One of the saddest things in the world is to feel broken, and although you have somehow been figuratively ripped apart, you feel like can never be put back together again. There are days when I ask myself, what are you staying here for? Most times I don’t even have an answer. Sometimes I just don’t want to be here anymore, and those are toughest thoughts to deal with. But the days that I truly cherish are the ones where I am so overwhelmed with happiness that it feels like I can beat this depression. That happiness comes from friends and the jokes we share with one another, it comes from family members and their unconditional love for me. I love when friends and family are able to penetrate the barrier of lies and insecurities that depression creates, allowing me to feel love. Those are the days that make life worth living, and those are the days that keep me fighting. The extremes of depression are the worst. One minute you could be on cloud nine and in the next you can feel like you have hit rock bottom.Â
I have never been clinically diagnosed with depression, but depression is one of those things that you don’t need someone to tell you, you have it to feel its wrath. For me, it comes and goes in waves, depending on triggering moments. The toughest part about struggling with something so consuming and life-altering is in turn, knowing you’re sometimes helpless and unable to make the pain other people feel any better.Â
So often, people who suffer from depression and other mental illnesses are under the impression that their sickness are their burdens to carry, that it is somehow their problem and their problem alone. Not to mention that the stigmas our society has around anything that deviates from our standard expectations of mental health make depression even harder to talk about and grapple with. But if you suffer from depression, it is not your fault. It is not your fault. There are times when my depression has made me feel like I am not doing anything right in my life. That’s a tough thought to fight against, because it feeds itself: Once you are convinced that you have worthless, you stop doing anything worthwhile. And suddenly you have become the person you already thought you were, someone who naps for hours just to make the days go by faster, and who looks for any excuses to avoid getting up or even turning on the light. But you’re not worthless, even if your depression is keeping you from from being an active member of society. When I got help and began to start feeling like a human again, I was able to reflect honestly on my achievements and the paths I have taken. And one of things I am proudest of, which is something I cling to when the depressive tendencies creep back, is that I have always been open about my struggles. I know how much it helps me to be reminded that I am not alone. If I can do the same for others, I know I am doing something right. Â
