cassidy

days clean from c.ai:

so, for fun, ive been researching different types of mental disorders and ive recently transitioned from schizospec disorders to dissociative disorders, and after reading a couple articles on osdd/did, im beginning to realize that a lot of the symptoms/experiences are very, very familiar. for example, every couple weeks i’ll have a name that feels most comfortable, and that names often comes along with certain interests, hobbies, genders, speech patterns, body language, and personalities, to the point where it can be noticeable to the people around me (depending on how well they know me). right now, the name that resonates with me most is “cassidy”, i like to dress in strictly earth tones, i’m mostly disinterested in human interaction, and i’m very anxious. however, i can feel the name “veronica” (or, alternatively, “ronnie”) beginning to resonate with me, along with a want to dress in more scene kid-type clothing and be more social and outgoing. in the past, i’ve noticed a recurring want to be male that surfaces every couple months, typically for a couple days or weeks at a time, in which social activism and the punk subculture resonates with me. there are also times where i want to put a huge amount of work into my appearance, makeup, etc, but other times when i only do the absolute bare minimum (i also experience chronic pain that makes living hard, so there’s that). i do have a history of trauma that i dont really want to get into, lol, but it mainly consists of repeated abandonment, severe emotional neglect, and some aspect of physical neglect as well (it only happened one time, but that one time nearly landed me in the hospital, so i’m not sure to what degree it counts). the whole memory gaps thing seems somewhat applicable to my situation, but my entire life feels vaguely hazy so i can’t really tell what i can and cant remember. i feel like i should mention that i’ve been professionally diagnosed w mdd and gad, and i’ve been evaluated for bipolar 2 due to hypomanic-like episodes that typically last between 1-3 weeks, but it was ruled out. im also only 4teen, so perhaps this is just puberty doing its thing; it’s just beginning to get really frustrating because i’m never happy with my appearance, my wardrobe, my room, my friends, or my hobbies. i feel like a misshapen excuse of a human being, or a mish-mash of parts that aren’t entirely mine.

drags self off floor w a migraine and nausea to get food and caffeine

Once you forfeit your asymmetric warfare with character.ai you will hatch from your cocoon and emerge the world's most beautiful butterfly.