Space Gays

but we are reduced to either terrorists, extremists, always at war with eachother. we are dehumanised, seen as savages and illiterate desert dwellers. shame on you all for your ignorance and the discrimination it breeds.

It’s October 3rd!

Howdy everyone,

Today's house, built in 2001, comes to you from, you guessed it, the Chicago suburbs. The house is a testimony to traditional craftsmanship and traditional values (having lots of money.) The cost of painting this house greige is approximately the GDP of Slovenia so the owners have decided to keep it period perfect (beige.) Anyway.

This 5 bedroom, 7.5 bathroom house clocks in at a completely reasonable 12,700 square feet. If you like hulking masses and all-tile interiors, it could be all yours for the reasonable price of $2.65 million.

The problem with having a house that is 12,700 square feet is that they have to go somewhere. At least 500 of them were devoted to this foyer. Despite the size, I consider this a rather cold and lackluster welcome. Cold feet anyone?

The theme of this house is, vaguely, "old stuff." Kind of like if Chuck E Cheese did the sets for Spartacus. Why the dining room is on a platform is a good question. The answer: the American mind desires clearly demarcated space, which, sadly, is verboten in our culture.

The other problem with a 12,700 square foot house is that even huge furniture looks tiny in it.

Entering cheat codes in "Kitchen Building Sim 2000" because I spent my entire $70,000 budget on the island.

Of course, a second sitting room (without television) is warranted. Personally, speaking, I'm team Prince.

I wonder why rich people do this. Surely they must know it's tacky right? That it's giving Liberace? (Ask your parents, kids.) That it's giving Art.com 75% off sale if you enter the code ROMANEMPIRE.

Something about the bathroom really just says "You know what, I give up. Who cares?" But this is not even the worst part of the bathroom...

Not gonna lie, this activates my flight or fight response.

If you remember Raggedy Ann you should probably schedule your first colonoscopy.

Anyways, that does it for the interior. Let's take a nice peek at what's out back.

I love mowing in a line. I love monomaniacal tasks that are lethal to gophers.

Alright, that does it for this edition of McMansion Hell. Back to the book mines for me. Bonus posts up on Patreon soon.

If you like this post and want more like it, support McMansion Hell on Patreon for as little as $1/month for access to great bonus content including a discord server, extra posts, and livestreams.

Counter edge - successful

Stick from the woods - not successful

Stick from the firepit (not on fire) - not successful

Shoe - not successful

Small rock - successful (bandaid needed)

Large rock - successful

Stick from firepit (on fire) - successful

Stone from firepit (fire in pit) - successful

Edge of fire barrel (fire in barrel) - successful

Log from bonfire (large) (on fire) - unknown everyone was too drunk and cousin fell in fire (he lived to be mocked forever)

Tree - unsuccessful 1 time and successful 1 time but also boring so attempts abandoned

Marshmellow stick (marshmallow on stick) - unsuccessful (marshmallow fell in dirt)

Knife (little) - successful

Knife knife (medium) - successful (bandaid needed but not for the cousin trying this but for my brother who caught the knife with his foot when cousin dropped it)

Knife (large) - successful

Teeth (human: attached) - successful (hurts btw don’t recommend)

Machete - successful (more experiments needed)

Machete (chop the top of the bottle off) - successful (lots of broken glass don’t drink)

Machete competition to see who could cut the top off a bottle the cleanest (competition banned forever when my mom found out) (after she won)

Axe - successful

Random deer bone a dog found - unknown everyone kept getting distracted by the deer bone

Sheer grit and bare hands - successful because it turned out the bottle was actually a twist cap

Sheer grit and bare hands - unsuccessful (bottle not twist cap) (cousin mocked forever)

Edge of golf cart - unknown (got chased off by my mom)

Fence - successful (got yelled at by my mom)

Metal porch chairs - successful (bandaid needed)

Plastic porch chairs - successful (?????)

Another bottle (unopened) - unsuccessful (both bottles broke)

Another bottle (opened) - unsuccessful

Another bottle cap (not attached) - unsuccessful

Paving tiles in a stack - successful

Cooler edge - successful

Cooler edge by closing the cooler lid really hard - unsuccessful (bottle broke) (paused to pick glass out of cousins hand)

Concrete ground - successful but considered a fail because most of the drink came out when it opened

Porch support column - unsuccessful

Flathead screw driver - successful

Horseshoe (horse: not attached) - successful

Metal sunglasses case - successful

Citronella candle bucket (candle lit) - successful (cousin burned)

Horseshoe (horse: attached) - successful (got yelled at by my mom)

Random piece of metal - successful (stitches and tetanus shot)