Mens Sana In Corpore Sano

I am weighed down by anxiety/overwhelm this quarter. And carrying everything isn’t working. I feel like I need to let go, even if it’s “to my detriment”: holding on keeps me in detriment too; I’m seriously stuck.

I need to romanticize and pursue and put on blinders for myself. Like a thoroughbred. (Blinders if racehorse, no blinders if showjumper). I have compared myself to one before. Top tier when trained/(self-)managed appropriately, but very excitable, sensitive. The weakness part of the edge. Distractible since danger needs to be perceived. The fire of a prey animal. The chaos and tension that is survival.

I become hyperattuned to others then start drowning. Sway off-kilter. Stop playing my game, crash another’s, by definition underskilled for it; in time flailing, failing, faltering; unable to reason and twisting to believe it is the failure that is my true essence. The arena, the rules, the motives themselves are not evaluated. It’s blind following and loss of balance. You see where it goes wrong.