Worm Food

if you set off a rube goldberg type death trap to kill someone, if it's a long enough machine, it ceases to become your fault if somebody dies at the end. that's how I've gotten away with it all these years, and why I'm still going to heaven.

humans should be able to do a special Ultra Sleep after major life accomplishments where you're just out for like 32 hours or something and then you wake up fully refreshed in every way

YOU SHAVED THEM?!?

This made me smile. Maybe you need a smile today too.

"it's just stress" oh thank god, it's just the silent killer that slowly kills you, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

you literally have to unironically listen to some shit like party rock anthem so you don’t kill yourself

you have IBS.

''i wasted those years'' who cares. you lived the only life you could've lived in those moments

You did the best you could with all you had and knew. That was then. Here is now

it pains me to say it but the more people talk shit about the women who wear those shorts/leggings with the weird butt seam that looks like it gives you a terminal wedgie, the more compelled I feel to take the women’s side

ohhhhhh my godddddddd you saw someone wearing really tight revealing pants in public? should we throw a party? should we invite goody proctor

and while we’re at it, I’m done worrying about cameltoe. I don’t have time to be pulling and tugging at my clothes all day. if you can see the outline of my pussy you should say thank you and go about your business

not everything is getting worse. at least you don't hear high hopes by panic at the disco every day anymore