Titled

FUCK YEAH.

AYFKM this shit is ASPIRATIONAL.

I’m turning 28 in a few days and I’ll be honest I’d hoped to have an actual job by now

somewhere out there right now is a kid with curly hair being raised by people who have wavy hair at best and those people are giving them 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner and telling them to dry brush it. and that kid is gonna spend all of middle school and high school hating their hair and moping over the flat iron. they're being told right now that if they don't dry-brush their curl pattern into oblivion every morning it means they're unkempt and gross even though they naturally have the kind of ringlets that a thousand bridezillas would commit horrible murders for every june. it's happening right now it's an absolute epidemic and a tragedy every time

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

(popular leftist voice) these right wingers are so mad because they get no women. if you are a Good Person a woman will appear and suck your dick.

(popular leftist voice) these right wingers are all sooo poorrrr and stupid. They are stupid because they are poorrrr, racism would never exist in my suburban area

Popular leftist voice: these right wingers must have brain damage. They must be bigots because they are literally reta suffering from blsck mold, or brain damage.

A cat is a machine that turns proteins into violence.

disabled ppl we need to start lying to nosy people okay? you tell me i'm too young to need a cane and i will tell you point blank that maybe you should tell that to the guy who ran me over. you don't get an explanation of my health issues you get lies and depending on how much of an asshole i want to be that lie will be anything from a humble car crash to a 1 billion lions attack. mind yr business.

"i could never live like that" well maybe you'll have to because this happened overnight. yeah you heard me i was the most able bodied man in the world but then one morning bam i woke up disabled. yeah you could have that too. there's no cure either you'll just wake up one morning and now you have to live like me

"what happened" well have you ever seen looney tunes? yeah an anvil landed on me and squished me flat.

I wonder if the milkman’s wife knows exactly what she’s getting into when she agrees to marry him

When I got my first debit account (I was 19 and this occurred during COVID, if that adds any additional context), I had no clue what ‘cash back’ meant, I thought it was ‘cash back’ in the loyalty rewards way, I was curious about the ‘DO YOU WANT CASH BACK?’ screen with all the pre-programmed money amounts. Instead of looking it up, I clicked the $20 option at Food Lion one day and I was completely astounded when the cashier pulled a $20 out of the cash register and went to hand it to me. This is the opposite of the natural order of things. The cashier was the same age as me and visibly baked so for a fraction of a second, I was wondering if our wires got crossed somehow. I just stood there for a moment staring at him in confusion while he stared at me in confusion. Then, I took the $20 and gathered up my groceries and left. Luckily, $20 didn’t put me into overdraft. No harm done, just a very embarrassing moment. Anyway, if someone comes into your retail job behaving like it is their first day on earth, it is probably because they feel like it is their first day on earth. We’re all just trying to figure this bullshit out. Amen.