EAT THE CHILD.

Because of all the hospital stays, I missed out on important phone calls and lost my benefits. I have bills to pay and I won’t be able to next month. I hate to ask this but is it alright if anyone donates to help me out? Even if you can’t, may you please reblog this? I’m sorry.

My cashapp is $superevilgenius

My PayPal is [email protected]/@kalmasis

I’m really sorry to even make this post. I’m just shaky and scared. They are going REALLY slow at reconsideration too. Ughhhh, but thank you to anyone that helps me.

Next day I asked my mom permission to sleep in the guest room (her former room and also where my sis’ and her husband stay the rare times they’re able to visit). I explained that I really don’t want to sleep on the floor again because I can’t get back up. She said yes.

Stupid me should have realized she and my dad had been drinking a lot.

So I sat in the living room. My mom came over to sit nearby. (????) I said “aww! [sis’s name] sent me a cane!” I guess that pissed off my mom for some reason and she began screeching at me to leave my sis’ alone and other crap. What the fuck. Just what the fuck. Maybe she was jealous or something? I don’t know what that was about.

I had enough and after she left I slowly went over to the guest room to watch a bit of TV before sleeping on the couch/bed thing.

Next thing I knew, I was half asleep and felt myself being rolled over onto a blanket and dragged out to the living room floor and dumped there like trash.

Uhhhhhhhhh????????

I woke up and was again unable to get back up. I dragged myself back to the guest room only to discover that my parents locked the guest room. I dragged myself to my room to get a key and dragged myself back to unlock the door and drag myself in. I couldn’t get up onto the couch bed and slept on the floor.

In the morning I woke up to my dad bellowing “MIDA! MIDA! SHE’S SPRAWLED OUT ON THE FLOOR!” (MIDA however it’s spelled is Spanish for “LOOK!” at least in this region.) unfortunately a heavy pillow fell on my head and I couldn’t push it off. I asked if it could be taken off. Surprisingly my dad took it off the shoved his hand at my face doing the angry GIMMIE shit. “GIVE ME YOUR MEDS!!” He bellowed. Uhhhhh no. I need them. Fucking asshole. I lied I didn’t take my meds. He then assumed I was drunk. Uhhhh I don’t mix booze with meds.

Anyways so I struggled to drag myself out the room because my legs were useless. My bladder being ruptured and this bag attached to me made me so weak. I couldn’t even crawl. Yet my mom was SCREECHING “KAT GIT THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!!!!” Repeatedly. Like over and over and I was “I’m trying! Sorry!!”

They were in my room bitching and other shit and talking shit about me. It was HELL. I asked “um, could someone please bring the wheelchair over, please?”

My dad bellowed “NO, GET TO IT YOURSELF!!!!” and “YOU ENTERED YOUR MOM’S ROOM, YOU CAN GET IT YOURSELF!!!!” My mom was “I’M NOT GOING TO HELP!” and “YOU NEVER APPRECIATE ME!!!!” all fucking day.

This hell went on for the whole fucking entire day with my parents berating me viciously. I kept trying so hard to stand up but just couldn’t. They were so fucked up to me after everything I have done for them. I was just weak from the hospital stay and bladder hell.

It is THEM that don’t appreciate me.

So yeah, ended up scraping my knees as I dragged myself around desperate to get up from the floor and it hurt like hell. My parents were dicks and said “WHY DONT YOU CALL THE PARAMEDICS?” Uhhhh I can’t afford that right now. My insurance was milked for the month and I didn’t want to go back to that hellhole where I was manipulated and abused (still need to share that story. WHY IS MOST EVERYONE IN SOUTH TEXAS SO FUCKED UP AND SIMILAR TO MY PARENTS?! JESUS CHRIST!!)

I wanted to get back to my chair bed thing that’s meant for elderly and disabled people. I dragged myself over in the HOPE it might be a way to get up from the floor.

Then my dad caught me and bellowed and I mean BELLOWED WITH RAGE “MOOOOVE!!!!” It brought back horrible flashbacks when he did that to Tomtom when he also was dragging his legs around and was very slow.

Oh my fuck. Tomtom and I are the same. I miss him. September 23 is the anniversary of when he passed and I hate that I can’t afford a rose to put on his grave. No one ever takes me out anymore and Walmart delivery has a $35 limit for free shipping.

Anyways back to the shit story. So I dragged myself out of the way. My dad kept bellowing and bellowing at me. Dragging myself out the way was a fucking struggle. My arms were also weak. God, my parents fucking lack empathy and I guess they forgot that bladder shit makes one weak.

So yeah, my knees were bloody. Great. It hurt even more trying to stand up. Then what the fuck. He thought I already got up from the floor.

Then he bellowed at me that I was apparently mean to my mom and shot both the fingers at her and showed her my vagina. Uhhhh???? WHAT? That is a fucking lie.

She fucking makes up all this bullshit to get my dad pissed at me because he’s like a bulldog. She always does this shit of making up shit about me to get everyone angry at me. In her stories, she is always the hero or victim. She knows no humility. Her sin is clearly Pride. What a fucking bitch. That angered me so much.

I managed to finally sit on top of a small bin, but still unable to stand up. I tried to crawl onto a chair but just tipped and fell. My mom laughed at me as I tipped. Uh, thanks asshole. (Tipped, as in I crawled onto and just ended up with my head on the chair, my legs in the air, then I fell off.)

I had ENOUGH. I decided that if they are going to treat me like a filthy animal and garbage, then I will play with their emotions back. I hate doing that but god, the entire day was fucking hell and I was so hungry and just needed help to stand up again.

So I lied that my sis’ had her baby already.

My parents immediately got upset that she didn’t tell them. The atmosphere changed. They finally stopped being a shit to me and were upset and angry over not being told about the birth. I took gratification over their sadness after all the hellish shit they did to me that day. All the lies. All the abuse.

So they went to their room. I dragged myself back to my room once again in the hopes my chair bed thing would help me back to my feet. I struggled to climb on it.

Thankfully my dad was drunk because of how upset he was (GOOD) and for one last time I asked for help onto the chair.

Surprisingly he actually helped me onto it. I was able to sit upright and was able to FINALLY stand up. I immediately went to go eat something. All I just needed was help off the floor. BECAUSE I WAS WEAK DUE TO MY BLADDER HELL. Jesus Christ. Worst? I was all “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU” as he helped me onto the chair.

I hate myself that I am still kind and helpful to them despite how shitty they treat me. I also hate that I had to lie to get them to fuck off with their UNNECESSARY BULLYING.

Oh yeah, bonus: my mom was about to pour out my unopened bottles of vodka. Internally I was like “bitch, you do that and I will pour out ALL your beer and Coronas.” Of course I can’t say that out loud. The vodka bottles haven’t been opened in months and were ten dollars each, but it’s the principle of it. She was planning to keep the bottles, but when she went away I took them back to my room and hid them BECAUSE HELL NAW. They are still unopened lmao.

Another: I said that I told them that I can’t be on the floor because then I can’t get back up. My mom was “YEAH YEAH ONE EAR OUT THE OTHER!” and said that I never told them that. Oh yeah, that’s right. They were fucking drunk when I asked permission to sleep in the guest room.

Then another time my mom overworked me again that my lower back gave out and my head crashed hard into a bucket. I lost feeling in the left side of my skull for three months. Thank gawd feeling has been slowly returning.

Then my mom was throwing one of her USUAL VIOLENT TANTRUMS being so damn OBSESSED with the pantry that she was tossing objects and ROARING with rage. I was afraid of being called worthless AGAIN and so to prove my worth I scrubbed the counter. Unfortunately I was at the corner of the counter. Something or someone heavy hit me on the back (I can’t remember because the pain overwrought my memory) and so I slammed into the corner of the counter. It hurt like hell.

Then began the nightmare.

I was in so much pain. It felt like cramps but worse. I started feeling dizzy. Everything was wavy. My stomach began becoming huge, it looked like I was pregnant. (Which was weird because my sis’ was pregnant at the time.) I was “hey look! It looks like I’m pregnant!” Then I was WAIT A MINUTE. Did gawd bang me without my consent? I AM GOING TO SUE GAWD!

Suddenly vivid visions began happening. First one, I was in this really bright white hallway, or what seemed like a hallway. There was a very bright light at the end that didn’t hurt my eyes. I could walk without a cane, then I could actually run again, then I took flight and I was “OH LAWDY LAWDY! I AM FLYING I AM FLYING HOE SHIT LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL WINGS BITCH!” Then I felt a great mourning and stopped. Suddenly Tomtom appeared. He was huge. Bigger than I was. I was “Tomtom? Tomtom?! Is that really you?!” He went the opposite direction I was flying to and we went back to the darkness which apparently was my room because I ended up back in bed (well chair/bed thing) and I felt his weight on my bed and I got to pet him for a quick second before I woke up.

So I sat up and was like “DAMN, I MUST BE TRIPPING BALLS!” then as I got up to head to the bathroom to splash water on my face for such a very obviously a delusional trip, I literally tripped on balls. My cat’s toys, lmao.

NOTE: I am an atheist that does not believe in heaven or hell or karma. I just have delusions and visions that are vivid as fuck.

Then I had that vision again, same thing of me racing and flying towards the light going “LAWDY LAWDY HAVE MERCY! MY BEAUTIFUL WINGS! IMMA GONNA SEE WHAT IS BEYOND THOSE LIGHTS!” Then oh gawd. This woman that I think was my grandma that passed in 2004 (another story where we did a ritual and made it snow for Christmas here, snow for the first time in 100 years because apparently and thankfully the dead speak to me after a week when they pass) I was “grandma?” then she pulled out a chancal and said “KATHY!! GET BACK DOWN THERE!!” and I was “HOLY SHIT!” I immediately turned back and woke up in my bed. I woke up gasping for air because what the fuck.

Then the vision happened again, but this time I couldn’t see who was pulling me back to my bed.

This kept happening repeatedly. I can’t remember them. Then eventually I accidentally tripped and fell onto the floor. I couldn’t get back up due to the weight of my stomach and needed help. I reluctantly asked my parents for help to get up from the floor, unfortunately they yelled at me and treated me like trash. Then they called the paramedics. They came to pick me up. My dad berated me at them over shit I could not help. I literally showed him proof that my fucking nerve doctor kept canceling my appointments via text. Jeez. He talked so much shit about me to them that wasn’t true.

Then began a week of hell at the hospital that I will vent another time because I’m tired and just want to watch some TV until I doze off like an old person.

Last one though. Recently I had another one of that vivid vision of walking, running, sprouting huge white wings and taking flight. I was flying towards the light. Then I felt that great mourning again. I saw Tomtom, my grandma, and all these other people that I assume to be relatives or some shit. I was “WAIT WHO THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE OTHER BITCHES AND HOES? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO TINY?” They were allowing me to get to the light not stopping me this time.

I had this feeling that if I go into the lights I won’t be able to return. As much as I DO NOT WANT TO RETURN WITH HOW I AM TREATED BY MY PARENTS AND PEOPLE, I reluctantly turned around heading back to the dark to my room to my bed, back to all the pain and other crap.

Tomtom allowed me to ride on his back. I was “why the fuck am I so gawd damn tiny.”

Then suddenly images appeared of my sibling and I. So many images. Other images of other people and I. I started crying. I guess… I can’t go just yet. But, why? Why if I am treated like garbage often? Worst? My surgeon said it’s a miracle I am even alive because I survived three and a half weeks not knowing my bladder ruptured and people usually die from that after a few days.

I don’t know shit. I don’t know what is going on. I’m just a dumbass human, a human like everyone else. It was probably a fluke that I am still alive and it doesn’t mean anything.

Anyways, felt like sharing that. Part two of the horrible abuse at the hospital will be for another time. Going to watch Comedy Central now.

I hate myself for taking walking for granted. I can still walk, my feet are just in so much pain at touching anything that they turn onto the sides. I literally walk on the sides of my feet and wobble. Cleaning the kitchen every night/morning is hell.

I plan to request a higher dosage of the anti-pain meds Dec 6 when I go back. Nov 20 I see a doctor specialist for my legs/feet.

This jalapeño is doing illegal things.

(Meant to post this earlier but got shitfaced too fast.)

Voted earlier at my old high school. Walked in with a cane feeling like Scrooge/House. Made a Painkiller drink because Election Night.

Oh yeah, any time I go to the doctor blood is always drawn. Last Monday they took ten vails of blood. I was surprised they even got blood out of me. The first time they tried getting blood out of me back in July, they couldn’t get much (only filled a quarter of a tube with thick blood) and had to stop and reschedule me for the next day for someone else to collect my blood. Then last Tuesday had that ultrasound done.

Friday I go back to find out my results.

Oh yeah annnnd in the mirror, I am a disgusting disfigured skeleton. I tried looking at my back and my shoulder bones stick out like knives.

I’m just so ugly.

Anyways hopefully this rash goes away. It’s been a huge pain since Thursday. It hurts. It’s itchy. It’s unsightly. If not, hopefully my doctor might be able to help me on Friday.

The only bright side is at least my feet are finally not swollen anymore thanks to the diuretics. Thank gawd. Holy fuck. Unfortunately my feet are still numb/buzzy and hurt to walk on and other crap, but thankfully not swollen like they were since August. I was in agonizing pain for fucking months. I’m so glad it’s less now.

Oh and to add more onto my shit luck, my knee randomly gave out and I fell hitting my head and fucking chipped a part of my tooth against the bed frame in my sis’s former room. Now there’s a small hole in my tooth that I’m obsessively brushing several times a day to prevent a cavity from forming because I can’t fucking afford a filling. My insurance only covers a small amount. (I was already struggling trying to keep this other hole at bay because the dentist is expensive. Now I freaking have two.)

I might consider creating a post in the hopes people share it around to donate a dollar so I can get started on saving up to get it filled. I don’t mean to be a charity case but holy shit I’ve been having a hellish year.