♱

sometimes i genuinely worry that my 'rough hand' or shitty life circumstances + bad luck is going to either make people not want to be close to me, or that i'm going to get so worn down i simply can't get close to people (already self isolate, but the issue is i feel like theres kinda reason to?) spoke to a friend tonight & relayed something that happened within the family. even though her response was probably coming from a supportive place, it just made me feel more isolated. i've only recently started letting her in more + theres more frequency in our interactions (which is 'good' but kinda also scares me a bit) but shes so shocked & confused by things that happen/how things are in my family that 1. it kinda makes me feel further isolated and ~weird~ but theres also a part of me that worries, will people think this is a reflection of me? theres just a lot of vulnerability in exposing how you've been treated by people, esp the ones who are meant to be safe or loving. makes u feel like somethings wrong with you (and u worry about others thinking that) or again, once your vulnerability is more exposed, worrying about how people could treat you as a result. its all so icky. lugging around all this trauma, but then it extends into everything else, its so exhausting. i want to be able to share things, be 'seen' or known, but it also puts you in such a vulnerable position, because if someone sees you in a certain light, what could that lend itself to? its like i can't experience real connection without uncovering snippets of things that have happened or are part of my life, without revealing this image of myself that i'd never want people to see (coz i'm ashamed) and hurt, and do feel a bit broken. doesn't help its sort of an ongoing thing