over the garden wall

Yea I want to rearrange your guts but first how was your day? Did you eat?

surgeons before they put you under anesthetic

northern hemisphere babes we made it to the longest night of the year. we made it. for the next 6 months, every day will give us a little more daylight than the last. let's go. take my hand. climb out of the darkness with me

southern hemisphere babes, they're stealing our fucking daylight!

honestly more media should portray the anti aging industry as horrific and decidedly unhuman. it IS body horror it IS grotesque it DOES go against nature. it WILL kill you. yes.

ppl are rlly trying to defend being on your phone during a movie in the theater what is going on

the defense of being on your phone in a movie theater is who cares? by your own admission, you should be paying attention to the movie. so why do you care what other people are doing? you’re meant to be paying attention to the movie.

shoutout to whoever stole my amazon package containing nothing but a single pair of shoelaces.

(in the passenger seat) look there. you see it? three crows flying east-a good omen! the signs urge us to speed through this school zone

Great idea until you have 7th graders in Florida picking your president…. I’m not sure that the people that actually agree to this idea understand that kids would just vote how their parents would because no seventh grader has more than two brain cells. I was in seventh grade when the 2016 election happened, and holy fuck you do not want those kids picking your President, let alone having rights in general

this sucks so bad i need to [remembers suicide jokes only worsen my mental health] put on the best talent show this towns ever seen

feels like some of u aren't properly appreciating the fact that he sleeps in a berry patch. and he rolls over and squishes the berries into his fur. because he's so sleepy and content.

maybe people think he's an ugly dog but just to be clear he is actually a beautiful pig

Don't let anyone tell you there isn't time for another smoke break. They're lying. get out there and sit on an upside down milk crate. NOW!

Shut the fuck up Brug this post is for line cooks ONLY

He wants to fuck her so bad it makes him look stupid

That's his fiancee.

well it's working on me

the key to understanding kermit is that line from the original muppet series where lesley anne warren is like "i thought you were the only person here who wasn't crazy" and kermits like "me not crazy? i hired the others" that guy loves chaos. he loves crazy shit, and he loves being the guy who has to handle the crazy shit. he deliberately creates these circumstances! he puts himself in these positions! and then he's like "i cant believe youre making me do this." anyway that frog is more human than any of us

classic behaviour for the manager of a community theatre company.

you cant fucking hurt me bitch im protected by the migratory bird act

Please, I just want to know what your migratory flight path is, I promise I’ll release you after I give you this bracelet that will insanely up your game with the ladies

bitches love me for my bright and colourful leg band

the tone makes this sound like they have a recurring problem with people trying to join after a bad breakup and are just sick of this shit

'People who are getting away from a bad breakup' was a major source of recruits for the French Foreign Legion.

I have worked a lot of remote jobs and you have no idea how common it is for someone who just had or got out of a bad interpersonal relationship to decide that they need to find themselves out in the woods and work on their issues, so then they go and get a job that requires close contact with limited group of people and no one else for months on end. And then when they make their bad decisions, (the rebound boyfriend, the one night stand, the long drawn out cry sesh with a bottle of booze in the middle of the night on a work day) they're still stuck with the same 6 people on a mountaintop for another 7 weeks who are all forced into front row seats to bear witness to the ongoing character development until the guy who is nominally in charge has to make a rule about no fucking in the cook tent, because its the only structure big enough for us all to get out of the rain and while we're all glad that Sarah is taking charge of her own life after her boyfriend cheated on her by fucking literally the only eligible man for 200 miles in every direction, the rest of us would like a hot meal.

@theconjuredking