wander around the house/stretch a little if you’ve been sat at the computer a while (artists especially: sTRETCH THOSE WRISTS)

reply to that text/message from earlier you’d forgotten about

So my trainer’s bf cheated on her. She broke up with him. He’s holding her stuff hostage until she agrees to talk with him. Which she refuses.

She trains; for free mind you; three college linebackers, a college wrestler, two martial artists, a body builder, and… wait for it…. a Navy seal. We’re gonna go get her shit for her.

Arrival:

So the super friends all jumped into one of the linebacker’s explorer and headed over to dude’s house. Ok the squad: you all know me, but the other martial artist is a little wirey hapkido guy, the linebackers are all giants (an estimated combined weight of I’d say 750-800lbs), the wrestler looks like an escaped gorilla, then the navy seal looks like your average guy but something about him is unsettling. Really unsettling. Unfortunately, the body builder had to work. Anyway, we send the Hapkido guy and the wrestler to the door first and dude answers, screams at them, and then slams the door in their face. Then the giant linebackers head over and they ring the door bell again. Lo and behold, he was much more polite, but still denied access. Finally, me and the seal join the fray. I casually make my way towards the front of the group, but the seal decides to CLIMB THE BANISTER. We all just turned and started at him completely shocked when dude answers the door. He looks at this weird mismatched group of relatively threatening individuals and one guy perched on his banister like batman. He was like “FINE. Go take what you’re looking for.”

Retrieval:

So we’re all walking through the house gathering what we think are her things and putting them into two boxes. Mind you. We are completely guessing. We didn’t even tell her we were coming, therefore we had no list of items.The only one really being productive was Hapkido, who was legitimately looking for stuff. The linebackers were just randomly picking up furniture, turning it over, and putting it back down. Just showing off how strong they were. In case the numbers game wasn’t enough, I guess they were letting him know they could break him if they wanted to. The seal was just shadowing dude in his own house. Walking behind him, not saying much, just being creepy. Then there’s me. Who was causing general mischief…. He said to take what I was looking for, that’s what I was looking for. Ahaha and the wrestler made a fricken sandwich. Because “you guys look like you have it under control, and I’m a sucker for egg salad.” We were in and out in 15 minutes.

Delivery:

So the autobots rolled out and headed towards homegirl’s spot. She was conveniently outside when we rolled up. We got out and she was like, how do you all even know each other. The truth is, we don’t. She sent us all an email once and didn’t blind copy us all. She vented to all of us about dude holding onto her stuff and we started emailing and that was that. We told her that we went to see her ex. “OMG what did you say to him?” Nothing. We’re not messenger boys. We’re delivery boys. And we gave her her boxes of stuff. She went through the first box and said that was most of her stuff. Then she got to my box and asked “Wtf is all that shit.” So I explained that I took all the batteries out of his remote controls, his deodorant, the light bulb out of his master closet, every pair of dress socks that I could find, the laces out of his running shoes, and all the toilet paper in the house. The guys just looked at me and kind of nodded like they were impressed. She then unexpectedly started CRYING and thanked us. So you have this group of meat heads all standing awkwardly with this weeping trainer. It was quiet for a second when the seal was like “So…. chipoltle?” And we all got burrito bowls.

I don’t know whether or not he was right. All I know is that for a decade and a half after that, I harbored a complete and unreasoning terror of dogs. It didn’t matter how big they were, or how tame, or how kind. Someone else could assure me that they were the best dog in the world, that they knew the dog, that he would never hurt anyone, and it didn’t matter, because I was convinced that any dog could suddenly turn on me, bite me hard enough to kill me.

There were two dogs I slowly learned to trust during that time period. And, eventually, I learned to understand dogs again, to understand their body language, to like them again, because my husband convinced me to get a puppy, to raise a dog from when it was small, that this would help me get over my fear.

No one ever told me I was crazy or irrational for not wanting to be around dogs after I’d been attacked and nearly killed by one.  No one. For fifteen years, it was understandable that I would be afraid – terribly, unreasoningly afraid – of dogs. A dog attacked me. I bore the traumatic scars. I found dogs terrifying, unpredictable. I could not trust any of them – no matter how kind they’d been to my friends, no matter how well-recommended they came or how well they’d been raised – not to turn on me and injure me.

When I was fifteen, I was raped.

Be a little weirder, be a little more you. Wear yr hair that one way nobody else likes. Shave – or skip it – if it makes you feel free. Tell the joke when it strikes you, sing with your headphones on the train, compliment a stranger – the way you’d want to be complimented if someone found they were suddenly in love with you.

- 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + = + 1 = + 1

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 + = 2 + 2 1 = x + 2 +

- 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 + - 2 - 2 x = = x + 2 +

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 +

- 7 2 + 7 = x + 2 + = 7 7 2 + = x + 2 + = x - 7 - 2

Mom: Are you writing an essay?