It's funny that the online tropical plant community - a community that basically only came into existence during Covid - has already splintered into several microcommunities with distinctly different characteristics. Let me stereotype them for you:
Monstera People: The Monstera deliciosa is the archetypical pandemic houseplant, so you think these guys would be the chillest. Incorrect. Monstera people love nothing more than to scour the garden centers of the world for the most tortured, fucked up, barely-viable Monstera they can imagine. This one has no chlorophyll and looks like it went through a blender? Perfection. They literally call themselves 'sport hunters'. Approach with extreme caution.
Philodendron People: Gatcha Enthusiast behaviour. Gotta catch 'em all. Aa philodendron person will spend hours explaining the minute differences between two plants that look basically the same, and they will expect you to listen. One of those plants cost 400 dollars. They will expect you to understand. Also come in the Moss Pole Guy varient, which is basically just pokemon training in real life.
Anthurium People: Eugenicists. Anthuriums hybridize quite easily, unlike everything else on this list, so it's possible for people to cook up their own unique variety in their own home if they're so inclined. This is the sort of power with which most people should not be trusted. They'll be measuring sinus curvature with callipers any day now.
Hoya People: Control Freaks. Hoyas can look nice, but on some level they are plants for people who don't like plants. Every Leaf is Sacred. Nothing must ever change. This one grew two inches last year and it's throwing off the whole display. You wonder if they wouldn't secretly be happier with artificial plants.
Alocasia People: These are the grindset side-hustle guys. They just won't stop talking about how it makes total sense to spend 500 bucks on a two-leaf plant that will probably survive, you know, if you keep it in a hermetically sealed box and pH balance your water enough and never look at it, because once you get it to start making corms you can sell them for a steady stream of passive income that definitely isn't undermined by the fact that the only people who will buy those corms from you are also just doing it to eventually sell corms.
Syngonium People: Stoners. It's the only explanation for those varietal names.
Epipremnum/Pothos People: This is my plant :) He's green :)
#what about the orchid people#(hi it's me i am an orchid people)#also op is 100% correct (tags via @madis-hartte)
Orchid People: Orchid people are easily identified by their instinctive flinch reaction to ice cube trays
Oh, also: you don't get to choose which of these you are. There will come a day when a plant will simply find you and you will be forever changed by it. My plant obsession began with a half-dead syngonium and jade plant I found in my apartment building's back staircase. Now I lie awake thinking about how I can get my hands on a variegated Philodendron billietiae all night
#can we come up with a funny bespoke stereotype for me#we have so many marantaceae around#i was told they'd be difficult#they're fine and they won't die#even the ones i don't like (tags via @robustcornhusk)
Maranta People: As far as I can tell, there are exactly two kinds of maranta people. The first kind are actually mostly cat/dog people who decided that it might be nice to have some plants as well and picked out the humble maranta as the coolest/most interesting plant that won't poison even the worst-behaved of house animals. The other type are people who live with the first group and are desperately resentful of the aforementioned worst-behaved house animals for not letting them get other plants.
Carnivorous Plant People: This community predated the 2020 boom of online plant content and it's more than a little salty about it. Unlike their water, which is being filtered through at least two phases of reverse osmosis and one of distillation before it's even in the same room as their beloved collection. No, you can't touch them. As much curators of beautiful antique websites as they are of plants.
Calathea People: Masochists who get everyone else involved in their kink. It's harsh, but it's the truth.
@cassolotl !
Ah, thank you Verity! I am the "succulents that look like tasty sweeties [US: candies]" variety. In the past I have been in a deep relationship with aloe vera, and currently I've got one I don't know the name of but it looks so edible when I remember to water it, guys, so edible.
I now duly pass on to @averixus, who is way deeper into this than me, and they do Tradescantia: doesn't understand why anyone bothers to grow anything else because trads are so super easy, low maintenance and drought-tolerant due to being succulents, and they look amazing! but also always exhausted due to having to pull up, snip the good bits off and poke back into the soil every three days, and also water them all the time
