I think we should arm the elephants. I think that they possess the cognitive capacity to understand the strategic value of the firearm’s destructive potential and the firm but gentle moral intuition necessary to invoke that power only in the most responsible and proportional ways.

At first the local zookeepers were kind of miffed when they caught me trying to smuggle a modified trunk-operable crew weapon into the enclosure but by the end of my pitch at least half of them were thoughtfully nodding along

hush little baby dont you cry. mamas gonna buy you a big horse fly. and if that big horse fly dont fly. mamas gonna buy you another horse fly

[club mix] another horse fly. another horse fly

They need to invent a guy dead on the floor emoji

had a dream that I met a wizard and we fell in love and became unhealthily attached to each other so we decided to meld into one single creature together but the process was horrifically slow and painful and most of the dream was us lying in bed holding hands while lesions opened up in our skin and seeped out blue and green fluid and the wizard said "this is going to take a very very long time" and I said "that's ok"

Mommy just home with a box of cab and hummus to bad i dont have a playful fucktoy to shock with my high voltage wires tonight well i guess i can get estremely fucked up and cry abnout my shitty ass life alone but at least i have spicy hummus so maybe life is good as fuck for me now

where we’ve all been once before

I’m not “getting too in the weeds” I’m “enthusiastically exploring my native flora”

Not to sound like a fuckin hippie but please for the love of god start noticing and appreciating the natural world around you. You don’t have to go hike the entire Appalachian trail or anything and I get that not everyone has access to the outdoors for various reasons, but just fucking … look around you when you’re outside. Notice the sky and the sun and the birds and creatures. Start caring about them. I’m begging you.

pens scared me as a kid. a pencil that you cant erase? thats fucked up shit to do to a kid man

but then in high school i met her. i never saw anybody like her before. she was cool she was precise she was always smooth. when i first saw the pilot g-2 pen i knew i wasnt a kid any more

"i dont dislike taylor swift as a person, i just think her music is not that good" well i hate her as well. why the fuck am i biking everywhere and taking trains and walking two hours if she produces two tons of co2 emissions for a 15min flight. fuck her

rasputin didnt become a fucked up sex wizard until he was like 30. your life doesn't end at 25 <3

if you're in your mid twenties and you're reading this you still have plenty of time to inadvertently topple a dynasty just by being really fucking weird and horny. don't worry.

everyones doing the bare ass minumum to hold that sign up except babygirl on the right. Firm grip

When you gon stop drinking vermouth with the uncouth and come eat some pheasant with the pleasant

goodbye 2023👋hello 𓏏𓉔𓇋𓋴 𓇌𓅂𓄿𓂋 𓇋 𓅃𓇋𓃭𓃭 𓎼𓅂𓏏 𓄿 𓅓𓅲𓅓𓅓𓇌 𓃀𓅱𓇌𓆑𓂋𓇋𓅂𓈖𓂧 𓅓𓄿𓇌𓃀𓅂 𓉔𓅲𓋴𓃀𓄿𓈖𓂧 𓇋𓆑 𓉔𓅂𓂕𓋴 𓎢𓅱𓅱𓃭 𓅃𓇋𓏏𓉔 𓏏𓉔𓄿𓏏

my egyptologist friend says this is a (very poorly) phonetically transcribed english phrase "this year i will get a mommy boyfriend"

okay you werent supposed to know that