Exactly 43.5 ironically dead jars of mayonaisse

1) DON’T use your search bar to find and open the Run app

2) DON’T type in services.msc

3) DON’T find Adobe Genuine Software Integrity Services and right-click to get a dropdown menu, and don’t select ‘properties’

4) if you happen to click properties, DON’T use the startup type dropdown to locate the option to disable the program. be sure you DON’T click apply to finalize that change. 

5) DO NOT do the same thing in order to also disable Adobe Genuine Software Monitor 

if you do all of these things, this WILL disable adobe’s ability to monitor the software, and you will be forced to continue using the same older software that you already paid for instead of having to sign up for a newer, shittier version and pay more for it. so if you have lots of cash to spare and are cool with putting it the pockets of racketeering capitalists, definitely don’t do any of these things. 

I’M SORRY MA'AM. I KNOW YOU’RE UPSET.

So eventually I get to my birth certificate, which I had never seen. My parents eventually agree to dig it out of their attic and I’m expecting to see my deadname on it,

NOPE.

“Baby [Lastname]” was listed as my name on my birth certificate. When I enquired about it this turned out after birth I was busy having all kinds of life threatening health problems for the first year of my life so naming me was something that was kept on the back burner. Medieval style.

My deadname was never amended because my parents literally never named me, my deadname was just a nickname my eight year-old brother came up with that kind of sticked.

Okay, sure, “but where,” I asked, “did the name ‘Baby’ come from?”

“Oh,” I was told “That’s kind of a placeholder hospitals assign to newborns in this situation.”

My husband comes from a “weird” family. Like, the whole county knows. “He’s a total weirdo. AAAH THAT’S HIS LAST NAME THAT EXPLAINS IT OKAY NO PROBLEM GO FLY FREE DUDE WE LOVE YOU!!” The family’s just a bunch of freaks, like the Addams Family meets the Beverly Hillbillies. I ADORE them.

It was celebrated because they’re so valuable to the local community. This one sells meticulously grown veggies at the farmer’s market, then hisses at you for suggesting they wear soemthing that isn’t tie-dyed. That kid was in kindergarten before she said her first word, and that’s cool because her older sister translated for her NO THANK YOU TEACHER WE DO NOT NEED A DOCTOR THAT IS NORMAL FOR THIS FAMILY GO AWAY. She’s got two quiet kids of her own now and WE STILL DO NOT NEED A DOCTOR GO AWAY. That uncle knows everything there is to know about every car engine ever, and he never wears shoes with laces because he literally never worked out how to tie them (He’s 60). He’s also the top mechanic in his town and makes serious dough that put his super-smart daughter through college, and now she’s an ace veterinarian who pterodactyl screams at acrylic sweaters and keeps everyone’s pets alive. I shit you not, the family matriarch gets excited for tax season every year and begs everyone to bring her their taxes so she can MATH at them. It’s her freaking hobby.

Whatever. They’re in OUR family. It’s totally normal for us. The family’s just full of freaks, that’s all. We encourage our people to go with their strengths and use their skills to make our little corner of the world a nicer place to live in, then teach them how to manage the difficult parts of the world because we all had to learn to do it ourselves. “Because this family’s full of people just as freaky as you. You’re one of us.”

No, most of them don’t go to college. It’s rural Illinois, of course they don’t. Lots of them end up in specialized trades, like electricians or farmers, and they always kick ass at it. They tend towards jobs that require a lot of focus, and attention to detal, and very specific, in-depth knowledge that is almost useless outside of whatever field they’re in. We’re mostly spread between two or three small towns in Illinois, and I do not think these three towns would function without my husband’s family fixing and growing everything they do.

One of our cousins’ kids got diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder a few years ago. His now-ex-wife insisted that something was wrong and that our cousin was a jerk for not caring enough to notice. The family reacted with “He’s fine, it’s normal, we all did that when we were his age... wait... shit... what do you mean it’s genetic?”

It turns out that like 70% of my husband’s side of the family is autistic as fuck. We’re talking about grandmothers. Uncles. Cousins. People are in their 70s just now figuring out why they are how they are. 

They’re just so famously weird in our community that they attract the other weird people as partners, and then they have weird little kids, and no one really looks twice. A bunch of the people (including me) who married in were informally adopted first. “Oh, your parents punished you for this behavior? We all do that here. Come to the barbecue!” Two years later, I had their last name and was helping watch their adorable little handflappy babies.

We’ve got an entire gene pool over here of autistic people thriving so well that no one noticed we were all autistic.

Also, that cousin got RID of his wife when she started talking about how “tragic” their son’s autism is. Their son is a perfectly normal child in our family and will be raised as such. We joke now that when something needs fixed, “Oh, just call Uncle So-and-So, he’ll autism at it.”’

This is a common occurrence amongst his retired coffee group.

One lady was a head nurse that ran two floor at her hospital. They wanted her to take on more work. She agreed to do so oy if they gave her a small raise and hired an assistant for her. They refused so she retired early. They had to replace her with 20 people.

This isn't to say that the elites just let this happen, either. Laws were passed to limit wage increases, and threats were made, but the workers had economic bargaining power on their side. Labour was in such short supply that employers and landlords had to take what they could get. The people held out - and so can (and should!) YOU.

This was the start of peasant revolts, popular rebellions, and - ultimately, more labour protections, political representation for the lower classes, lower taxes, and an end to serfdom. People could afford to own their own land, the feudal system vanished, and eventually, the Renaissance would rise. In these unprecedented times, there is a precedent, and that precedent is that when workers know their worth, agitate for better and for more, when they hold out and unite, they force the elites to loosen the reigns, giving more power, autonomy, rights, and profits back into the hands of the workers, and with that freedom, society improves.

The people of Flint are trapped by the legal system. And it is only the most high profile case out many cities with a similar problem. 

Southern Comfort (2001)

Robert: – and now she’s coming out, full blown… she is something else.

Lola: Oh, please, stop it.

Robert: What? I’m just telling her how wonderful you are, and how beautiful, and how organised, and…

Lola: Actually, you know, I really should put all of this on tape, you know? For when I’m not feeling so great.

Robert: Sweetheart, it is on tape. 

[BOTH LAUGH]

Robert: Just in the last couple of months now, it’s come on real strong, but she just really blushes! I can get her to blush all the way from head to toe. See? And she can’t deal with it! She’s never blushed like that before!

Lola: [SIGHS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Robert: All my life, I’ve been looking for the perfect woman… and all this time, she’s been right there in front of me, and I didn’t even realise it, ‘cause I never thought I’d have a chance with her.

Lola: Why? You’re like… completely loveable.

Robert: To be loved by you, that’s… that’s…

Lola: I had no notion, to think that we would have this little fling.

Robert: That’s what I feel - we have this nice friendship, we can’t go out, we have fun together, we got no entanglements and stuff and then - bam! Just… all of a sudden, next thing I know, we’re in love with each other and we can’t stop it.