gaylorism

Happy Pride Month everyone! I feel as if I haven't posted a song analysis in a while and I thought Pride Month would be a great time to pick it back up (though I've definitely drafted song analyses plenty in all this time). In previous analyses I've mentioned this song plenty, to the point where it almost feels like I've already looked at it one-on-one. While this song through a gaylor perspective feels a bit self-explanatory to a lot of people familiar with this space, I thought analyzing this song would be a nice way to begin Pride Month.

"Combat, I'm ready for combat // I say I don't want that, but what if I do? // 'Cause cruelty wins in the movies"

In this opening line, Taylor proclaims that, while she says she doesn't want to fight, she's prepared for it. As a gaylor/Kaylor, I interpret this line as her saying that she's ready to fight off the obstacles in her way that barred her from coming out, especially since I believe in the theory that the Lover era was a coming out attempt that fell through.

Taylor questions if she means it when she says that she doesn't want to fight, because she wants to win the fight and fighting is what wins in the movies. What if there's a part of her that wants to fight in a more "cruel" way because thinks that's the only way to be freed. These lines pair well with similar lines from "MAATHP": "And I don't want you to // (go), I don't really wanna (fight) // 'Cause nobody's gonna (win), just thought you should know // And I'll never let you (go) 'cause I know this is a (fight) // That someday we're gonna (win)." Both lines reflect Taylor's conflicting feelings of not wanting to fight, but also wanting to fight so that she can win the battle.

What is the "cruelty" she fears wanting to take part in? I think it could be the method of coming out attempts. I think I've mentioned in previous analyses that the Lover coming out attempt seemed to be one without vitriol. In the sense that Taylor didn't seem to greatly point the finger at the entertainment industry for closeting people that might include herself. It was fairly, for lack of a better word, tame. And, in hindsight, it failed, possibly due to this in part. Maybe Taylor's instinct was the treat the situation with kid gloves. To not start a war. And maybe she convinced herself that any fight she had to do was forced upon her, not something she wanted. But maybe a part of her does want it, as it feels like fighting rather than being nice could be the thing to get her freed.

Years passed from this era, it feels like Taylor is leaning more into the combat. Bit of TLOAS in my opinion and especially TTPD expressed anger toward the asylum that is the entertainment industry. Maybe Lover didn't have the bite Taylor personally need to be freed, but the most recent eras have seemed to be laying the blocks for a stronger foundation in the future.

"I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you"

I think the hundred thrown-out speeches are coming out speeches that Taylor had been too cautious to give, whether it'd be because of her own fear, the industry holding her back, all of the above, or what have you. I honestly don't recall what I thought this line ment in my pre-gaylor days. I don't think I really thought about it that deeply, which is crazy to me now, just to know I didn't. I just assumed it as the speeches could've been anything, not questioning what because I assumed I wouldn't figure out the answer. And I still don't necessarily think I know—I acknowledge that gaylor is a theory and I'm only conjecturing.

"Easy they come, easy they go // I jump from the train, I ride off alone"

The "they" in question are the chances to come out. For Taylor if feels like they pop up easily, but go so quickly. There's debate in this community on whether or not the closet is Taylor's own doing or closeters at this point. I think Taylor's music reflects her also wondering this notion too, with songs like "The Prophecy." If Taylor saw fit, she could come out right now, right? But there could be all kinds of obstacles and timing issues in the way. To me, it seems like Taylor, if she wants to come out (I believe she wants to), wants to do so in a very specific way that might seem tedious to outsiders. But I think she deserves to do it the way she wants to.

What's the train here? In my "ILIPW" analysis, I interpreted the train in that song as metaphorically taking certain types of gaylors and the queer community in general away from Taylor. Her coming out plans during Lover went south and some gaylors were so tired and/or fed-up with Taylor that they left her alone to watch people have what she wanted through metaphorical windows. But here it's a little different, seeing as, obviously, the plan hadn't failed yet. The train still houses the queer community here, but Taylor jumps off of it and rides away alone, as she has no community yet, being closeted. By TTPD, Taylor fears that the train left her and it's too late to get on now.

"I never grew up, it's getting so old // Help me hold onto you"

Never growing is a huge theme in Taylor's music. I've talked about it almost at nauseam in several analyses. To keep it brief, along with generally feeling behind on "acting your age," I think that for Taylor, never growing up extends to never coming out, and Lover was an attempt at growing up.

All of the "you" pronouns in this song are directed at fans in my opinion. Every last kind. Taylor asks if her fans can help her "hold onto" them. Meaning to keep them fans of her's. One of the biggest hurdles of coming out to most people is the fear that those who love or admire you will turn away. Taylor asks for her fans to stay, much like how she does in "Long Live." By the next era, Folklore, I think Taylor somewhat settle with the idea of her fans leaving her for another artist as an inevitability. Maybe in part because of the failed coming out. Songs like "The 1," "Happiness," and "COSOSOM" communicate that to me. Here Taylor is still holding on, confident her fans will see her.

"I've been the archer // I've been the prey"

Taylor being an archer is a double reference to both the combat mentioned in the song and her zodiac sign, Sagittarius (mine too!). Taylor has been a fighter and a victim of the cause she's combating. This line even evokes the symbol of Sagittarius, a centaur, a half-human archer and half-horse, an animal often used by humans. Both archer and prey.

"Who could ever leave me, darling? // But who could stay?"

While the general interpretation of this line likely has to do with dating, I think this line is about Taylor's fanbase too. Taylor's fans adore being her fans, but it can be difficult too. When it comes to "clowning" and "easter egg hunts," theorizing about every little thing around Taylor, that might get exasperating for some if they feel like there's no results from it. I've watch all kinds of Taylor fans get upset when they've theorized something would happen and it didn't, as if they felt owed something for all the theorizing they did. "I gave it my all, Taylor gave me nothing at all," type of jokes and taunts. For gaylors, some might get tired when they feel like Taylor will never come out when they want her to.

There's also the bullying that can come from being a Taylor fan. I've seen plenty of that in my life time. Speaking for my self, I'd been a reserved, private Taylor fan since Speak Now. I didn't even tell friends who were more openly fans of her that I liked Taylor as much as I did because I saw them get bullied (plus, i just didn't feel smart enough to contribute to discussions on her). I opened up way more around the Folklore era, maturing a bit and the world seemingly following suit, but even now I know that I've become more reserved in my real life again because bullying and judgment has gotten worse. In 2019, that bullying could have gotten worse in another way if Taylor came out, due to homophobia. And gaylors get bullied by some other kinds of Taylor fans and the general public. Being a fan of Taylor can be practically addicting for some, but at the same time it can be hard to stay a fan for some. And I bet Taylor's aware of that.

"Dark side, I search for your dark side // But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?"

Taylor searches for a "dark side" to her fans, any reason to not feel safe to come out to them. But she hesitantly resolves that she can trust them and that she's safe with them.

"And I cut off my nose just to spite my face // Then I hate my reflection for years and years"

"Cutting off your nose to spite your face" is a phrase meaning to harm yourself in an act of vengeance. Connecting back to the fighting, maybe this line is about Taylor weighting the pros and cons of combat, knowing that if she harmed herself to free herself and get vengeance on her closeters, she'd hate her reflection for years and years. This line was, forgive the accidental pun, prophetic. When the more tame Lover attempt at coming out didn't work, Taylor stayed closeted and possibly reinvented her plan, in order to not give Big Machine the money that would have accumulated from her coming out (as in, if Taylor came out after or the day of the master heist like many gaylors theorized she would, Big Machine would have profited off of people listening to her music and talking about her). She hurt herself by not coming out like she seemingly wanted to get back at Big Machine, and many of the albums since Lover have been filled with self loathing and/or pain, TLOAS being an exception.

"I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost // The room is on fire, invisible smoke // And all of my heroes die all alone // Help me hold onto you"

Thinking over the topics discussed in this song keep Taylor up at night. The room being on fire with no visible smoke to me symbolizes Taylor being in danger but no one seeing it enough to help her. From far away, smoke might be the only part of a fire a person can see, but if there's no smoke, no one can see the fire unless they are in there with you.

The fire might also be a reference to the burn it down theory, however, I personally associate that theory with the more recent theorized coming out attempt that might be in motion/on the horizon, not the Lover one. It's possible though.

"And all of my heroes die all alone" seems to be a reference to queer histories. There have been many queer historical figure that died by themselves, metaphorically or literally. Mathematician Alan Turing, who had been criminalized for his homosexuality, died by suicide. Oscar Wilde, who was also criminalized for his sexuality, died of acute meningitis shortly after. Emily Dickinson, sapphic poet, died of a debated illness alone in her room, only communicating with people through letters passed through her door. Those are just to name a few. If not literal, maybe many of Taylor's queer heroes died without coming out. To my knowledge/understanding, Oscar Wilde was in a strange limbo state of not coming out in an explicit, worded fashion like we might define it today, but he didn't necessarily hide it deeply or deny it either, as state similar to Taylor's I'd argue. Alan Turing was outed. Emily Dickinson never came out either. They all seemingly died without getting to experience the community they belonged in, or at least certainly not the modern version of it in a somewhat safer world. Even those Taylor looks up to died without their community. Taylor asks again for the fans to help her keep them and be free all at once without suffering the same fate.

"(I see right through me, I see right through me) // 'Cause they see right through me // They see right through me // They see right through // Can you see right through me? // They see right through // They see right through me // I see right through me // I see right through me"

"They" could be so many different figures in Taylor's circle. Maybe it could be gaylors, who are able to question what might be Taylor's ruse of closeting, but that's not my personal take. A bit more likely (due to my reading that this song's "you" pronouns are directed at fans, and therefore gaylors too), it could be those who have closeted her, seeing from the beginning that she needed beards. Or maybe it could even be the heroes she mentioned, her knowing that if they could see her from the afterlife, they'd be able to clock her as one of them no matter how hard she closets.

Taylor asks her fans if they can see right through her too, ultimately declaring that she sees right through her own ruse. I personally suspect Taylor's been aware of her queerness since she's begun writing, but I think she's discovered specifics about it along the way. For example, while there are alternative theories I like fine, I tend to rock with the theory that from the 1989 era to writing Folklore, she identified with bisexuality and flagged as such. But I think by the time of Midnights she'd begun digging deeper, and has since flagged lesbian, as seen by this post. In regards to Lover and this song, before all of that, I've wondered if there was a time, particularly when she was younger, when she saw bearding as more like legitimate dating. Almost like a friend setting you up on a date. In "The Manuscript," Taylor says, "Then she dated boys who were her own age," rather than calling it bearding. Of course I know the currently closeted Taylor isn't going to say she bearded explicitly. What I'm getting at is that the word "dated" used there in that way makes me wonder if it also reflects how she viewed it back then. Not as fake dating, but more like being set up on dates and trying something out. By the time of Lover (probably realizing way before Lover, to get more specific), maybe Taylor saw right through her own compulsory heterosexuality and realized that this wasn't legitimate dating and that she'd only done that to hide her attraction to women (but hadn't quite discovered all that she would discover in the 2020s).

I think "Can you see right through me?" is her asking to be seen. She asks in distress, yes, but I think it also comes from wanting to be seen right through, even when she is hesitant. That's what her flagging is. Hinting without fully saying. The point of flagging in general is to say it without fully outing words.

"All the king's horses, all the king's men // Couldn't put me together again // 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends // Help me hold onto you"

The start to this line is a reference to Humpty Dumpty, a character who falls off a wall and breaks apart, the king's horses and men not able to put him back together when he shatters. Taylor compares herself to Humpty, saying she is fragile. I have wondered if the king is supposed to be anyone specifically. Could be any person suspected to be responsible for her initial closeting, like Scott Borchetta or whatever. If so, the horses could represent any luxury Taylor doesn't value (like the "expensive cars" from "KOMH," such as a mustang maybe), and the men are beards. None of them truly make her feel better because they are a part of the problem, of course. Many people who she views as enemies were once people she viewed as close to her, like Scott Borchetta. All the things that harm her now were once supposed to be helpful and for her own good.

"Who could stay? // You could stay // You could stay // You // Combat, I'm ready for combat"

By the end of this song, Taylor settles more in the idea that her fans could be the ones who stay with her through this fight. They can stay. She reinforces again that she is ready to fight for what she wants.