My back hurts but I'm being brave about it

Ilya vs Shane on his phone (¬`‸´¬)

bonus:

from Hayden’s point of view the man he fucking idolizes more than anyone in the world (“Shane is like, off limits, dude”) comes out to you as gay and seems really inexperienced, maybe he’s never even really dated?? And Hayden’s like okay bud we’ll get you a WAG with a dick. Nothing else has to change. A nice guy you know like Hunter’s smoothie chick. Not a chick Hayden. You know what I mean Shane

And then Ilya who’s spent his whole career shit talking Shane in public and being very well known as a player shows to do domestic role play with your specialist baby boy best friend?? And he’s like. Touching him and kind of manhandling him and acting like he knows him BETTER THAN YOU when you were Shane’s first ever friend, excuse you Rozanov, Shane was my best man, okay, Shane is godfather to my kids. Who the fuck are you. Stop touching him. What are you doing here even is this some weird psychological power trip for you are you even gay. Stop touching him!!!

And then you find out oh no this isn’t a new thing (like Shane implied) this has been going on since the DRAFT. Since before the draft! And your brain is just like melting (you don’t have a lot to work with there anyway) and then you’re pissed all over again because what, Shane was getting jerked around by Rozanov all these years (Not how it was Hayds) or like Rozanov was taunting him (No) and wow is he just going to up and leave once he gets bored (Hayds…)

Ilya's been being a chirping, aggressive bitch on the ice all night, grin sharp and teeth bloody from one too many gloves off, and Shane's trying not to get so hard he can't skate straight

Shane finally breaks his perfect media persona and shuts down a shitty reporter with a sharp tongue and sharper words, and Ilya's forcing himself not to take Shane right there on the table

It shocks people when Ilya's being worse than normal and instead of stopping it, Shane's egging him on with a look and a seemingly innocent but targeted touch

Ilya's wrapping himself as tightly as possible around Shane in a bar, face buried in his neck because Shane started bitching off to someone who wouldn't just leave them the fuck alone

Except then shane is like no, this is my comfort place, and now its yours too, and I am so giddy to see you here I cant see straight and yes im a little hard about it but mostly I just want to exist with you with no pretense of running out the door in a few short hours hey by the way dont marry svetlana even for a green card, I have a better idea--

Shane stares at him, uncomprehendingly, for a second before slowly replying, "...I didn't."

Holmberg gives him a deeply skeptical look. "I've seen the way you react when people flirt with Roz in front of you," he says, "there's no way you guys have an open relationship."

"No," Shane clarifies immediately. He would rather set himself on fire than have to live with sharing his husband with another person. "No, we're exclusive," he confirms, "but I never asked him to stop sleeping with other people. He just kind of... stopped. I didn't even find out until a few months after it happened so, I don't know, maybe just wait it out?"

"Sometimes you can spend a few years being sexy near a boy, yes? and then later he will marry you" and then walks away.

Evelyn: “We dig up dead people who often have monstrous curses placed on them!”

Rick: *grabs sword from equally ominous looking wall full of weapons one of which seems to be glowing* fantastic I was getting a bit rusty

Rick: Have I mentioned how wonderful my wife is yet, I really feel like I haven’t really expanded enough on how wonderful she is

Gomez: do go on, I would be delighted to hear about how wonderful your wife is, I strongly encourge all men to extoll the virtues of their wives with rapturous praise, however I should perhaps mention my wife is in fact better

Everyone thinks it’s just classic Rozanov being a little shit. But really, it’s the closest he gets to sending people pictures of his boy.