“Saturday won’t work for me. My son’s baseball team is having a bake sale.”

The entire room goes silent, because no one realized Batman even had a kid. Or went out in the daylight.

“What?” one of the others asks, still shocked.

“A bake sale,” Batman says slowly, like they’re all a little stupid. “It’s a fundraiser.”

“I know what a bake sale is! But since when do you have a kid?”

“Have you not met Robin?” he asks, sounding genuinely surprised. “He’s been to the Watchtower several times now.”

“Robin’s your kid?” gets asked first, followed closely by someone else asking, “Robin is real?”

“Can’t you just drop him off?” Superman asks, trying to calm the situation.

“Well I’m also the coach, so that probably wouldn’t be setting a very good example for the kids, Superman.”

“You’re the coach?” Someone asks.

“Yes.”

“Of a little league team?”

“Yes.”

“Are we in the Twilight Zone?” Hal whispers to Barry, who shushes him.

“Will Sunday work?” Superman asks quickly, wanting this to get resolved.

“So long as it’s over with by 4pm.”

“Why?”

“I told Robin I’d take him to the Gotham Knights game.”

Everyone’s heads are spinning. Batman is actually acting like a normal guy with a normal kid. This is not at all what they imagined he was like outside of the cowl. Some of them didn’t think he ever actually took the cowl off at all.

The future looks bleak, Danny

FANFIC FANART mercy by dracomega. Baby Peter and dad Jason

https://archiveofourown.org/works/66172852?view_full_work=true

Green Arrow: I'm Green Arrow, Mr Wayne. Now, these guys are going to get you to the hospital. You just hang in there, OK?

Green Lantern: Before you go Mr Wayne, what can you tell us anything you know about-?

Bruce: Clark Kent and Superman are having an affair.

Hal:

Oliver:

I am gonna finally feed u guys tho lol

Waisan Robert my beloved, I have no idea where the hc began but I do know that it would be hilarious on a drunk karaoke night with the z-team.

Shisui, fully aware he’s spilling Clan secrets but too tired to care: yeah there’s this thing called the Mangekyo. It’s the final form of the Sharingan, awoken only by extreme trauma. It’s very, very rare, and more powerful than you can imagine. If my clan were even to find out I told you, I don’t know how severe the repercussions would be

Kakashi, his ANBU captain: you . . . both have this?

Itachi: only Shisui.

Kakashi: can I see it?

Shisui: *lets his Mangekyo show for a moment*

Kakashi:

Kakashi: so that isn’t just like. A thing the sharingan does. Natural step on the life cycle

Shisui: *eyes narrowing* . . . no. Captain, have you seen a Mangekyo before?

Kakashi: *under his breath* in the mirror once. I thought it was a hallucination

Shisui:

Itachi:

Shisui: i wish i could tell the clan that the guy they shunned and refused to teach their ways accidentally outperformed all of them and then saw the result and thought it was a fucking hallucination

Itachi, mildly worried: the Mangekyo causes blindness. Have you been experiencing any of that?

Kakashi: *shrugs* I’ve been eating more carrots in case that was the issue

Itachi:

*Alfred bringing tea and a plate of biscuits down to the cave during a monthly mandatory strategy meeting, with Bruce stood at the head of a table all the kids are seated around*

Duke: i shouldn't even have to be here, i'm the only one on dayshift.

Jason: uh- i reject that; i'm doin' shit during the day too, y'know.

Duke, without missing a beat: that's because you're unemployed and have no civilian friends, there's a fucking difference Jason.

Dick: *covers his mouth, snickering*

Bruce: now, boys-

Jason: i will jump over this table, brightshit. try me.

Duke: *flips Jason off*

Jason, starting to get up: oh you want it-?

Alfred, pointedly putting the tray of snacks down in between them, giving them both warning glares: i trust that the meeting is going well?

*a beat*

Jason, sitting back down: dammit,

Bruce: *sigh* thank you, Alfred. now if we could just get back to-

Duke: i still don't want to be here.

Bruce: oh for- we've been over this, Duke. everybody has to attend these meetings.

Damian: just because you say something is mandatory doesn't mean it's actually necessary. it's subjective.

Bruce: it's not subjective, it's fact. if we don't take time to co-ordinate ourselves then we're more liable to miscommunicate and get ourselves, or others, hurt. it's important that we take this time to go over protocols and codes, as well as alert everybody of upcoming missions. it's not like you have anything better to do tonight, Damian.

Damian: what the hell,

Dick: oooh~

Damian: how dare you; i have plenty of ways to spend my evening, thank you very much-

Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: i didn't mean it that way, chum, can we just-

Damian: for starters, Drake and I have a new Lego set to construct, which you are selfishly taking time away from!

Steph, squinting across at Tim: sorry, you two build Lego sets together?

Tim: *defensive* what, mad that he doesn't play with you?

Steph, turning to Damian incredulously: well fucking yes?? dude- i ask you to hang out all the time. how come you'll play with Tim but not me!?

Damian, easily: because your version of hanging out is just dragging me all over Gotham while we stalk your English professor. i don't give a fuck which of the PA's he's hooking up with, Brown. i just want to build Lego.

Alfred: *watches with narrowed eyes as Cass slowly leans forward and drags the entire plate of biscuits towards herself*

Bruce: Damian, language.

Damian: me?!

Dick: fuck yeah, bring down the hammer, B.

Bruce, exhausted: can we all just-

Damian, planting his hands on the table: NO, WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MAD WHEN THEY SWEAR?

Bruce: Damian- sit back down,

Jason, casually putting his feet on the table: it's 'cause you do it wrong, Dames. the curse word has to fall off the tongue comfortably, so that nobody even realises it shouldn't be in the sentence. *tipping his head up to show his mouth* you gotta- like this, roll your tongue slightly, just let it fall off, see: cunt.

Damian, copying: cunt.

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt.

Bruce, staring between the two in defeat: *makes eye contact with Alfred pleadingly*

Alfred: *shrugs*

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt, like that?

Jason: yeah, but in a sentence.

Damian: Dick Grayson is a cunt. like that?

Jason: yeah you got it.

Dick: WOAH WOAH- why am i catching strays? the fuck did i do?

Tim, flatly: if you hadn't fucked up the protocol code names three months ago, we wouldn't have to do these meetings.

Duke, pointing at Tim in agreement: that's true.

Dick: I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, JACKASSES, STEPH DID IT TOO!

Steph: at least i was concussed. you're just an idiot.

Dick: *visibly offended* i'll have you know-

Bruce, snapping: ok that is IT. all of you sit back down, we are going over the current standing protocols and that is FINAL. none of you are leaving until i dismiss you, and if you don't comply then you will be benched for the foreseeable future, understood?

*silence*

*the kids awkwardly exchanging glances as they settle back down into their chairs*

Bruce, sighing in relief: finally. now, can we all-

Jason: *sticks his hand up in the air*

Bruce:

Bruce: *wary* what is it about, Jason?

Jason, innocently: i have a question about the protocols.

Bruce: ...go on then.

Jason: what's the protocol for when you let a call from your overbearing father go to voicemail because you're busy getting it on with Roy Harper mid-patrol, and then said overbearing father just hacks into your private com line mid-fuck anyway, completely ignoring your boundaries and throwing off the mood, all because he wanted to ask whether or not you'd prefer fish or chicken for the family barbeque that weekend?

*complete and utter silence*

Alfred: *stares in disappointment at a rapidly reddening Bruce*

Duke, grinning wildly as he looks between Bruce and Jason: has that ever happened?

Jason, flatly: three times.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Cass: *loudly crunches on biscuits*

Bruce: ok Jason you can go,

Jason, already leaping out his chair: SEE YOU SUCKERS-

Steph: WOAH- HOLD ON, HOLD ON-

Dick: THAT'S SO UNFAIR,

Duke: JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SLUT HE GETS TO AVOID THE MEETINGS?!

Bruce: -STOP SHOUTING AT ME-

Damian: so what i'm hearing is that to get out of these ridiculous things, i just have to tell Jon he's allowed to hit?

*silence*

Bruce, to Damian: ...ok you're grounded,

Tim: Steph, i know we broke up years ago and you're technically my sister now but i feel like this is for the greater good-

Steph: you and i have the same mind, Timmy-boy.

I'd like to request something with "touch" with Hiccup - maybe something with creepy Viggo, or just whatever you want to do! ☺️

Hmm I did do Touch with Hiccup and Dagur a while back, but DAMN I can't resist a creepy Viggo!!! Tw for noncon touching! (Also can you tell I love the drama potential in this episode)