be that as it do

Call me a cunnilinguist the way I pronounce her clitoral approximant

Safe word is ʔ because the the oral stop

Linguolabial consonants but the other kind

animals that look fun to golf

the universal college experience, no matter your major, is learning how remarkably fucked everything is. except business majors theyre having a great time learning to do basic arithmetic and and staring at that one supply and demand graph where the line goes up

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Pokemon Heritage Post

So today I learned that not everybody throws back the whole handful at once and slams their water like they're doing shots

People who are reblogging this without the pictures are missing out because I’m hilarious 

The best thing about this post is that Australia and Canada are in opposite hemispheres so you can run both segments simultaneously and the Australian will be in the worst of Canada’s winter while the Canadian is in the worst of Australia’s summer

The squeak is coming from inside the mouse.

stepped on a plum (overripe plum) (barefoot) it was on the driveway got out of the car and accidentally (didn't know it was there) stepped on the plum (warm) (on the ground) (it had fallen from the tree) barefoot (no shoes) wearing long pants (too long) (need to hem them) plum viscera got on them (the pants) unexpected plum on the driveway (hot plum) (97 degrees out) already super hungover (throwing up all morning) (should not have been driving at all) and I stepped out of the car (black car) (97 degrees out) and onto the plum (unexpected) (didn't know the plum was there) and it burst (plum nightmare on my only good pair of sweatpants) still we find ways to keep ourselves going from day to day

happy one year anniversary to possibly the best plum poem since william carlos williams' "this is just to say"

i need to cheer myself up im gonna try to draw a shrimp from memory