Flaminghao

There is one goal I have in mind right now and that is to get close with God. He’s always been the backbone, but sometimes I don’t feel that because I am so distracted with worldly things. I want him in the center. I know that will help me out of the frequent waves of sadness and loneliness I experience.

I just want to document on here because I post my feeling on here a lot when I feel bad. Hopefully, I’ll write it out more in depth in my journal tomorrow morning.

The power of the Holy Trinity is so crazy that some people don’t even believe it to be true because that’s how ridiculous it sounds. I want to experience its love and make it my life style ❤️

I’ll probably still post my feelings on here, but I hope the frequency decreases with this journey and one day I can look back at laugh at how crazy God’s power is.

I’m so afraid to hurt others, or that I’ll end up hurt

So I just stand from a distance and yearn

Could this be a missed opportunity ?

I made sure to guard my heart though because he claims “I haven’t been to church in so long” and “I have to get more serious with my faith now that I am older”.

I applaud him for recognizing that it’s time, but is it because of me? Or would he do it because he truly wants a relationship with God? I’ve been warned by of “unequally yolked relationships”. So I deactivated my account on Instagram for a little bit for one of many reasons. I am afraid to catch feelings for the wrong person esp as a person who just wants to date one person and marry.

I’m so glad that I have a Father that is honest with me though. God revealed to me that I’m not all that either. I lie in my bed 24/7 with no drive to do anything. I claim to want a man deeply rooted in Christ that will help me grow, but I can’t even help myself. I claim I want a man who prays and reads his bible every day, but I go days with opening the word and forget to talk to God throughout the day. I ignore the Holy Spirit. My thoughts easily turn to love stful thoughts. I am a whole contradiction.

Without Jesus, I couldn’t even resemble righteousness. I should give the boy grace and time. We’re not that different. His music choice is vulgar, but up until last year my music choices were vulgar as well.

His eyes and lips are also very pretty. He text very gently.

I pray that while I am away he either learns to unlike me — I’m not very deserving of love or learn dependency on God.

We are in May now and all the sudden I feel like hurting myself. I need to feel something other than a waste of space. I feel like I am not pursuing my purpose or walking in it. I feel far from God. It’s crazy because He is not the one who moved. The switch was just so sudden it’s throwing me off. I’m experiencing feelings of worthlessness and “why would anyone even want to be my friend anyways”. “This person doesn’t deserve to talk to me” — looking out for them. The fire within me has diminished. The feeling for that crush which are not real (complex) are coming back by the force of my thoughts. I am feeling bad about where I am in my career — no longer in the ICU. I can’t even see myself reaching my future aspirations. I feel like I am experiencing prayerlessness. I stay in my bed. Don’t want to read the Bible.

That is exactly where the enemy wants you Mary. You will not stay in such a place. God had already given you the victory.

Pray when you don’t want to pray.

- I feel unworthy of love

- I’m afraid of a lot, so I keep hidden

- Even w the small things God trust me with, I don’t utilize them to full ability bc of embarrassment which leads to him giving to opportunity to others

Then I get sad about not having a group of Godly friends to talk freely to. I already have great friends, but I want friends who 100% believe in the word of God and can offer advice. I feel like I am missing out. On top of that, Valentine’s Day just passed and I’m convinced I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. It’s just cycles of wanting to hurt myself.

Something I never want to feel again although it happens often

That’s why I avoid many out-goings because I’d rather be by myself than feel lost with a crowd, but at the same time I always wonder if I missed out on an opportunity.

- I can’t commit to anything

- don’t know how to do anything

- a shy mf

- lazy

- no desire to do anything

- all I do is sleep and eat

Here I am again telling Tumblr my feelings first instead of telling God. I’m sorry