Spaghetti Pocket Divider

I would take a job pushing the Sisyphus rock if it paid 20 an hour and I could wear my headphones

so true beastie *we are laying in a field of dandelions and i am petting your massive snout* *you are 30 feet long and i love you*

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

every 4th of july I think about the american tourist who was like oh thank god you’re open I wasn’t sure if you’d be open today and I was like why wouldn’t we be and he said because of the holiday. in norway.

they love me because I be saying shit like alas and perchance

last night I said 'how fortuitous' unironically

do you want to play dead bodies with me

floats along your dash face down and quiet and cold

I have a bisexual guppy and its funny as hell to watch because it seems like he’s only bi out of desperation. Like all of the female guppies are unimpressed by him, and dont accept his mating displays, and every time he fails, he goes over to a SPECIFIC male guppy (the prettiest male guppy in the tank) like PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE and that male guppy always lets him????

i would read that fanfic ngl

About my fish??

FUJOSHI FISH????

When I was training to be a paramedic, we had one student ask the instructor what to do in the event of a marijuana overdose. The instructor said "Tell him to take two twinkies and call you in the morning."