Some Words is Need Time to Say

Imagine you seeing your bride down the aisle, you feel incredible because you about to married the girl you're dreaming of. She finally here, looking gorgeous, and your vow:

Dear you,

In the first time we met, you said you were hard to believe in soulmate, neither do I. Ironically, you're the one who make me believe in soulmate. You complete my words You complete my time You complete every pieces of me I wish you can see with my eye. Seeing every gorgeous move you made, is the reason I came home. Seeing how passionate you're in life, is the reason I keep my self to be alive. And by the way everyone seeing you, is the reason I proud to call you mine. Now, I have the rest of my life to make you see soulmate in me, because you're the one who make me believe in soulmate. I love you, soulmate..

-Your Groom-

Nothing made me excited, jumping like a little kid, or dancing in the mirror anymore. Everything was just flat.

Then you came. Like an earthquake.

You brought a rhythm and shattered my flat world with your damn flirty hammer.

Now, it has something I’ve never felt before. Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s bright. Like a rainbow bridge, and I’m a kid who believes the end of it is a playground.

But it wasn’t. It’s not even an end.

The rainbow turned into a grayish cloud. Everything now is just a blur.

I can’t even see my safe, flat world anymore.

You took it. You changed the city I built.

You came like a rainbow tornado, made it feel like you were going to stay. But you didn’t. You disappeared without giving me any direction of where this was going.

I hate you.

I hate how you turned my world upside down. Took it like it was yours. It’s mine. But I don’t recognize it anymore.

I’m lost in my own world.

I lost the war you brought.

And now, I’m just waiting to surrender.

Dari semua keikhlasan yang aku rasa bisa, tidak akan pernah cukup untuk menjangkau mu.

Aku pikir aku kuat dan setidak peduli itu.

Tapi hadirmu meruntuhkan tembokku yang ku bangun bata per bata.

Ternyata aku gak kuat, ternyata aku lemah.

Bukan, aku bukan mati rasa kala itu.

Aku mati suri, dan kamu yang membangkitkan.

Sekarang, hati ini hidup kembali tapi hilang arah.

Dihidupkan oleh seseorang yang menghilang.

Buat apa kamu lakukan itu?

Lagi-lagi, aku kalah lagi.

I'm a restaurant owner who everybody loves to come to. They eat, they chit-chat, they're having a good time with me. There were tables full of my friends, colleagues, colleagues who became best friends, family, and even myself but in different versions. They all look so happy. Some new people come, some old people leave, sometimes they come and go. But it doesn't matter because the restaurant is still full, alive, and people are happy.

Each table calls me to have a chit-chat with them. We shared laughs, cries, secrets, and they invited me to come to their restaurant. It's me dancing from one table to another. They're calling my name. I was so full of happiness. Even the table with other versions of myself mesmerizes me. They look fat haha, but they look happy and alive, with so much passion in their eyes.

That restaurant might be full of smiles, but they blind me. I don't realize that while I'm dancing here and there, behind my back, the visitors at each table are leaving the restaurant. Without me realizing it, they are gone. Alone, or someone has picked them up. For a while, I don't care. Whispering to myself, "hey, it's okay. People change. You still got a table with your people."

And one day, the restaurant has never been so quiet. I see the door sign—it says "OPEN," but no one comes. I look inside. There are only a few people left, tidying up their things, about to leave the restaurant. Even the people I once gave the best table with the best view. I’m begging them to stay. But the people who pick them up are stronger than me. Maybe they have a nicer restaurant, I think to myself.

Not long after, the restaurant is empty. Oh wait—the other version of me is still in the corner. I come to them, but they slowly disappear. But I don't care. I just watch them go. The "DOMMM" sound shocks me. It's part of the ceiling in my restaurant, which suddenly turns into an abandoned restaurant.

The tables are overturned, the decorations broken. No more light days, no more dancing from table to table, no more people calling my name to share stories, sadness, and secrets. Of course, the lamps are turning off.

I try to see outside from the window, screaming to invite people to come to my restaurant. But no one comes. It's just me, and the small TV that’s still on, trying to distract me from my sadness.

Yet, it's not a distraction.

On the screen, I can see my people, getting their lives moving forward. One gets married, one has kids, one gets engaged, one gets a promotion, one gets a new house—they all look so happy. I walk backward to the table that still hasn’t broken yet. Getting comfy in the corner.

I freeze everything in me.

Freeze my dream, leaving reality.

Freeze my heart, so nobody breaks it.

Cause after you, all i did is freeze.

Freeze… freeze….

You pointing your gun at me.

Screaming freeze, hand in the air.

You know I’m innocent.

But you handcuffed me, like im the bad guy here.

In this busy busy world,

no one knows our string was once intertwined.

Both of us freeze within our own cycle of time.

You made me believe i was the one.

But no one knows, no one sees.

No body will believe what you did to me.

It's caused an invisible wound with unseen blood.

Why did you freeze me in your abandon igloo?

Why I don’t deserve the penthouse of your heart?

Too hard too understand, so I scratch a thousand ‘why’ in the wall.

With my cloaked scar from your torment,

I tried to rising, again and again.

But I freeze.

The dark night came as usual, but this night turned into memories.

On the other side, I see myself making a wish.

Not just for me, but for you and the kids.

And as I close my eyes, you stare at me.

Whispering, "This is the fairytale if you choose me.

Not running away cowardly,

craving for the pain, leaving the peace.”

Then, I fall down, so low, hitting rock bottom, head first.

It hurts so much, but that's the hurt I'm chasing.

You wave and start to find the fairytale with rainbow and sunshine.

while I continue to sail, chasing overrated dream of mine.

And as we get closer to our fate,

Peaceful. Blanket on.

You, double-crossing. Split second.

Suddenly, May 7th is back on.

Then, here I’m in the crowded room.

Full with strangers yet familiar.

Used to be close yet separated.

And of course. There you are.

You: Walking. Smiling. Approaching. Holding someone you're marrying.

Not knowing I’ve been hurting. And overthinking.

Me: Cursing. Sweating. Preparing.

"What the fuck"

"crap. crap. crap."

...I never prepare for a moment like this.

Then you shake my hand.

Time freezes. People laugh in slow motion.

All I think: How do you sleep, not knowing all the sad songs are about you?

What comes out: Hi! How are you?

All I think: Is she doing well? She’s not even smiling at me.

What comes out: you two are a good couple.

“Your hair still hasn’t changed”

"Your eyes still get smaller when you laugh"

"You still have that awkward gesture"

"I still save our date videos"

"I still have this butterfly around you"

And all the other “still” I cannot say.

Aug 27th. 01.45 AM. Back to my disturbed serenity.

After all these years,

I still feel the same when you’re near.

And it's just a quick “hello”

But I still can't let this go.

Intro

Life is a journey they said.

But mine is in pause mode.

One by one my friends is

getting engage, getting married, getting kids, and I getting copy — to quote rachel green and also i’m a copywriter.

Not so much going on except I drown in work. Which wasn’t even kind enough to give me promotions. After all i’ve done. For 3 years.

Crush❌

Boyfriend❌

Situantionship❌

Reff

This small city. It’s not even called a city.

I’m still live here, at my parent’s.

Still having max. night time.

Still arguing at the same shit. Since i was kid.

Ironic, how they are expect me to be an adult when they treat me like a dumb kid.

“What a sad sight” me seeing myself.

Bridge

It’s been 3 years pass 23.

While i still being a rock that stuck in high school.

Deadline, planning, goal, settle is not the words i know.

Unicorn, dragon, prince, castle, is more the words i speak about.

Even my dream is a flashback.

Where i live my life.

When i putted it in play mode. And i was playing an active role in it.

And you.

Where are you now?

Is everything turn to be what you wanted?

Are your wife good?

Did she cooks your favorite dimsum?

Did your mom give her the recipe?

I’m sure you’re a good dad.

You practice a lot of dad’s jokes with me.

They will be cringe but i knew you used to it.

I’m okay just being your stepping stone.

Your life coach or love practice. Everybody does it to me anyway.

I’m glad you’re happy now.

Even happier.

You thought me colors i cant see with anyone else.

So, i stuck here.

Stuck in movie scene that theres no exist anymore.

Where the players is gone. Or being replace with anyone.

But me? I’m right where you left me, guys…

This is how I love Taylor Swift.

Ready to take a risk and win the war

But you are a Sirius and I’m a Lerna

Hiding in the dark, admiring you from the Hydra

So I pray to the moon

Wish you notice my spectrum

Then walk around the constellation

Just a second ago, he told me (again) he’s not proud of me.

Just a second ago, he told me im the one who put stress in his head.

Just a second ago, my mom added the only progress i made is my fat body. Not money.

Still hoping everything gets better

As we get older

Me and you are getting further

I'm still at that corner

I'm still at that spot

Watching all of you grow up

Understand why we don't work out

Cause all I do is afraid and scared

So, I'm still at that spot

Me, Sunday. August 7th, 2022. 15.51 WITA.

You, Sunday. August 7th 2022. 14.51 WIB.

Me, alone at beach. Cigarettes. Beer.

"You are invited to our wedding…"

Sunday. 10 am. Text message.

"You are happy. What a jerk." I whispered. Ha! I don't need to feel miserable because of him. Little did I know that this day would definitely come. 

Sunday. 11 am. Your Pre-wedding Photos.

"Ugly shirt. Tacky color" me when I got the nerve to open your invitation.

Critic Judging. Hating. Me when I encourage myself.

Sunday. 1.30 pm. Replying. 

"For all these years, every time I get a notification from you, there are two feelings; 1. Fear 2. Excited. Gladly, your text always brings excitement. But, different for today. Today, my fear came true. You don't end with me. With all scenarios in my head, I never know what it feels like when you fight for our relationship. Maybe that's why our story never really began yet really ended."

Delete. Delete. Delete. 

"Hope everything is going well until your big day:)"

Send.

Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday-Friday-Saturday

Distracting myself, Our old song is playing. Distracting myself, I pass our favorite places. Distracting myself, I order your favorite meals. Distracting myself, I failed.

Sunday. 1 am. Your Big Day. 

"Only 7 hours to go." I count.