✿so it goes✿

i genuinely feel worse than i was at my lowest point.

i was going out and with friends so who cares that i was crying myself to sleep every night because of how much i hated my appearance. at least i was distracted for most of the day.

this quarantine is making me so insane.

i feel like i have no friends because i can’t see them anymore. i hate myself even more with each second.

i’ve stopped eating and am now compulsively exercising constantly because maybe if i’m skinny again someone will love me. ive been wearing a belt on the tightest my waist can handle for weeks now because all i wanna do is look perfect.

i hate myself so much.

mall my friends are so beautiful and they tell me i am too. but i hear them talk about boys and like cute shit and even bad shit and all i can do is try to give them advice but i fucking start crying the moment i can.

i feel so ugly and pointless and as though i have no meaning at all, now especially with this self isolation.

i just don’t get it anymore.

why am i so sad

in this time where a lot of schools are moving online due to covir-19, please check up on your friends struggling with mental illness. for a lot of kids, sxhool may be the only reason they get up and leave the home/eat/drink water/etc. with everything moving online especially with “social distancing” becoming a near requirement for the majority, it’s severely important to make sure your friends are okay.

if you are aware that your friends are struggling with depression, text them to check how they’re holding up. if you’re aware that you have a friend with an eating disorder, facetime them and see if they’ve eaten. if your friend had anxiety, call them to let them know corona won’t kill them. check up on your friends, especially those with mentall illness.

if you are the friend with mentall illness,

insecurity ?

i know teenagers are hormonal disasters but i guess i just want some comfort in knowing i’m not alone?

both my parents are emotionally/verbally abusive and have neglected me as long as i can remember, and most of my past friendships in the past have ended with abandonment and absolutely no explanation. my first relationship, who was my first kiss and love, ended with him cheating on me and ghosting me just to hit me with a “i gtg watch a movie, i’ll talk to you tmmrw” when i asked him if he ever cared about me. after that i didn’t really do the whole emotional thing and the first guy to wanna date me after that told me he’d probably cheat on me if we dated.

the few times my mother spoke to me during my childhood, if it wasn’t about how i have to be skinny and throw up my food when i’m older, was to emphasize the point that my one purpose in life is for men. obviously i don’t really believe that much now, but children develop certain subconscious expectancy based off family.

maybe it’s my stupid want to be romantically loved, but everyday just gets harder and no matter how many times my friends call me pretty all i think is that it’s simply them lying because they don’t wanna feel responsible if i off myself.