The Amazing Mind Of...Nichole Marie

So, let’s start from the beginning of it all. About 2yrs ago my girlfriend cheated on me with some random she met online. I found out from the other person as they wanted to make sure what she was telling them was true. (it wasn't!) She had told them that we weren't together anymore and that we had become roommates. Well, I set the story straight and came home from work quite upset with her (as you probably would be too). She was soon off to work that day and when she was leaving, I said that I hope something bad happens to her on the way to work. Did I mean it at the time, probably in the moment of anger, but deep down I didn't mean a word of it. I would like to say i handled the situation well, but I didn't, obviously. We talked things out over the following few days and I tried to look past it, but I spent the following 2yrs loving her and resenting her at the same time. Her touch although soft and much wanted, hurt knowing she had cheated on me. Fast forward the last two years, she finally announced on Valentine’s Day they she was leaving me. I had dropped the ball. HARD! I love her, I am in love with her still. I would relive that day and never say that to her again. I would have marched us both into counseling and gotten us the help we needed 2yrs ago to fix things the right way instead of resenting her. We have become no contact after my last encounter with her (not by choice). Although she mentioned multiple times that she would like to stay friends, she suddenly changed her tune. I have tried asking her out to coffee as friends only, no strings attached, and even offered to buy said coffee. I have been left on read. I work in retail and her favorite ice cream is on sale so I sent her the Ad, also left on read. It breaks my heart to not see her or hear her voice. It breaks my heart every night to go to bed alone. Just the empty space she once took up in bed a reminder of my fucked-up choices. I am still friends and in contact with most of her local friends. They say she hasn't reached out to them and has basically ghosted them since leaving in February. Some of those friends have said they are not surprised by all of this; she was probably still messing around behind my back. IDK what to believe when it comes to that. I know she was jealous of any female friends I have/had because she had seen a text with one that said that I missed her (because she had been busy) and that I love her (platonically). All of which is true. My female friends are not people I have romantic feelings for; I know too much about them to be with them lol. We had our problems, and we bumped heads more than a few times like most couples do. But in the end, I love her without question. Yes, I would take her back in a heartbeat, I doubt it would ever happen with the way she is acting towards me, but I would. When she left that day, she took my heart with her. The days since have felt empty, colorless, and dull. I sleep only 2-4hrs a night, I eat one meal a day and work the rest of the time. I have to stay busy, otherwise I end up thinking about her. Then the waterworks kick in and I become a mess.

UPDATE #1: I spiraled bad the first few days after she left, even tried suicide. Not my proudest moment, but this isn't my first rodeo with self-harm so unfortunately, I survived. I honestly don't know what force in this universe keeps trying to keep me here. I have nearly died in car accidents or was medically resuscitated a few times over the course of my life. I shaved all of my long hair off, was too hot and bothering me at work at the time. I also had to step away from the internet, streaming and social media, everything on my FYP reminded me of her. Don't worry I kept my Tumblr queue stocked for quite some time. I will be back soon! UPDATE #2: I have hit the pavement running, as they say. I got myself out of debt. Got all the bills switched over to my name alone. I did have some help here and there, but I did the leg work myself. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. One day is okay, another is better, but then I fall right back down into the darkness. I have begun therapy through my work and once a month with my local therapist to keep my medication filled. I have decided to get back on HRT, but we are going to take it slow and make sure I can remember to take my pills and shots regularly. UPDATE #3: My friends are my support group, as they should be right. I have crashed out a few times, anxiety and depression mixed with ADHD and possibly borderline autism don't really like to all get along. My body dysmorphia is running rampant at the moment, but hopefully the HRT and Lexapro will balance some of it out. Work is still good; my boss is happy with my performance and helping to fix things around the store. I am hopeful with my therapists and we have a good plan of action in the works. I will check back in soon. UPDATE #4: It I the end of July already, I still miss her like crazy every day. I can no longer stand to be in this house we shared for 6yrs. I am making my way through the house, packing and pitching stuff. I plan to live off of bare minimum in the house. Everything I don't use daily can go into storage for now. I am looking to move out of Florida and head back north to either South Carolina to be near my folks or back home to Chicago to be with the rest of my family and friends. The memories within these walls haunt me daily. I got asked out by a customer the other day, I told her I was flattered but off the market. I think it is best to just do this solo thing for a while. I am honestly not interested in anyone other than my EX; I can't stop loving her. Trust me I have tried. My friends say they don't understand why I hold out for her, but they also know why and leave the topic alone. I spent these past few weeks meeting up with local friends for dinner or coffee. It helps with the darkness, to be around people who can make me laugh and think. The shitty part of that is coming home to an empty house. It's technically not empty as I still have my two cats, but you know what I mean. I have been working on some book changes though, so be happy for me, I haven't felt like writing for a few months. I'll check back in later in august as life progresses.