Ollie. Asexual/Panromantic/Genderqueer. They/Them/Their or Xe/Xem/Xyr. Writer, crafter, baseball fan, TTRPG enthusiast. Whatever you actually followed me for, I should probably apologize. Unless you followed me because of one of my fanfics, in which case I should DEFINITELY apologize.
Each Sunday, post six sentences from a writing project â published, submitted, in progress, for your cat â whatever.
Melanie snorted and looked at Jon, who began ticking reasons off on his fingers. âYou and Mum stop talking every time we come into the room or change the subject. Sheâs had her hair down instead of back in a bun, which she only does when sheâs too tired to pull it back, no matter how easy it is. Cosyâs been sleeping in your room instead of ours. Youâve been setting aside part of dinner before you add salt. And when we do surprise trips, the surprise is where weâre going, not that weâre going, so you didnât make vacation plans without telling us.â
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Read from the beginning on Tumblr || Also on AO3 and my website
Chapter 12: The Gathering Ground
âI spy, with my little eyeâŚsomething beginning with R.â
âRhododendrons,â Melanie replied immediately. She didnât even bother glancing around for anything else.
Jon sighed. âI looked right at it again, didnât I?â
âYep. Told you, if you want to keep people guessing, turn and look at them before you give âem the hint.â Melanie bumped Jonâs hip with her own, difficult to do when they were walking. âWeâll play something else at the party, donât worry.â
âI Spy isnât really a party game.â Jon contemplated the stretch before them. âWeâre coming up on the shortcut. Race?â
Melanie hesitated. Theyâd got to the habit of only racing this last bit, but it was also their birthday. The last time theyâd raced home on their birthday itself had beenâŚ
âNo,â she said eventually. âNot today. Letâs just walk it.â
Jon didnât say anything, but from the way he took her hand, she guessed he was thinking the same thing she was.
It wasnât that the man theyâd met, creepy though he might have been, had been the most dangerous thing theyâd encountered in their lives. Heâd been a little intimidating, a little odd, but he wasnât bad. Still, he sometimes appeared in her nightmares alongside Mister Spider and the churning ocean. Not that she had many nightmares these days, not with Jon safe at her side, but they happened sometimes and she could never really predict what would set them off.
Take the night before, she thought, hopping on one foot from paver to paver. By all accounts it had been a good day. Dad had taken them to the park and let them loose to run races, and theyâd come home tired and happy. The more tired she was, the less likely she usually was to dream, but instead, there she had been, clinging to one side of the toy box while Jon clung desperately to the other, both trying to get on top of it without tipping it over as the waves dragged them through the house, watched by a pair of cold eyes on one side and four pairs of glowing eyes on the other, and a voice calling them all the while from the only other thing floating in the house, the sideboard in the front room. She didnât even remember their parents being anywhere. Or, for that matter, the cats.
âWe have to vacuum when we get home,â she said, her brain, as usual, trundling off down a side path, led astray by the odd word association game that so often followed her attempts to think in a straight line.
Jon, as usual, seemed to know, if not how sheâd got to that thought, at least what the complete thought was. âMason isnât coming. He said he had a headache and just wanted to lie down. I hope I didnât get cat hair on him.â
âYou know Mason. Heâs such aâŚâ Melanie chased the word through her vague association of memories. âHippo-something. Hippocratic? Wait, thatâs doctors. But itâs something like that. You know. He thinks heâs sick when he isnât.â
âI know what you mean, but I canât think of the word either,â Jon confessed. âI thought it was Hippocratic, too. Hypocritic?â He sighed. âAt least Sophieâs just afraid of them. Mumâs probably cleaned everything up, so we just have to put the cats in our room and everything will be fine. On that end, anyway.â
Melanie hummed. âPetition to make Dad read Paddiwack and Cosy while we dramatize it for our guests.â
Jonâs hum was more thoughtful. âMaybe we should wait for the next company party. The other barristers will think itâs cute. The kids at school will just think itâs odd. Plus we have to recruit Mum to be Sally.â
âI dunno, Dad has a good Sally voice.â
âYeah, but she has to act Sally, right?â
They were still bickering and debating about it by turns when they reached the final corner. Both of them fell silent, and Melanie found herself holding her breath. She let it go in a rush of relief when they rounded the corner and saw nobody at all standing at the gate waiting for them. Her relief lasted until she yanked open the front door in time to hear their dad call, âDear, did you hide this gift in the credenza for a reason?â
Jon stopped dead, his eyes widening, and Melanie felt a chill run down her spine as her dream came back to her. She had maybe guessed, in a distant sort of way, what the voice calling to them meant, but honestly, she hadnât thought about it still being there in ages. Well, that wasnât quite true. She had thought about it, but mostly in the context of being afraid to open the cupboard because she didnât want to know if the present was still there.
Not because she was afraid of it, necessarily. Because she was afraid Jon had opened it after all.
âWhat gift?â Mumâs voice sounded distracted. She was probably trying to frost the cake for the party. âI didnât put anything in that credenza.â
Melanie stepped into the living room, unease swirling in her stomach, to see Dad sitting back on his heels, looking bewildered as he studied the carefully wrapped present. Its paper still looked as shiny and intact as it has the day the creepy old guy had handed it to Jon. âThen how did it get here?â
âI put it there,â Jon said, somehow keeping his voice steady.
Dad looked up and smiled. âHey, there you are!â he began, then paused, his brow furrowing. He looked down at the present again. âUh, why was this in the credenza?â
âSo Melanie wouldnât find it.â Jon accepted it from Dad, then turned and held it out to Melanie with a smile.
She could see the desperate, almost frantic look in his eyes, though. Despite her apprehensions, she took it with a smile. Inspiration struck her, and she blurted, âThanks! Yours is in our closet. Câmon, letâs go get it while we get changed.â
âI need you to pick up the sticks in the backyard,â Mum called from the kitchen.
âOkay,â Jon and Melanie called back in unison. They ran into the bedroom and shut the door.
The second they were alone, Melanie turned to Jon, fighting down the panic. âYouâre not going to open it, are you?â
âOf course not,â Jon said, but she could hear the uncertainty in his voice.
Melanie pressed forward. âIâm serious, Jon. This thing scares me. If you open it, I just know something bad is going to happen to you. It was talking to us in my dreams last night.â
Jonâs shoulders slumped. âYours too?â
Melanie hugged Jon, impulsively and quickly. âSo what are we going to do? Steal the lighter while Mumâs not looking and set it on fire?â
âI donât think that would work. Iâm not sure this would burn.â Jon stared at it for a moment, then looked up at Melanie with a small grin. âBut Mum wants us to pick up the sticks in the yard.â
Melanie was going to ask what that had to do with anything when the same thought that must have struck Jon struck her. Slowly, she smiled also. âAnd Dad said yesterday itâs a good time to garden.â
They changed into their play clothes and faked loud squeals of delight as they figured out whose pockets would hide the gift best. It wasnât a particularly big box, so eventually they were able to tuck it into the front of Melanieâs dungarees without it being visible. They ran through the dining room and out to the backyard to begin their chore. Melanie was already betting it wouldnât matter; it was cold and drizzling lightly, and the sky looked awfully dark on the horizon, so the party was almost certainly going to be inside. Then again, maybe Mum just wanted them to pick up the sticks before the next round of rainstorms knocked down more. Either way, both of them dutifully collected sticks until they had an armful, then headed over to the pile by the shed to dump them. It put them neatly out of view of the kitchen window.
Melanie looked around, then pointed to a spot along the fence line near the house. âThere.â
Jon frowned. âWhy there?â
ââCause thereâs nothing special about it.â Melanie didnât know exactly why that was so important, but she felt very strongly that it was.
Jon, however, nodded slowly. âSo we wonât remember where we buried it. And itâs a part of the yard we donât play in much, so we wonât hear itâŚcalling from underground.â
Melanie frowned. âYou think it would do that?â
âRemember that story Dad read us at Christmas about the man who killed someone and buried him under the floor?â
âOh, right, and he could hear his heart beating, but nobody else could?â Melanie considered for a minute. âBut we didnât kill anyone.â
âNo. But itâs not about murder. Itâs about feeling guilty and knowing thereâs something there that shouldnât be.â Jon kicked at the dirt, then picked up a bigger stick. âLetâs hurry before Mum comes out to check on us.â
Melanie picked up a stick, too, trying not to think about the makeshift paddles from last summer. Something about the set of Jonâs shoulders said he was thinking very hard about not thinking about that, too. Neither of them said anything as they got to work. The ground was soft, and even with the drizzle it took surprisingly little time to get a decently sized hole. Melanie pulled the gift out of her dungarees and dropped it unceremoniously into the bottom.
âRight,â Jon said. âNow for the hard part.â
âWhatâoh.â It hadnât occurred to Melanie that without the wide, flat scoops of actual shovels, they would have a harder time filling in the hole than they had had in hollowing it out. âWell, letâs do our best.â
They tried with the sticks, but in the end, they had to scoop it with their hands, trying their best not to get too dirty. Melanie reckoned there wasnât much help for it, though. She was already hearing their mother scolding them about how they would need to take a bath before the party and theyâd best hurry up about it when Jon said, suddenly, âDo you hear that?â
For a moment, Melanie wondered if their mother actually was scolding them. Then she wondered if the package was calling out to them. Then she actually listened, and she heard what Jon had actually heardâa high, frantic mewing.
âHere, kitty, kitty,â she called.
Jon made the little hissing noises he made to call Paddiwack and Cosy, then meowed. The desperate, frantic mewing came again, and Jon nodded. âOkay, that works better. It must be a baby looking for its mummy.â
âSheâll be back, wonât she?â Melanie asked, a little hopelessly.
Jon didnât answer, but he didnât need to. They both knew what the statistics were on stray cats and how likely it was that the kitten, wherever it was, was an orphan. It had probably had siblings at one point, too, but unless they were with itâŚ
Melanie meowed, too. The kitten reacted by mewing again. Jon squatted down and meowed again. When the kitten responded, he pointed. âThere!â
The skies chose that moment to open up, shifting from a light drizzle to full on rain. Melanie didnât care. She squatted down next to Jon and followed his finger to see a tiny, bedraggled scrap of dirty fur scrabble its way out from under the privet bush in an absolute panic. Melanie tried to speak as gently as she could without being drowned out by the rain. âHi, baby. Itâs okay. Weâre here. Weâll take care of you.â
Jon shrugged out of his jacket. Melanie was going to ask him why when he suddenly pounced, falling to his knees with a squelch as he threw his jacket over the kitten. After a moment, he sat back on his heels, clutching the bundle to his chest. âI got it! I got it!â
âGood! Letâs get inside!â Melanie took Jonâs elbow and helped him to his feet. She grimaced at the mud all down his knees. âWell, at least we can explain the dirt away. Hurry up!â
They ran inside, dirty and dripping wet, and carefully left their shoes at the door, for all the good it would do. Mum shook her head at them in obvious despair. âLook at you! Youâre going to need aâwhat do you have there, Jon?â
Jon unwrapped his coat to display the pathetic little scrap, its fur sticking up in all directions. It screamed loudly. âIt was all alone under the bushes, look, Mum. It can stay, canât it?â
The kitten cried again. Before Mum could say anything about it, Cosy came into the dining room, ears pricked and tail erect. She made the mrrrp sound she often made when Jon or Melanie was in distress, and the kitten responded with another pathetic mew. Cosy rubbed against Jonâs ankles, purring up a storm.
Mum sighed. âThe universe appears to have given you a giftâŚAntony! Can you grab the carrier? We need to take a run to the vet.â
Two hours and two baths later, even Sophie was kneeling in the circle with their other classmates, party games forgotten as they cooed with delight over the kitten, who had proved to be an orange tabby under the mud. Paddiwack and Cosy were supervising from the top of the cupboard as Jon dangled a bit of string in front of the kitten for him to pounce on.
âWhatâs his name?â asked Art, who was lying on his stomach with his chin resting on his hands. He didnât see very well except up close and his parents hadnât taken him to the eye doctor yet.
âSkimbleshanks,â Jon said, pronouncing the syllables carefully.
Diane, who Melanie didnât like all that much but had invited because otherwise they couldnât hand out the invitations in class, wrinkled her nose. âWhat kind of a name is that? Why wouldnât you call him Marmalade, or Lolly, or Sweetie?â
âBecause he probably came from the railway,â Melanie said. âYou know. Like the poem.â
âThereâs no such poem.â
âDad,â Jon called, twisting his head around, even as he passed the string to Toby. âCan you read us the poem about Skimbleshanks?â
âOf course.â Dad smiled and went over to the bookshelves. All the children turned to look like it was story time at school as he settled into his armchair and cracked open Old Possumâs Book of Practical Cats.
Melanie squeezed Jonâs hand and smiled; he smiled and squeezed back, and they settled in. It was looking to be a good birthdayâthey had their friends, they had their family, they didnât have to fight anyone over games, and they had their newest member of the family.
And best of all, the horrible tempting offering from the man who claimed to be family would never bother them again.
i think americans should have to put a banner above their post that says U.S. CENTRIC ADVICE/INFORMATION. i think political posts should clarify that they are giving protest/societal/class information relevant only to the USA i think i would like to stop getting halfway through a post with really good information and then realising it is not widespread advice and is only applicable in the united states of america
for the love of GOD can we PLEASE stop treating us-centric advice as applicable to the whole entire world. Please. beyond anything else, i do not think you guys understand how difficult it makes it for young people to interact with and learn information relevant to them.
at a certain point, treating us-american advice as universally applicable borders on misinformation. i am not saying that it is done maliciously, but it is dangerous at worst. i do not want younger people going around assuming that certain laws do/do not apply to them and getting in trouble because of it. i worry about what 'fundamental/constitutional/labour rights' are only legally defensible in the USA. i worry about kids who do not know yet to wonder where the advice is for, and take it as fact because a post that reads "EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW THIS" begins with "EVERYONE".
okay yes all the tags are very very good points but i would like to point out the main reason i made this post, which is that
if you are non-american then it can be dangerous to hold beliefs about your rights that are only applicable in the US.
i am australian and i have seen young australians have completely us-american perceptions on the rights they hold (or do not hold) in regards to protest, police officers, self-defense, medical care, higher education, debt, and legal proceedings. i am not talking about "boooo americans" i am talking about the genuine danger it might present to have us-centric assumptions in high-stakes situations
(please do not chalk this up to 'if you don't do research then you are stupid'. i made this post with young people in mind. that being said i am willing to bet it also applies to others, ie those who are newer to non-local internet, older folks, or those escaping high-control environments.)
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Thank-you to all of my new Internet stranger friends for being so gracious about having my post shoved onto your dashboards. I loved reading all of your kind tags and comments! Both Martin and Bosco have been gone for several years now but for 24 hours, they felt very present in my life. I greatly appreciate this gift. â¤ď¸
Thank you to everyone who commented in their tags or messaged me. Indeed, today is âMartin and Bosco Dayâ. I originally whimsically blazed this photo on 13 July 2022. I never expected Martin and Bosco to travel so far and make so many new friends. The experience has been such a gift for me.
In conversation with multiple posts going around discussing technical literacy and typing skillsâŚ
I HAD typing classes: my typing speed is less than 35 Words Per Minute
I did NOT have typing classes: my typing speed is less than 35 WPM
I HAD typing classes: my typing speed is 36-45 WPM
I did NOT have typing classes: my typing speed is 36-45 WPM
I HAD typing classes: my typing speed is 46-55 WPM
I did NOT have typing classes: my typing speed is 46-55 WPM
I HAD typing classes: my typing speed is 56-69 WPM
I did NOT have typing classes: my typing speed is 56-69 WPM
I HAD typing classes: my typing speed is faster than 70 WPM
I did NOT have typing classes: my typing speed is faster than 70 WPM
I'm on mobile/ vanilla extract option
Remaining time: 17 hours 13 minutes
âĄď¸ Take a typing test here (and you need an actual, physical keyboard for this):
The industry-standard benchmark used by employers and typing certifications worldwide.
âĄď¸ 'Typing classes' refers to computer skills classes you might have had in school; you can also count games or other related typing training your parents might have had you do.
âĄď¸ Across 3 different typing test websites*, the (english language) world average typing speed is 40 WPM.
patience my brother (and patience my friend): a TMA fanfic
Read from the beginning on Tumblr || Also on AO3 and my website
Chapter 11: The Devil's Doorstep
It could have been worse. Sheâd even been kind, or ostensibly kind anyway, sending them off to get cleaned up and not even fussing at them about bathing together while she made a big pot of soup and then tucked them into bed, in her bed even, since she didnât like to climb the stairs but wanted to keep an eye on them. Only later did it occur to Melanie that sheâd probably just wanted to make sure they didnât get pneumonia or something so Mummy and Daddy wouldnât petition the courts to stop the annual visits.
It had been the next morning, over porridge, when sheâd let them have it. She had interrogated them about what they had been up to, really, since she didnât believe for a minute that neither of them would have realized they had âaccidentallyâ been swept out to sea. When Jon had finally confessed their goal, sheâd given a blistering lecture on fiction versus reality and then told them that if they had to be brought back by the police again she would lock them in the house for good.
Both of them believed she was thoroughly capable of carrying out that threat.
The trouble was that there wasnât much for them to do inside. They didnât have any puzzles, hadnât brought any toys with them, didnât know how to play chess and werenât allowed to touch the set anyway for whatever reason. There was the telly, but when Grandmother Simsâno, Mrs Sims, Melanie wasnât supposed to call her Grandmotherâhad realized that theyâd got the idea for their adventure from a television program, sheâd forbidden them from watching it until she was satisfied they would understand that just because they could see something, even with real people climbing around it, didnât mean it was actually real. Which pretty much left them books.
Melanie hated reading. She didnât dislike books in generalâshe loved being read toâbut actually reading herself, she struggled. The words seemed to slide around on the page and escape easy comprehension. Mr Dumphrey, their teacher that year, had been very helpful and given her a few tricks, but it still wasnât easy like it was for Jon and she still hated it. Jon could skate through a book in almost no time flat, but when they were reading on their own, he would linger over pages, rereading and savoring passages before moving on. He was also, luckily for her, more than happy to read out loud to her when she asked him to, and theyâd read a lot of very good books like that.
The thing was that Jon didnât like rereading books. Or, no, not disliked, but it bored him to already know where the book was going, or to feel like heâd read it before. Melanie didnât mind, and in fact often preferred to reread old favorites because she could usually pin the letters down easier, and she counted herself lucky that Jon was willing to reread books, or finish books he clearly didnât like, if she asked him to. For her. In return, sheâd sat through him reading a couple of books he liked a lot that she didnât care for, because it only seemed fair.
But Mrs Sims didnât exactly have a vast library of books, and Jon and Melanie had already read them all. (Well, not exactly all of them. Mrs Sims mostly seemed to read the same three or four authors, and even Melanie hadnât been desperate enough to ask Jon to read her another one of those.) They didnât bring books with them because books made their suitcases too heavy to carry on their own on the train and they couldnât count on the aunt they were being put in the charge of to help them, and it was a long way to the library if they walked (Mrs Sims didnât drive and taxis cost too much money, she said), so they usually only went once every summer.
Surprisingly, Mrs Sims had actually hit on a solution.
âThere,â she announced, dumping her latest pile of books onto the floor of the living room. âYou ought to find enough in that to last you the rest of the visit.â
She swept out of the room and into the master bedroom, leaving the door open, and a few moments later they heard the opening notes of one of her stories coming from the telly. Melanie scowled in that direction, then turned back to Jon. âDid you hear an or else in that, or was it just me?â
Jon wrinkled his nose. âItâs not just you. Weâll have to read slow. Come on, letâs see if thereâs anything juicy in this lot.â
As solutions went, it wasnât a bad one. Mrs Sims had decided to simply waltz into the nearest charity shop, buy up all of the books on sale for less than a pound, and bring them home for Jon and Melanie to pick through. Once they had read everything they wanted out of it, she would take them all to a different shop and begin again. Melanie reckoned it wouldnât last for long, since there were only so many charity shops in Bournemouth within walking distance, but maybe it would work for a couple of years yet. This, however, was the third lot sheâd brought them, and her tone of voice had definitely left the impression that she had expected this to hold them longer.
It wasnât exactly their fault, since she wasnât looking at anything other than the price. The first batch had been mostly soppy romances and a few battered classics, so hadnât held them long. The second lot had been more interesting, including a particularly gory horror novel she would never have permitted them to even look at while at the library, let alone check out, but even so they had gone through everything inside of a week. It was clear that Mrs Sims was not prepared to indulge them much further, so they had best set aside a good stockpile and read slow.
At first glance, it didnât look promising. At least half of the titles didnât have pictures on the cover, which usually meant they were some sort of dry, dusty textbook. Melanie picked one up and squinted at it hard, trying to make the letters make sense, then gave a frustrated growl and held it out to Jon. âI canât even begin to make this one out! Whatâs it called?â
Jon took the book and puzzled over it for a moment, which surprised her, then flipped it open and skimmed it before shaking his head in obvious relief. âItâs in Latin. I think. I recognize this phrase from one of Daddyâs law books, anyway. We could try to work it out, but I donât think itâll make much sense.â
âThatâs okay,â Melanie said, relieved. She wasnât completely stupid. âAnything good over there?â
âThis one has a dragon on the cover.â Jon held up a thick book with a fancy script on the title, which probably meant it was long and tricky to get through. Might hold them for a while. âItâs called A Darkness atâSeth-a-non. I think thatâs how itâs pronounced. It must be a made up place.â
âAre you sure?â
âThere are dragons, Melanie. Itâs not in England.â Jon set it aside in the for later pile and reached for another one. âOh, this oneâs a cookbook, never mind.â
Melanie picked up a book with a black cover and bright writing, which might mean a horror book. The cover showed a pretty girl with long, flowing hair. She was about to read the title aloud, or try to, when she saw the authorâs name and dropped it. âNope. Not that one.â
Jon picked it up curiously and dropped it just as quickly. âI donât know if she has that one. Maybe we should bring it to her later. She might want to keep it.â
âI donât know why she likes those.â
âI donât, either.â Jon pushed the book away with the Latin book and mumbled, âFor all she says weâre not supposed to confuse fiction and realityâŚâ
Melanie paused, turning that over in her mind for a moment. âYou reckon thatâs why she wonât let us shut the door?â
Jon shrugged one shoulder. âI dunno. I tell you what, though, Iâm not going to eat any powdered doughnuts if she offers them to us.â
âYouâd better not.â Melanie wrinkled her nose at him and went back to rummaging through the pile. A slim white cardboard volume caught her eye, and she tugged on the corner. âOh, look, she found one I can read all by myself, isnât that nice of her.â
Jon looked up with a frown. âYou can read just fine on your own. It just takes you longer. Maybe if you read some of these to me we can make them last the rest of the summer.â
âHa, ha, very funny.â
âI wasnât joking. Whatâs the book called?â
Melanie pulled the book free and held it up. It was very obviously a childrenâs picture book, which even at her reading ability sheâd outgrown, with a simple black drawing of a spider accented with a red bowler hat. The words were on the cover like they had been written there, not printed, and to her surprise she could read them fairly easily. âA Guest for Mister Spider.â
She opened the book, curious, to see a book plate indicating it had originally come from a library of some kindânot the Bournemouth Library, but one she couldnât quite make out properly. She turned the page and beheld a drawing of the spider, wearing his bowler hat, standing in a living room. There werenât even as many words on one page as in Paddiwack and Cosyâactually there werenât any words on the first page. Jon scooted over next to her as she turned the page slowly until she found the first words. âKnock, knock. Whoâs there, Mister Spider?â
It was a simple book, of the sort used to teach a simple lesson, although Melanie had no idea what it was meant to teach; the words werenât all that simple, as words went, and Mister Spider certainly wasnât very appreciative of the gifts his neighbors were bringing him. Her stomach turned and her voice shook when she got to the third visitor.
âItâs Mister Horse. And heâs brought you his son.â
Mister Horse, and his son, were both very large, very detailed flies in dungarees, but the expressions on their faces reminded Melanie, suddenly and painfully, of the way Daddy had looked the night they had first thought Mrs Sims was going to take Jon awayâand the way Jon had looked when heâd thought they might want him gone. It was the look of someone who had already lost so much and was about to lose everything, and she moved unconsciously closer to her brother as she read, just confirming he was still there.
There was a door on the last page. It looked so real, so inviting, that Melanie held it up in front of her like there was an actual door there as she read. âIt isâŚpoliteâŚto knock.â
Slowly, shakily, she raised her free hand, forming into knuckles, and drew back to knock on the door.
âWell, well, well, what have we here, eh?â
The book was suddenly ripped from Melanieâs fingersâand Jonâs, who was holding the other side. She blinked, gasping in surprise, as the world rushed back in in glorious Technicolor, greens and browns and blues andâ
Wait. How had they got to the park?
âThatâs not yours,â Jon said indignantly, but he also sounded a little disorientated. Melanie felt his hand slip into hers and squeeze.
She looked up and nearly growled in frustration. Of course. Standing over them, holding the book over their heads like bait, was none other than Andrew Young.
âWhat, little baby genius reading a little baby book?â Andrew sneered. He was fairly well known in the area, something of a jack of all tradesâand master of noneâwho âdidâ for quite a few of the widows and elderly folks in the area, of which there were many, billing himself as âHandy Andyâ. Heâd developed a long lasting and enduring hatred of Jon the first summer they were here based entirely on the fact that Jon was smarter than he was, which actually wasnât that difficult; there were things lurking at the bottom of the Bourne that were smarter than Andrew was, and more likable and better smelling, too. He was the sort of person disqualified from being the Village Idiot because he wasnât smart enough for the title, and he compensated for that by being a bully. That his chosen targets were ten years his junior spoke to the fact that he was also a coward who knew anyone older would likely put him in his place.
If he thought Jon and Melanie between them couldnât put him in his place, he was even stupider than he looked, except that they would get in real trouble if they got caught fighting again.
âGive it back, Andrew,â she said. She jumped for it, even though she knew it wouldnât do any good. She didnât know why it was so important that she have it back, but it was theirs.
âOr what?â Andrew asked, grinning sharply. âWhat are you going to do, runt, chew my ankles off?â He snickered and brought the book down. âOf course you were reading something like this. Need any help with the big words? A Guest for Mister Spider.â He enunciated each syllable carefully.
His voice trailed off, however, as he opened the book and his eyes locked on the pictures. His jaw went slack, making him look even stupider than usual, and he began to read. And to walk, as if in a dream.
Jon and Melanie looked at each other. On unspoken agreement, they followed him. Maybe the big idiot would fall down a sewer grating and they could catch the book before it went after.
His path took him away from the park and down a street. Melanie wasnât sure what page he was on until he walked up to the porch of one of the houses and held the book up in front of himself, right over the front door of the building.
It is polite to knock.
Seemingly in a trance, Andrew raised one hand, curled it into a fist, and rapped it against the book. Knock. Knock.
The door opened.
It opened slowly and quickly at the same time, not very far, just enough for them to see a black pit beyond. Thin, spindly black arms reached out of the door, reaching for Andrew. He never had time for anything more than a brief whimper before the arms dragged him into the door and it slammed shut behind him.
âMelanie!â Jonâs arms were suddenly tight around her chest, and he was dragging her backâwhen had she gone up to the steps? When had she started to go in? They overbalanced and fell over, landing hard on their backsides, and Jon didnât let go of Melanie as he tried to scoot backwards.
Something inside Melanie snapped, like a tether had been cut. She pushed to her feet and grabbed Jonâs hand, dragging him upright, and they ran. She wasnât even sure where they were exactly, but they ran as fast as they could away. Away was the important thing. Away from the house, away from the door, away from Mister Spider. She knew he was real, he was in that house, that was where he lived, and if they had knocked on the door then they would have been the more he wanted and they wouldnât have come outâŚ
âThat does it,â Mrs Sims boomed as they burst through the front door, gasping and with tears streaming down their faces and still clutching one anotherâs hands. âI told you to stay indoors. If you cannot follow such simple instructions, then this door will remain locked unless you are accompanied by me in the future. We will discuss this further in the morning. To your rooms without supper, and not another word!â
Melanie didnât argue. For once, there was nothing she wanted more than to be in their room, locked in and safe, and she didnât think she could eat now if she was expected to.
Somehow, she wasnât surprised when Jon, not even bothering to change into his pajamas, crawled under the bed. Melanie crawled in after him. It felt secure down there, and they snuggled together and clung and tried to stop shaking.
âThat was worse, right?â she finally asked. âItâs not just my imagination? That was worse than the boat.â
She felt rather than saw Jon nod. âThe boat wasâi-it was just us, and it wasâŚit just happened. Thatâthat book tried to take us, a-and AndrewâŚhe saved us.â
âHe was an idiot,â Melanie said, her voice watery. âHe took something that wasnât his and he fell into a trap andâhe didnât save us on purpose, Jon. He just took our place.â
âItâs not fair,â Jon murmured. âItâs not right.â
âBut it happened.â
âIt happened.â Jonâs voice was nearly a whisper.
They lay there silently for several minutes, relishing the fact that they were alive and together and safe, at least for now. Nothing could get to them. Melanie instinctively felt that Mister Spider would be full, at least for now, and that he wouldnât come after them anymore, but even if he did, he would have to get through the doors and Mrs Sims, and she was tough and chewy enough that she would probably slow him down enough for them to get away.
âWe should find out more,â Jon said finally. âNot now. But when we grow up. Maybe, maybe there are scientists or, or people like that who studyâŚscary things. Monsters and ghosts and whatnot. Maybe we can do something like that.â
Melanie turned the idea over in her mind. It made sense. âThen we can prevent other kids from getting hurt. Or other idiots like Andrew from getting taken away. Maybe if we know, we canâŚfix them. There are lots of doctors who can help people like Mummy, but if there were lots of people who knew what things like Mister Spider was, weâd hear about them, right?â
âRight.â Jon sighed and pressed his forehead against Melanieâs. âWe can find out when we get home if itâs a thing already or if we have to be the first ones, but we can do it. We can.â
âWe can,â Melanie agreed. âMaybe Andrew wonât be the last one ever, but weâll be the ones to make sure somebody else is.â
I wasnât gonna talk about it but one of my parents died the other day and the weirdest part has been not talking about it, specifically because they sucked and I kind of donât care and thatâs not a very hashtag relateable thing to bring up around the office so Iâm just walking around at work rn like ânah not much going on hbuâ
As a âdark humour is my coping mechanismâ person I would describe this feeling as âchildrenâs birthday clown with a flashbang grenadeâ and I gotta say, the deeply fucked up power is intoxicating
Each Sunday, post six sentences from a writing project â published, submitted, in progress, for your cat â whatever.
Melanie pressed forward. âIâm serious, Jon. This thing scares me. If you open it, I just know something bad is going to happen to you. It was talking to us in my dreams last night.â
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Spin the wheel again. Thatâs whoâs trying to protect you.
(If you have zero idea about a name you got, spin until you see someone you recognize.)
Are you safe?
Absolutely not. I'm dead. 100% dead.
I might stay alive, but it'll be a really close thing.
I'll take some hits, for certain, but I should be okay in the end.
A few attacks might get through, but nothing concerning.
The attacker might be able to get in one lucky hit. If that.
I am the opposite of worried. I'm 100% safe.
âŚLook. I've tried picturing this. But I honestly don't know how to answer.
Voting ended onJul 14
(I've run this poll twice before, expanding it significantly for the second run. With about a year passed since that second run, I thought it was time to add another couple hundred names to the list and have another go.)
Fun Story: My director kept telling me and my tenor sax buddy to play softer. No matter what we did, it wasnât soft enough for him. So getting frustrated, I told my buddy âDont play this time. Just fake itâÂ
Our Band Director then informed us we sounded perfect.Â
Okay yeah so I play the bass clarinet and the amount of air you have to move and the stiffness of the reed means it only has two settings and that is loud and louder, with an optional LOUDEST that includes a 50% probability of HORRIBLE CROAKING NOISE which is the bass equivalent of the ubiquitous clarinet shriek.
One day, when I was in concert band in high school, we got a new piece handed out for the first time, and there was a strange little commotion back in the tuba section â whispering, and pointing at something in the music, and swatting at each otherâs hands all shhh donât call attention to it. And although they did attract the attention of basically everyone else in the band, they managed to avoid being noticed by the band director, who gave us a few minutes to look over our parts and then said, âAll right, letâs run through it up to section A.â
And here we are, cheerfully playing along, sounding reasonably competent â but everyone, when they have the attention to spare, is keeping an eye on the tuba players. They donât come in for the first eight measures or so, and then when they do come in, what we see is:
[stifled giggling]
[reeeeeeally deep breath]
[COLOSSAL FOGHORN NOISE]
The entire band stops dead, in the cacophonous kind of way that a band stops when it hasnât actually been cued to stop. The band director doesnât even say anything, just looks straight back at the tubas and makes a helpless sort of why gesture.
In unison, the tuba players defend themselves: âTHERE WERE FOUR FâS.â
FFFF is not really a rational dynamic marking for any instrument, but for the love of all that is holy why would you put it in a tuba part.
according to my german-born/speaking boyfriend:Â Above the eight fortes in that Fucik piece it says âNichts fuer Lauwarmduscherâ which is âthis is not for people who take lukewarm showersâ
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patience my brother (and patience my friend): a TMA fanfic
Read from the beginning on Tumblr || Also on AO3 and my website
Chapter 10: Bulletproof Cardboard
âHere!â Triumphantly, Melanie held up a long spar of wood, wide and flat at one end but narrower at the other. âItâs the perfect shape.â
Jon studied it with a critical eye, then nodded decisively. âItâs a good match, but itâs longer. Youâll have to be in the back.â
âYou mean you get to steer?â Melanie frowned. âNo fair. You be in the back.â
âSteering is in the back. The front just rows to help it move.â Jon wrinkled his nose to nudge his glasses back into place. âDo you want to steer or navigate?â
He could see Melanieâs indecision. On the one hand, she wanted to be the one to make them go where they needed to go, to be responsible for direction and distance alike. On the other handâŚhow often did she get to boss her brother around and not get fussed at? Not by Jon, mind you, who bossed her around just as much, but by the grown-ups who said she needed to be more ladylike. Mummy always said that meant quiet and complicit and told her to be as loud as she damn well liked, butâŚ
âYou canât see well enough without your glasses,â she said at last. âIâll navigate.â
âCan you see okay?â Jon countered. âYou donât have glasses, that doesnât mean you donât need them.â
âItâs close up stuff I have trouble with. I can see where weâre going.â Melanie pushed the plank towards Jon. âCome on. Weâre wasting time.â
They ran down the path to the sandy beach and the relatively untouched cove. They had always preferred this spot to the more crowded and judgmental parts of the beach anyway, and that also made it the perfect hiding place. Not for them, although they definitely wanted to hide from Grandmother Simsânot that Jon called her that if he could get away with it, since Melanie wasnât supposed to eitherâas often as possible. But ever since they had watched the television program and recognized some of the buildings in the town, theyâd been thinking about this. And then Jon had found the books the show was based on and worked things out, andâŚwell. The cove would be perfect, as long as nobody caught them.
Nobody had.
Melanie stabbed the long spar of wood into the sandâgently, so as not to break itânext to the one theyâd found earlier and grabbed one edge of the half rotten tarpaulin. Jon had had the forethought to bury the corners so the tarp didnât fly away, but it wouldnât be hard to pull up. âWeâre going now, right?â
âWe kind of have to.â Jon squinted up at the sky. It was a clear, clear blue, but he knew that didnât mean much. âYou know how fast the weather can change, and she got short with me when I tried to look at the report in the paper. I guess she wasnât finished.â
âShame she doesnât watch the news,â Melanie said bitterly. âJust her stories.â
Jon grabbed another edge of the tarp. âWell, if the treasure is still there, we can buy our own radio and listen to whatever we want, and if itâs not we can live there until itâs time to go home and it wonât matter anyway.â
âWonât she get mad?â
âSure sheâll get mad. But she has to find us first.â Jon dragged the tarp back. âCome on. You get in and Iâllââ
âNo way,â Melanie interrupted. âWeâre launching this together, remember? Toss the oars in and letâs go.â
Jon gave her a mock salute. âAye, aye, Captain.â
Melanie narrowed her eyes at him. He knew she didnât mean anything by it. âShut it, mate.â
Jon simply smiled, as innocently as he could. âFirst mate?â
âI hate you,â Melanie claimed. Jon, who knew better, just laughed.
They had argued, privately, over what to call the boat. It wasnât a proper rowboat, or even a real boat at all; neither of them knew how to properly make one. Jon had found directions, kind of, in a book from the library, but they werenât allowed to use a saw even if theyâd been able to find a barrel, and the book had been maddeningly vague on how the character had âfittedâ a half lid to make a keel anyway. (And also they were mice. Maybe it was different for people.) But then they had found an old, abandoned trunk in their explorations and been able to smuggle it to their cove before they âwanderedâ too far and had to be brought back by the policeânot that theyâd ever really gone that far, just that they sometimes got into places they werenât technically supposed to be. It had taken them a few days to get the vessel shipshape, but the last step had been finding wood to use as oars. The night before, theyâd managed to catch a few minutes of a movie being shown before being sent to bed, and the narrator had given their boat a name that was perfect.
âRight,â Jon announced, tossing the two pieces of wood into the boat. âQuick, before someone sees us. All aboard the SS Toy Box.â
Melanie grabbed the side of the box in front; Jon grabbed the opposite corner in the back, and together they ran into the gentle surf. Once they were in it up to their knees, Melanie jumped over the side like they always did in the pictures, and it worked. Jon jumped in on the other side. The boat dipped a little bit below the waterâs surface with their combined weight, but it stayed floating.
âYes!â Melanie pumped her fists triumphantly in the air, then picked up the shorter oar. âShe floats! Next stop, Kirrin Island!â
They made awkward, stuttering progress at first, until Jon started singing one of the songs theyâd learned in school over the last year, one of the ones their new music teacher called a call and response song that were meant to teach them how to sing in parts. Melanie sang the echoes back to him and, just as heâd hoped, she started pulling in time with the singing. Jon reckoned it would do better than calling âstrokeâ like the rowing team at the university did. It also meant they got some good speed going. That was especially good, because the further out they got, the less likely they were to be caught.
They couldnât see their destination from here. Obviously they couldnât. Their science teacher had told them that, all other things being equal, a human being could only see about three miles away, to the edge of the horizon, andâby Jonâs calculations, which might be a bit offâthey were closer to ten miles away. It was going to take them most of the day to get there, but it would be worth it.
Kirrin Island. Technically it belonged to the Kirrin familyâspecifically to George Kirrin by now, or so Jon supposed, since heâd deciphered (with some help) the date at the front of the book. That is, if the people in the books were real. Of course both Jon and Melanie had long ago outgrown the idea that just because a thing was written down meant it was true, and there were lots of stories told to try and explain real things that nobody actually knew anything about. There could very easily be no such person as George Kirrin, or any such place as Kirrin Cottage.
The island, now, that had to truly exist. One couldnât just invent land masses that werenât really there. Maybe it wasnât called Kirrin Island at all, but it had to be there.
Right?
âTen points to starboard,â Melanie called over her shoulder.
âYou donât know what points are,â Jon argued, even as he dragged his paddle backwards to make the boat turn right.
âDo, too,â Melanie shot back. âItâs the little lines on the compass. Ten points is turning ten of those.â
âDid you bring a compass?â
âShut up.â
Jon reckoned they had turned enough and resumed paddling forward. âAnyway, those are degrees.â
Melanie scowled over her shoulder and missed a stroke, then hastily returned her gaze forward. âTheyâre the same thing.â
âAre not.â
âAre too.â
âAre not.â
âAre too.â
The argument quickly dissolved into silliness and giggling as it dawned on both of them that their chanting was fulfilling the same role as the singing had earlier in keeping them on stroke. Jon was glad of that, as it kept him from having to admit that Melanie might just possibly be right. He would have to look it up when he got home.
The waves were smooth as glass and the sky was utterly cloudless, and except for a very, very faint difference in the color you almost couldnât tell where one ended and the other began if you were looking straight ahead. At least Jon couldnât. He trusted that Melanie either could or would know where they were navigating to. They had a map, not a very good one since theyâd drawn it themselves based on the map in the library and a whole lot of guessworkâfor some reason it stopped before it got to Kirrin Island. Still, it ought to be enough, and Melanie ought to be able to follow it.
Then again, maybe they should have brought a compass, too.
The sun beat down on their shoulders. It had rained very early that morning, but the storm had long passed, so they ought to be fine, at least for the moment. Jon didnât smell rain, although it was hard to smell anything other than the salt of the English Channel. Anyway, he wasnât worried about them getting lost. They would have to lose sight of the shore in order to reach the island, he thought, and even if they missed it, well, the Channel was at its second narrowest point here. They would just hit France. He didnât really speak French, but they could learn, and anyway that would make it harder for her to find them.
Jon let his mind wander a bit, even as he kept up the are-not, are-too chant. He wished the judge hadnât been so nice to Grandmother Sims when theyâd gone to court and said she was allowed to see him. Thank goodness Melanie got to come with him. There had been a bit of fuss about that, but heâd insisted when they were setting everything up that he wouldnât go without his sister and the judge had agreed with him, which was good. Grandmother Sims disagreed, clearly, but she hadnât been able to argue. Sheâd tried, saying she only had one bedroom on the ground floor and she hadnât used the upstairs since her husband died, but she did technically have those rooms, and since Jon and Melanie shared a room at home the judge had said it would be all right if they shared one anyway. Even Grandmother Simsâ barrister had agreed.
There were rules. Too many rules. Of course some rules were good if they kept you safe, but it was silly that they werenât allowed to shut the bedroom door. And her insistence that children should be seen but not heard sounded a whole lot like be more ladylike and neither of them were good at that. She never wanted to hear what theyâd been up to all day long, very rarely asked about anything at all other than quizzing them on what they were learning in school. Dinnertime discussions largely centered around correcting their mannersâwhich werenât that badâor comparing Jon to Papa, often unfavorably. All his undesirable traitsâat least undesirable to her, since Jon didnât see what was so bad about, for example, not wanting his food to mix togetherâcame from Mama, which was silly, because some of them were just how he liked doing things and some of them were things heâd been taught by Mummy or Daddy.
He didnât like other things about being at Grandmother Simsâ, either. Like the fact that she didnât want them speaking anything but âthe Queenâs Englishâ, which didnât just mean using proper grammar and dictionâor what she thought was proper, anywayâbut also meant they werenât allowed to practice their Cantonese where she could hear them.
Well, no more of that. Once they got to the island, they could talk how they liked all the time, and she couldnât stop them. And then it would be time to go home and they would be safe.
He glanced back over his shoulder. The cove was out of sight, which heâd kind of expected since they had turned. What he hadnât expected was that the shoreline would have vanished, too. He didnât think they had been rowing that long, but they must have, mustnât they? To have lost sight of the shore on the horizon, they had to have gone at least three miles.
He was just about opening his mouth to ask Melanie how far she reckoned they had gone and if she reckoned they were getting close when the first wave hit.
It came out of nowhere. One minute the water was still as midnight, and the next a wave taller than Jon crashed against the side of the boat, shoving them to one side. Jon only just managed to keep from overbalancing. He straightened quickly. âWhat was that?â
âDunno,â Melanie called over her shoulder. âMaybe another boat?â
âWe should have seen it coming,â Jon argued. âThe wave, I mean.â
Melanie scowled over her shoulder. âIâm watching where weâre going. You look for waves.â
âNo, I meanââ Jon began. Before he could finish his sentence, a second wave slammed into them from the other side.
Thatâwasnât right. It wasnât how waves were supposed to work. They came from one direction, and they didnât start out of nowhere like that. Unless there was some kind of underwater volcano or an explosion of some kind, but even thenâ
He shook his head and pushed the oar on the side of the boat opposite the wave, to try and keep them upright. âKeep paddling! If we go alongside them, we can make it,â he shouted to Melanie.
âKeep us on course then,â Melanie yelled back, digging her paddle deep into the water.
Jon ducked his head and did the same, concentrating as hard as he could. The waves had come from almost exactly opposite one another, so it shouldnât be hard to keep them in a straight line. As long as they didnât panic, as long as they just kept their speedâ
The sudden shadow falling over them was all the warning they got. Jon looked up sharply and felt his blood run cold at the sight of a gigantic pair of waves, easily twelve feet high, suddenly rising up on either side of the boat, curling over like greedy, grasping claws.
In that split second, he knew they wouldnât be able to row fast enough to escape.
Jon and Melanie both screamed as the waves crashed down. Jon didnât know what possessed him, but he swung upward with his paddle, as if he could bat the wave away before it touched them. It seemed to almost snatch the paddle from his hands and toss it away before it, and its companion, slammed into the boat and ripped it apart, sending them both crashing into the water.
The shock of the cold water stunned him and stole the air from his lungs. It also pushed him down far faster than he had expected. Jon flailed, trying to right himself, but he found himself tumbling as he went, thoroughly disorientated. He couldnât tell which way he was facing. His glassesâsomehowâwere still on his face, but when he opened his eyes, all he could see was blue. Some distant part of his mind told him that wasnât right, that sunlight shouldnât penetrate this far and he shouldnât be able to see blue, but that was quickly swallowed up by panic and the fact that he couldnât breathe.
Melanie. Where was Melanie?
Jonâs panic kicked into higher gear. On the one hand, he didnât want Melanie to dieâbut on the other hand, they were always together. Always. Sheâd insisted she wouldnât go without him and vice versa. He couldnât lose her. He couldnât.
He stared around himself frantically, but there was nothing but blue, blue, blue everywhere he looked, a uniform, solid blue that meant he couldnât even tell where the sunlight might be coming from, he didnât know where he was, which way was up? Where had up gone?
âMelanie!â he screamed, or tried to. All that came out were bubbles. He frantically watched, trying to see which way they wentâbut they didnât go, they just hung in front of his face for a second and then became part of the endless blue. That didnât make sense. It wasnât right. There had to be an up, air had to go somewhere, bubbles had to float, where was Melanie, he couldnât lose her, couldnât let her die without him, couldnât die without herâ
He shot out his hand, encountered something, and grabbed onto it hard. It was solid and soft and at first it was cold, too cold, but then it warmed up and clutched him back and he knew, he knew it was his sisterâs hand, would know it anywhere. Just to be sure, he squeezed three times in a row, one two three, and the hand he was clinging to repeated the gesture back. He gasped in relief and swallowed salt but the bubbles went up, and he kicked his legs and followed themâ
âand broke the surface with a great shuddering gasp, and oh, thank God, Melanieâs head broke the surface next to him, gasping and sobbing and frantically fighting to keep her head above water, too.
âMelanie?â Jon cried, just to make sure. The waves were choppier than they had been and he got a mouthful of seawater, but he tipped his head back.
âJon,â Melanie wailed. She slipped under the surface briefly, and he almost panicked before she resurfaced, still clutching his hand.
âThere they are!â a faint voice cried, and Jon turned just in time to see an orange ring flying towards them. It landed in the water next to them with a dull thwap, and Jon saw that there were black straps all around the outside edge of it. He grabbed hold of one with his free hand; Melanie did the same, but neither was willing to relinquish the otherâs hand to get a better grip.
Luckily, they didnât need one, and a few moments later, they were hauled dripping and coughing in the crisp white boat belonging to the Bournemouth Police Department. The second his knees touched the plasticine seat, Jon lunged forward and threw his arms around Melanie, hugging her tight.
Melanie did the same.
âYou two got yourselves in quite a pickle this time,â PC Poppers, one of the officers Grandmother Sims often sent after them, said in a kindly voice. âLucky for you someone spotted you. Be more careful playing in boxes around the ocean, aye? Easy for an unexpected tide to sweep you out to sea.â
Jon didnât need to look at Melanieâs face to know that they were going to keep mum about that one. If anyone found out theyâd done it on purpose it would be sure to get back to Grandmother Sims and theyâd be in even worse trouble than they were sure to be this time. Not that it ever seemed to matter that they didnât usually stray far on purpose, but maybe if PC Poppers told her it was an accident theyâd be in less trouble.
âSorry, sir,â he mumbled.
PC Poppers patted his head, then Melanieâs. âThere, there. No real harm done. Weâll get you two home and dry in no time.â
Jon shivered, and didnât argue, not out loud. No real point in saying that Grandmother Simsâ house wasnât home. Nor did he want to admit that part of him wondered if he would ever feel dry again. His cheeks and eyes stung with salt water, and he honestly couldnât say what was ocean and what was tears.
Something about the way she kept clinging to him, and to the towel draped around them both, told him Melanie might be feeling the same way.
thinking about how fucking bitter jon was towards leitner in mag 80. like itâs not just the fact that leitnerâs the one who ruined his life, itâs also how both of them were in positions of power and were spared while their assistants suffered. jon regrets itâregrets it all, even though he was the cause of some of that suffering. jon, who didnât trust his assistants and didnât want them to be around him, still didnât want to lose them. he wanted them to be safe. but leitner doesnât give a shit. leitner talks about his assistants like tools to be discarded instead of people who had lives to live that were tragically cut short. he doesnât care at all. and i think jon hated that. jon regrets everything and is so deeply sorry to his assistants, and yet here leitner is, with decades to think about these events and still not regretting a damn thing. like no wonder jon hated his ass
and then think about in mag 111, where jon meets gerry and gerry is talking about the time he thought he found leitner but realized it was just some pathetic old man and jon just. doesn't correct him. doesn't tell him he was right about it being leitner and about him being a pathetic old man. because jon and gerry both hated leitner from childhood, for very different reasons. and they both met him and discovered that the big bad bogeyman they'd worked up in their heads for years was just a pompous pathetic windbag who made bad choices and didn't care about the consequences to anyone but himself. and jon. jon who has been told repeatedly that the people he claims to care about are disposable and refuses to believe that or treat them that way. jon who has already lost so much and is already so afraid. jon lets gerry believe that jurgen leitner is more impressive than he was. because he's afraid of hearing that he's wrong to still hate him for what he did even if he didn't seem to enjoy it.