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[Observing a crime scene]
Vastra: Fascinating. The splatter pattern suggests the victim was consuming a rather inferior brand of marmalade just prior to their demise.
Jenny: ...How does that help us find the killer, Ma'am?
Vastra: It doesn't. It merely offends my palate.
The first sentence says 32 and 13 implying that the speaker is 32 years old and their girlfriend is 13 years old, which is both highly inappropriate and illegal. The next sentence reveals the speaker was talking about their game levels, not their ages, which is perfectly okay.
In their reply to the audience they then say they are picking her up from middle school, again implying that their girlfriend is underage, but quickly state she’s grading papers letting us know she’s a teacher, definitely an adult, and there no reason to be upset.
The rollercoaster gif portrays how switching from upset and worried to relieved in such a short period of time feels emotionally.
The next meme shows the guy panicking from misunderstanding, then feeling relieved and calm realizing the truth, only to panic over the next misunderstanding and then calm again when hearing the end.
the above explanation is followed by a picture of data from star trek with a speech bubble's tail coming out of him, implying he's the one saying all of that, which is humerous because the above text is written in a style similar to his speech patterns, and with a subject matter he would enjoy
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Warnings:
👤 Morally grey protagonist(s)
🦎 Non-human character
⚠️ Dark themes
🩸 Murder
⚔️ Violence
🚫 Mentions of abuse
💀 Graphic content (death, mutilation, etc.)
Author's Note:
Hope you enjoy this little dark and atmospheric story. It was inspired by the mysteries Madame Vastra often faces, and I wanted to explore a killer who, though brutal, has a twisted sense of order.
Summary:
London’s blood runs deep beneath its cobbled streets, slick and dark as the fog that chokes its alleys. Death here is never clean. It soaks into the bricks, lingers in chimneys, curls beneath doors like smoke. Madame Vastra, veiled detective of Paternoster Row, has known many hunts in her time — but never one quite like this. The Matchstick Murderess is a killer with a taste for theatre — each death is a statement. But there is precision in her chaos, a chilling pattern, and it is only a matter of time before Vastra uncovers the person behind it all.
༺═─────═༻ ☠ ༺═─────═༻
London’s blood ran deep beneath its cobbled streets, slick and dark as the fog that choked its alleys. Death here was never clean. It soaked into the bricks, lingered in chimneys, curled beneath doors like smoke. Madame Vastra, veiled detective of Paternoster Row, had known many hunts in her time — but never one quite like this.
The Matchstick Murderer, the papers whispered. A killer with a taste for theatre — and precision. Each corpse made a statement. Each statement was signed the same: a charred matchbox, delicately placed between the parted lips of the dead.
But this was no chaos. No madness.
Every victim told a story.
A priest, rumored to harbor a most unholy penchant for choir boys.
A textile baron, who barred the factory doors in the midst of a fire, trapping his workers within the inferno.
A landlord who raised rents at winter, then threw families who could not pay into the frost.
A brothel-keeper whose missing girls were found drifting lifeless in the Thames.
They were monsters.
And they were precisely the sort Vastra herself would have hunted — quietly, cleanly, and with no headlines to follow. There was no need for drama. No need for fanfare or fire.
Justice, when served properly, did not leave scorch marks.
And yet… she could not help but admire the vicious elegance of it all.
Not that admiration dulled her blade.
She had made it her singular duty to stop the killings — even these.
༺═─────═༻ ☠ ༺═─────═༻
Tonight, the scent of scorched wood and coppery blood drew her to the Lyric Grand — a lavish opera house teeming with people, and yet somehow, no one had seen or heard a thing.
“Madame Vastra,” said Inspector Gregson, offering a grave nod as he greeted her. He led the veiled detective toward the private box. “My apologies for calling you at such an hour.”
“The victim is Sir Lionel Roke. A shipping magnate. A celebrated philanthropist. He dedicated his fortune to what he termed ‘the betterment of Britain’s lost children.’”
“If this is the work of the Matchstick Murderer, Inspector,” Vastra replied at last, her voice low, “then I rather doubt he was truly an upstanding man.”
The box had been cleared for her. Only Gregson, the corpse, and the quiet gaslight remained. Vastra drew back her veil. Emerald scales caught the light — brief, glinting, reptilian.
Gregson grimaced. “Quite so, madame. Children vanish from every orphanage under his patronage. Nothing ever proven, of course.”
Vastra did not reply. She merely regarded the dead man’s eyes.
She studied the body. The scorched matchbox was in place, nestled between the parted lips. But there was something new — something different this time.
A ribbon.
Tied around the neck with unsettling care. The fabric was cheap, child’s cotton, and upon it, stitched in a crooked, earnest hand:
“To my lady hunter. Come find me.”
Vastra narrowed her blue eyes.
This was no mere calling card.
This was no mere message.
It was a provocation.
She was being challenged.
༺═─────═༻ ౨ৎ ༺═─────═༻
In one of the more recent murders, she had nearly missed it.
The scent of blood was overwhelming — thick and metallic, clinging to the air like wet iron. It mingled with the offensive musk of the victim, the heavy cologne soaked into his cravat, the sour stench of fear and sweat. Nothing spoke. Nothing called to her.
And yet — there, beneath it all, something delicate. Subtle. Almost imagined.
Not a man’s scent.
A trace of lavender soap. A whisper of violets. Faint, but unmistakable. Something clean and quietly feminine.
The Matchstick Murderer was no man.
She was a woman.
Vastra returned to scenes where the trail had long since gone cold.
She sifted through constables’ ledgers:
Unconfirmed sighting. Female, early twenties. Trousers and waistcoat. Possibly armed.
She listened at market stalls and behind kitchen doors. A flower-girl claimed a slip of a lass had pinched a bloom from her tray and grinned like they were old friends. A brothel madam recalled a girl who came calling — not seeking work, just asking questions — and left just as quick. A chimney sweep said she once handed him half a loaf and laughed, “Don’t choke,” like they were sharing a joke. Even a dressmaker’s apprentice remembered a sharp-eyed young woman in pinched trousers and a faded waistcoat, asking for seams that would hold if one had to run. And in Newgate, a pickpocket only whistled low and muttered, “Wouldn’t cross her. Fast hands, faster temper.”
Finally, a name surfaced.
Jenny.
The name caught in Vastra’s mind like a thorn.
It meant nothing.
And yet it echoed.
She pushed the feeling aside.
There was work to do.
༺═─────═༻ 𓆈 ༺═─────═༻
And stranger still — the murderess seemed pleased to be recognised. As though being seen by Vastra had unlocked something deep and dangerous within her.
After that, the gifts began.
First came the scarf.
Left beneath a park bench Vastra often visited on her solitary evening walks — a place she believed private. Hand-knitted, the stitching uneven, earnest, childlike. Tucked into its folds was a note, written in a looping, careful hand:
“I put a lot of myself into this… and a little bit of someone else.”
Vastra ran her fingers over the yarn. She had seen that fabric before — fraying from the hem of a murdered man’s coat.
Then came the basket.
Delivered by a barefoot urchin to the edge of a crime scene, while the constables obligingly looked the other way.
“Some lady told me t’ give this t’ Madame Vastra,” the boy mumbled, scratching his nose. “Said it were fresh, like — just out the oven, she did.”
Inside, nestled beneath gingham cloth, was a homemade pie.
It was, in a sense, fresh.
The scent of baked crust still lingered — just enough to mask the metallic tang beneath.
Raw meat. Human. Still warm.
Across the cobbles, the body lay half-shrouded beneath a tarpaulin. Male. Middle-aged. And missing a clean, deliberate wedge of flesh from the upper thigh — surgical, almost.
Vastra stared down at the pie — at the meat’s pale marbling, the precision of the cut.
A match.
And last — the most intimate offering of all: a keepsake box.
It arrived by post, unmarked and discreet, like a love letter with no return address.
The box was old — finely carved, the wood worn smooth by time and devoted fingers. Vastra opened it slowly, with the caution one reserves for traps or treasures.
No jewels. No flowers. No florid confession.
Only small things, private and damning: a silver cufflink. A torn theatre ticket. A lock of dark hair. A monogrammed handkerchief, recognised from an old and unresolved report of a missing gentleman.
All laid with care upon velvet the colour of dried blood.
And a single note, folded with precision:
“I wanted you to have a piece of my history.
Things I couldn’t bear to part with… until now.”
Signed, in that same looping hand:
Jenny Flint.
༺═─────═༻ 𓆈 ༺═─────═༻
Their first real encounter was on the rooftop of Charpentier’s Millinery, a fashionable hat shop in Mayfair known for its feathered confections and scandalous clientele.
Vastra moved like death herself — silent across the slates, her silhouette a shadow among shadows. The wind tugged at her veil, teasing it loose, until a sliver of green-scaled cheek caught the moonlight — a glimpse of something inhuman, beautiful and terrible beneath the silk. Jenny climbed like a cat, quick and sure-footed, her small hands finding impossible purchase on the chimney stacks and gables slick with rain.
She was smaller than Vastra had expected — fierce and wiry, cheeks streaked with soot, and eyes far too bright for the night. A knife flashed in her hand, curved and street-sharpened, but she did not strike.
Instead, she smiled.
“Evenin’, ma'am,” she said, dropping a crooked curtsey that was more challenge than respect. "Ain’t you a picture, close up.”
Vastra drew her sword in answer, steel whispering against leather. “You are wanted for a dozen murders.”
Jenny tilted her head like a sparrer eyein’ a cat. “Beggin’ yer pardon, ma’am — but they all ’ad it comin’, didn’t they?”
“Justice is not yours to dispense.”
“Never said it were justice, did I?” Her grin widened, all fox an’ fire. “Just wanted yer attention, is all.”
Then she blew her a kiss — rough-fingered, mocking, absurdly tender — and was off, disappearing into the maze of chimneys and night.
Vastra gave chase, her breath steady, but her pulse — traitorously — was not.
༺═─────═༻ 🗡 ༺═─────═༻
The second encounter was bloodier.
Jenny had drawn Vastra into a gambling den thick with smoke, sweat, and the stink of betrayal. The patrons turned violent before the doors even shut. Vastra carved her path through them — swift, relentless, her blade a whisper of steel and fury. Blood spattered the green of her veil, boots slipping on sawdust and gore.
And all the while, she felt it: eyes on her. Not fear. Not hatred. Amusement — thick in the air like perfume.
From a shadowed balcony above, Jenny applauded — slow, deliberate, mocking.
“Not bad, ma'am,” she called, voice lilting through the rafters. “Bit sloppy on yer left side, though.”
Vastra did not answer. She hurled a dagger — quick, elegant, unerring. It sang past Jenny’s ear by less than an inch.
Jenny only laughed — a sound like mischief wrapped in moonlight, half delight, half dare — and vanished once more into the dark.
Vastra came to the truth slowly, and with no small measure of dread.
༺═─────═༻ ⚔ ༺═─────═༻
Week by week, encounter by encounter, the pattern revealed itself with dreadful clarity.
Jenny Flint was courting her — in the only language she seemed to know.
Through blood spilled on cobblestones.
Through trophies taken from the wicked.
Through games of chase and steel and sharpened wit.
It was deranged. It was monstrous.
And, to Vastra’s mounting unease…
…it was working.
༺═─────═༻ ⚜ ༺═─────═༻
One fog-soaked night, Vastra came upon the wreck of a carriage — its lacquered panels splintered, the horses fled, the driver left cooling in his own blood.
Carved into the wood, scorched and jagged, was a message:
“Stop huntin’, ma'am. Court me proper.”
And there, pinned beside the words like an afterthought — or a promise — lay a delicate brooch. Silver and green enamel. The very one Vastra had once admired in a jeweller’s window on Bond Street, months ago. She had never spoken of it. Had never returned for it.
Yet here it was.
Gleaming in the moonlight.
Waiting.
Vastra hesitated — and then, against all reason, slipped it into her coat.
༺═─────═༻ ⚜ ༺═─────═༻
At last, Vastra waited for her.
Mr. Silas Croft was a man admired across London for his benevolence — a philanthropist who sat on charity boards and gave impassioned speeches about the moral duty of the wealthy to uplift the poor. His name appeared often in the society pages, always accompanied by praise for his generosity and spotless character.
But behind the high-polished veneer, Croft was a predator.
In the privacy of his grand home, he preyed upon the young maids in his employ — girls with no family, no voice, and no recourse. He offered small kindnesses, promises of protection, then cornered them when no one was looking. And when the inevitable happened — when one fell pregnant — he cast her out without a reference or a coin to her name. Many vanished. A few were found in workhouses, or worse.
Vastra knew the type. She had seen the trail of quiet devastation he left behind, women discarded like refuse, while Croft stood at gala dinners and smiled for photographs.
He was perfect. And he would be her lure.
That night, Croft was alone in his study, having dismissed his staff early for the evening. A brandy in hand, papers spread across his desk, the lamps low.
A window, cracked for air, opened out just above the alleyway below. Unlocked.
He never saw Jenny coming.
She slipped in like a sigh — silent as soot.
One moment, the window hung open to the night. The next, Jenny Flint crouched on the sill — all shadow and intent, eyes glittering.
Croft didn’t notice.
He stood at his liquor cabinet, humming tunelessly, swirling brandy like a man who believed himself beloved, safe, untouchable.
He didn’t hear the soft scrape of a drawer behind him. Didn’t see Jenny, fingers deft and sure, pluck the brass-edged ruler from its place atop his desk.
It wasn’t a knife. It didn’t need to be.
Anything can be a weapon — if you’re clever enough. Furious enough. Broken just right.
She was on him in two strides. He turned too late. The ruler’s corner pressed against his throat, hard and cold and sharp enough to draw a bead of blood.
“Evenin’, Mr. Croft,” she said, voice light as a bell. “Don’t s’pose you remember Sarah Frye? Pretty girl. Cleaned this very study for six months — right up ‘til she started showin’.”
He sputtered.
She tilted the ruler — just a fraction — and he whimpered.
“Didn’t think so.”
Jenny grinned, her eyes aglow with a dreadful, glittering light. “’Ow ’bout Mary Dutton? Nah? That’s rich — she remembered you, she did. Right up till she bled out in the snow, after you packed her off t’ some back-alley butcher.”
Croft’s mouth moved. Protest, plea, lie — she didn’t care.
“This time,” she whispered, breath warm at his ear, “I came to clean yer conscience.”
He lunged for the bell pull.
Before he could do so much as stir, Jenny slammed his head against the wall with a crack. “None o' that, don’t be rude—I'm still talkin’, ain’t I?” she said, as if remarking on the weather, the menace hidden beneath her words all the more chilling for its casualness.
Then, from the shadows, a voice spoke.
“That will do, Miss Flint.”
Jenny turned. She smiled, as though the whole affair were a performance staged for her amusement.
“Ta for the trouble, ma’am,” she said, all sugar and soot. “Don’t reckon many girls get a reception like this, eh?”
Vastra stepped into the lamplight, hood drawn back, sword gleaming in her hand, her countenance as still and unreadable as carved stone.
“I even wore me best trousers,” Jenny added, eyes gleaming with mischief. “D'ya like ’em?”
They were black, of fine cloth gone soft with wear, a touch too short at the ankle — likely filched from a clerk or footman — but still carried a certain cut to them. Over these she wore a faded blue waistcoat, its colour softened by time but neatly pressed, and a girl’s blouse with fraying cuffs, the collar fastened smart with a matching blue necktie. The whole ensemble was patched and second-hand, yet oddly dashing, thrown together with the careless confidence of someone who knew exactly how to wear what she had. She grinned, head high, as though she’d dressed for a dance — not for house-breaking.
To Vastra’s annoyance, the whole ensemble did, in fact, suit her.
But the time for games had passed. Vastra raised her blade, preparing to strike.
Before she could reach her, Jenny drove the ruler’s sharp edge into Croft’s throat.
It wasn’t clean. It didn’t need to be.
He collapsed with a gurgle, clutching at his neck, blood soaking into the fine carpet as his limbs thrashed and stilled. The room stank of brandy and iron and death.
Vastra seized the girl at once, slamming her against the wall. Stone met spine. Jenny only laughed — wild-eyed, breathless, radiant with adrenaline.
“Well then, ma’am,” she panted, grinning through the blood and the thrill, “what now? Goin’ to clap me in irons? Or…” She leaned in, voice low, breath warm at Vastra’s ear, wicked as a secret. “…make an honest woman of me?”
Vastra froze — caught between fury and something far more treacherous.
Croft bled out quietly at their feet, forgotten.
The air between them thrummed — absurd and perilous, unbearably alive.
“I should kill you,” Vastra said, her voice low — all ice edged with ember.
Jenny, maddeningly unfazed, only grinned. “But you won’t.”
And Vastra knew it. Knew it with the kind of dreadful certainty that rewrote rules and burned down codes of honour.
She searched the girl's face — the reckless courage, the mad devotion stitched into every bloodstained token, every bold, deranged act of courtship.
No. Not yet.
“Come quietly,” Vastra said at last.
Jenny gave a mock-pout. “Ain’t never been quiet, me.”
They stepped over Croft’s body without ceremony. His fingers twitched once — blindly, uselessly — then lay still.
Jenny looked down at him, then up at Vastra, eyes glinting. “If you’re peckish, ma’am,” she said, tone light as a feather, “he’s still warm.”
She smiled — all teeth and mischief.
༺═─────═༻ ♖ ༺═─────═༻
Outside, the rain had started again — light and hissing. It glazed the stone in silver, slicked Jenny’s fringe to her brow, and softened the world into gaslight and shadow.
Vastra pulled up her hood, the fabric falling like a dark curtain.
Jenny fell in beside her, content as a cat, eyes gleaming like a girl walking home from a dance.
“You need to stop killing people,” Vastra said, her tone flat, not sparing a glance.
Jenny’s grin curved slow, sly, her voice light with something darker. “Can’t let you go hungry, ma’am.”
They walked on in silence.
A respectable detective, and the girl who bled for her.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming