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Was I once a young sub on tumblr? Yes. It is hypocritical? Maybe.

Being on tumblr as a young sub gave me endless resources to learn about kink and myself… but it also exposed me to a never ending barrage of unhealthy influences, unsafe kink, and people trying to take advantage of me.

So many of us that are new to kink are looking for community and are desperate to feel less alone in our interests. Trust me when I say: the older folks on this and other platforms know that. And many of them are pieces of shit who know exactly how to take advantage of your desire to find belonging.

These people also know that the younger you are, the less experience you have, the less likely you are the question their unhealthy or abusive behavior. The less exposed you have been to kink, the less confidence you’ll have to stand up for yourself as a submissive.

It happened to me. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, dumb, or stupid. It means someone who calls themself a “Dom” saw something to gain from you with no consideration for your humanity.

Anyway. Not to be an annoying old person, but don’t trust anyone ever!!!! Question everything and everyone. Know your worth. Understand the gift and value of your submission.

You’re in utter disbelief that someone would actually deny an orgasm.

Then comes the anger and frustration. How dare someone try to keep you from your orgasm! Perhaps some attitude will need correcting at this stage.

Soon you’ll be begging. Bartering. Negotiating. Trying anything to prove that you deserve that orgasm.

Maybe you’ll cry when you finally realize that it’s truly out of your control. You have no influence. Your body and its pleasure are no longer a priority or even relevant to the conversation.

And when kept denied, you’ll realize: you’re better without an orgasm. You’re a better sub, better plaything, better toy. You’re more obedient. Your partner knows what you need better than you, and you realize they were right: you don’t need to orgasm.

Then the addiction starts.

The neediness in your body settles as a new default state of being… you would feel empty without it. Directionless.

I want to obey. Desperately. Sometimes I am too weak or forgetful, or I try and I fail. But it’s never purposeful.

In our relationship, there’s really no space in my heart for intentional disrespect. Why would I do this if I didn’t respect him?

A discussion with a friend made me realize recently that one of my fantasies - controlling my sub’s Lush when we’re out doing errands - doesn’t fall within the scope of consent because certainly, other people wouldn’t have consented to being part of that scenario. In retrospect, it seems kind of fucked up. I was wondering what someone with your experience would think.

Ohhhh, this is a topic I get heated about. Any of my kink friends can tell you that I’m a vocal and passionate consent queen when it comes to public play. (And all play, but I get LOUUUD about public play lol.)

In general, I agree with your friend that we must always be mindful of people who did not consent to being a part of sexual or power dynamic play. I’m pretty rigid on this rule - I won’t even wear a collar in public if I think it can be identified as such. And I absolutely won’t do any risky sexual public play.

That being said, I think hidden vibes/other hidden toys are a grey area. Use your common sense. If you think you and your partner can enjoy some secret hidden play WITHOUT bothering, implicating, involving or even drawing the attention of non-consenting parties… I think it can be okay.

Things I draw the line at:

Don’t bring play into someone’s work environment. Example: don’t turn your partner’s vibe on when placing an order with a server. Your server might not know exactly what’s going on, but they don’t need your bs while they’re at work.

Stay in adult spaces. I hope this is obvious.

Disruptive noise. Vibes aren’t usually quiet. This is why I usually opt for plugs that my partner can subtly push when grabbing my ass in a secluded moment, etc.

In short, don’t be a dick.

Actually, no. We all have the responsibility to create a world that is safe and respectful for all.

A discussion with a friend made me realize recently that one of my fantasies - controlling my sub’s Lush when we’re out doing errands - doesn’t fall within the scope of consent because certainly, other people wouldn’t have consented to being part of that scenario. In retrospect, it seems kind of fucked up. I was wondering what someone with your experience would think.

Ohhhh, this is a topic I get heated about. Any of my kink friends can tell you that I’m a vocal and passionate consent queen when it comes to public play. (And all play, but I get LOUUUD about public play lol.)

In general, I agree with your friend that we must always be mindful of people who did not consent to being a part of sexual or power dynamic play. I’m pretty rigid on this rule - I won’t even wear a collar in public if I think it can be identified as such. And I absolutely won’t do any risky sexual public play.

That being said, I think hidden vibes/other hidden toys are a grey area. Use your common sense. If you think you and your partner can enjoy some secret hidden play WITHOUT bothering, implicating, involving or even drawing the attention of non-consenting parties… I think it can be okay.

Things I draw the line at:

Don’t bring play into someone’s work environment. Example: don’t turn your partner’s vibe on when placing an order with a server. Your server might not know exactly what’s going on, but they don’t need your bs while they’re at work.

Stay in adult spaces. I hope this is obvious.

Disruptive noise. Vibes aren’t usually quiet. This is why I usually opt for plugs that my partner can subtly push when grabbing my ass in a secluded moment, etc.

In short, don’t be a dick.

I got myself a labia spreader and it’s driving me crazy…

They’re this nifty little things that, well, spread your labia. Besides the obvious exposing your clit to all kinds of stimulation (especially while wearing denim over it, ugh), the feeling of having labia spread all the time is a thing on it’s own.

I bought one for a couple of bucks and tried it immediately when it got delivered. It’s so mean! I never even thought of what the part that gets inserted might feel like but damn…

It stretched me but left me wide open and empty at the same time. While pressing a sweet spot in me at the same time. It’s just. You’re empty but not. You’re exposed but not feeling anything on the outside. And damn. Moving? Wearing it under clothes? Denim is the best kind of bad.

Mine was like 15.00 or 20.00 I think, and it’s one of my most used toys. I’ve been thinking about getting another in case I break this.

It’s also fun to play with this because if I walk around without any panties my thighs get completely soaked.

In this post I’d like to tell how orgasm denial and edging influenced my sexuality. Before I started to practice edging and denial it wasn’t easy for me to reach an orgasm. I wasn’t anorgasmic, but a lot of things had to click for me to get there. In most cases I was only able to cum if I was in a very comfortable position, in the right mindset and with a lot of stimulation preferably with a vibrator. I was rarely able to achieve an orgasm with my fingers and never had an orgasm from penetration, and wasn’t even able to cum from clitoral stimulation while being penetrated. Somethign inside my pussy was just too much of a distraction for me and I wasn’t able to concentrate on my feelings and get there. Oh, and I was never been able to cum with a partner, only on my own. When I started to practice edging and denial the fact that it was difficult to get there for me turned out to be a huge asset, and not a problem at all. I was able to relax and just enjoy the sensations I was getting without any pressure that I either had to meet my partners  or my own expectation and to cum no matter what. And also I was able to practice it without much fear that I can “fail” it by accidentally going over the edge.

Over months of practicing edging and denial my sexuality evolved in many ways. But the most notable I think is that now I am able to cum or get to the edge much easier and faster than before. These days I was able to cum fnot only rom vibrator or fingers, but also from humping a pillow, from combined penetration and vibrator on my clit. I was able to cum while having sex with a partner. It involved quite a lot of clitoral stimulation, but still. I was also able to cum in many not very comfortable positions (e.g. while kneeling, tiptoeing or being tied up), while receiving some pain (clamps, vacuum pumps, wax etc). All of these wouldn’t be even possible for me before. And even though I haven’t achieved it yet, but I am getting close to being able to cum from penetration alone. 

Can’t get your partner off on the first try? Cool. You can still be thoughtful and make them feel good.

Can get your partner off within 30 seconds? Awesome, good for you both, don’t let it get to your head.

Can make someone cum in less than 5, but for others, it’s a process that takes an hour? That’s alright, everyone’s different. 

Does it take you 30 minutes to cum? That’s okay, you’re not broken, you’re not a failure.

Does it take you 10 seconds to cum? That’s great, you’re not a slut, you’re not overly sensitive or dirty. 

Can’t cum without toys/vibrators? That’s awesome, that’s a valid part of sexual play!

Can only cum with loving, vanilla sex? That’s perfectly normal, and you will find lots of great partners to experience that with!

Can’t orgasm at all? THAT’S ALSO COOL. It’s not a bad thing, you can still enjoy sex TONNES just like others.

No, but it still felt great

Yes, and it felt really great

Yes, but coming isn’t that big a deal for me

No, can you keep going?

Yes, can you keep going?

No, do you want to watch me get myself off?

Yes, but don’t get a big head about it – I come so easily it doesn’t matter what you do.

No, but I bet I can get you up again

Yes, but I’d rather keep edging because I always get a huge drop after coming and it really puts me off sex for a while

No, thank you, orgasm denial leaves me deliciously horny for days

No, and I’m really frustrated, let’s brainstorm how to change that

All of these are fucking awesome answers.  Including the last one.  They’re also 100% legitimate answers.  Including the last one.

Only the last one is even a little bit “negative,” and, really, how bad, arrogant, or egocentric a lover do you have to be that you’d rather not know when your partner says “here are some great ways to help me come next time, lover?”

If on the other hand you’re going to panic or be unhappy about that last answer then you’re not a bad lover (no shame either way) but your sex life will be less workable.  With the result that you’ll continue having, well, the same result.

To be honest, whether you or your partner comes isn’t the most important thing about sex.  It’s whether you’re both satisfied afterwards.  The only trick being that 

You get to decide what “satisfied” means for you

You don’t get to decide what “satisfied” means for your partner(s.)  

Asking “did you come” isn’t really the right question.  “Does this work for you” is way healthier.  That’s the culture we want to look for and encourage.

—

Edging isn’t for you.

Denial isn’t for you.

Pain isn’t for you.

Anal isn’t for you.

Oral isn’t for you.

You’re also not a bad sub if you need to safeword, if your limits are different today, if you have chronic conditions or mental health struggles that limit you more than you’d like.

Glad you found L. That is so rare 💕

Ahhhh, anytime someone tells me that my blog has helped them in their sexual journey, my heart MELTS. That's why I stay on tumblr. 🥺 Compatibility and finding a partner in kink has all the challenges of finding a vanilla partner and then some. Here are some kink specific things I've found to be really helpful when I'm getting to know a new partner...

Communication - but REALLY communicate. Be clear and up front about your kinks, limits, expectations and feelings. It can be really fun to flirt and fantasize when talking to a Dom, but if you want to figure out if they have a potential to be a partner I really recommend having frank discussions. Lay it all out and encourage the Dom to do the same.

And then when you lay out those expectations, HOLD TO THEM. If someone has confirmed a shared interest in training, but when you start playing you see a trend of the person using the dynamic for their physical and immediate benefit only and not following through with the training... discuss. If there's no change, leave. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Never ever lose your voice, boundaries or limits. As a submissive, this is massive. There is absolutely no reason a new prospective Dom should be silencing you, pushing boundaries, or testing limits. How dare. Immediately, no.

Start with trial periods!!!!!!!!! Y'all!!!! You do not need to commit to being a Dominant's sub/slave/little/etc without testing the waters!!! Don't let yourself believe that to be a submissive, you must be "owned" in an absolute fashion! AHHHH. So many "Doms" are doing this lately! Just like in the vanilla world - no one is out here being boyfriend/girlfriend on the first date. Get to know each other, take your time, and enjoy exploring each other. Additionally, work together to craft a dynamic works best for you. Make it unique to who you both are as kinksters.

As a submissive, check in with yourself. Are YOU happy? Is your partner doing things FOR YOU to facilitate that happiness? Or is your happiness created entirely by making your partner happy? Is that sustainable for you? Different subs answer these questions differently and weigh the importance of those answers differently. But when something is new and exciting, some subs find that it's easy to feel swept up in their partner's happiness and not think critically about their own. (Me. I am very guilty of this, and it has allowed quite a few people to take advantage of me.)

Be patient. If finding a partner was easy, we would lose about 95% of fairytales. You're not alone in finding it challenging, but don't settle. The right person will be worth the wait.

This is such a great and important question!! Thank you so much for asking it!

In short, yes! You’re correct - a sleeping person cannot give consent and taking advantage of someone sleeping is assault.

However, consent conversations with regular partners can often apply across a relationship - even long after the initial conversation. The key is clearly communicated boundaries and expectations.

For example, L and I have discussed in clear terms that I would love to be woken up by his cock in my throat, and the feeling of being overpowered while half asleep is incredibly arousing to me. The idea of free use makes me excited af, so I made sure to communicate to L that he has my consent to use me however he pleases, whenever he pleases.

And we regularly return to these conversations. He checks to ensure that I’m still comfortable with our dynamic, asks how I’m feeling mentally/emotionally, and shares how he’s feeling as well.

Another example: I’m not feeling super emotionally stable right now, so L thinks it’s best if I tell him I feel well enough to play prior to EACH INDIVIDUAL playtime. Currently, it isn’t the healthy choice for us to lean into free use because he doesn’t want to accidentally misread my anxiety levels and cause me to drop. He took the time to communicate his thoughts to me, so I didn’t feel disappointment or feelings of being unwanted when he stopped initiating sexual activity.

Also, did anyone burst into ‘My Little Pony’ upon the whole hair swing bit?

No?