@stemmmm #asking himself how and why he got out of it alive and having to push everything down as hard as he can#because the screaming answer of 'bill loves you' is just unbearable and so impossible#also great for his ego to point to 'im the specialest boy who ever lived and thats the only reason bill ever wanted me'#i love me a post canon ford who is through whatever circumstances forced to contend with the undeniable:#'bill was crazy insane in love with you the whole time have fun dealing with that'
AAA YES YES ugh ford seeing all the wanted posters bill's put up for him, all of them saying wanted alive alive alive alive and he has no other choice but to tell himself it's because bill wants to torture him again, because the pain he gets in his gut thinking about going home to bill, thinking about bill waiting up for him, thinking about bill worried about him is too much. he doesn't have the emotion regulation skills or self-insight to navigate it
because he can't imagine bill would love him for anything other than his mind, and he has nothing to offer bill in this world. he can't build him the portal and bill is at full power, he doesn't need weapons. he can't conceptualize a world where bill loves him for his creativity, his humor, his inventiveness, his passion, his mean streak, his child-like wonder. because ford doesn't see any good qualities in himself, and bill only ever complimented him on his intelligence. ford can't imagine bill did that because he knew it would be the only compliment ford would accept without resistance, would actually believe
i love a portal ford who is still telepathic with bill. bill begging and pleading and screaming and threatening and warning him to not leave, do not leave the asteroid belt, do not leave the nightmare realm, but of course ford does and bill is helpless to stop him. over time bill giving ford more and more space because trying to control stanford pines only serves to drive him further away. bill switching tactics, only chiming in from time to time, giving him tips and advice and little nudges, things ford does not want to ask for but desperately needs. bill keeping eyes on his location to gauge if he has influence or sway in this region, how close are his nearest bounty hunters, any goons on-planet? but more often than not ford is dark, radio silent except the worm in his head. and it's only on the worst nights, when ford is cold and tired and hungry and knows he can't go to sleep or he won't wake up that bill whispers in his ear to come home, he misses him, please fordsy it hurts to see you like this
ford sewing metal into the hood of his coat because it sounds so wonderful, it sounds so perfect, bill sounds truly remorseful and has done so much to help him and protect him and he wants him alive and its hurts. it hurts too bad to think about bill still loving him, thinking about them having a life and a home and a future together.
because bill is evil, bill cannot be trusted, and ford will not be complicit in the conquering of reality.