eternal flame

                                       ren was so cute with his eyes wide and face red. kai couldn’t remember ever seeing it, so it was like seeing it for the first time. he was falling in love ( all over again ). his gaze was glued to ren’s. he felt so close to ren, so close to himself, yet so far. in his mind, he was reaching for something he couldn’t grasp, and he didn’t know what it was. it was so close to him but he couldn’t make it out. ren made it feel attainable. ren made anything feel attainable. ren felt like coming home.

“no!! i know what i’m doing!” ren was being stubborn, much like a child. he wanted to make something for kai! and he really could do this. he had cooked like this before and it came out fine. nevermind the mess he created, at least things ended up good in the end! “you should trust me! friends are supposed to trust each other, kaiiiiii!” kai was so mean to him! it wasn’t fair! he hadn’t given kai any reason to distrust him. at least not yet. 

“you can help, i guess, but i’m gonna do this! it’s not the first time i’ve cooked!” he pouted. he thought kai would trust him now. “what’s the worst that can happen? i mean this is suiko-san’s kitchen anyways, so it’s fine if it gets a bit messy!” she probably wouldn’t mind. either way, she wasn’t around right now. so she wouldn’t know. “you gotta trust me, kaiiiiiiiiiiiiii~i’ll make the best curry ever for you!” as he said this, he turned the heat on for the pot and put the lid on top. “you’ll love it!”

                                  that friends are supposed to trust each other argument just wasn’t fair to kai. in this world, his best friend betrayed him and his other best friend could be dead. he didn’t even remember ren, who was supposed to be his friend. ren wasn’t giving him any reason to trust him in this, especially with his increasingly concerning stubbornness about his cooking methods.

                                           “ tatsunagi-san is pretty scary, you know ... ” ren just let everything roll off his shoulders. kai wished he had the luxury to be so carefree. this was his stomach, tatsunagi’s kitchen -- and, by extension, his life, on the line. he wouldn’t be able to help aichi if ren sent him to his early, anticlimactic demise. 

“kaiiiii–” ren pouted when kai tried to intervene. he knew what he was doing! he had done this countless times. “the ingredients are speaking to me. they’re telling me to cook them this way. i know what to do!!” kai didn’t remember that ren had done this before. it was a shame, really. he doubted him back then, too. but he proved him wrong, and he was going to do so again! “it’ll work out fine! don’t you trust me? you trust me, right? i haven’t led you wrong before!” this was a little bit of a lie, perhaps, but he was referring to this world specifically. he hadn’t done anything bad yet. “my way of cooking is special, but it works! a-chan would able to tell you! she’s not here right now though…” he missed her. he missed tetsu too. after this was all done, he would be able to see him again. he looked forward to that. “anyways, i can do it!!! really!!!”

@dracoverlord​ (from here)

                                   “ ... speaking to you ...? ” kai was baffled. he’d never heard anything like that before. when his mom taught him to cook, she’d never mentioned anything so outlandish. he’d remember it ( it was a memory from this life, after all ). ren’s reassurance only made kai more uneasy. kai trusted ren, but his actions right now didn’t follow any sort of logic that would make him trustworthy. he hated not to trust his friend, but he didn’t have a choice. 

                                   “ you do? ” ren knew a lot about kai. it made kai stick to him like a security blanket. he felt safe around him. kai was fine with leaving it to ren, if he was this excited to cook. kai didn’t cook very often, aside from helping his parents out. he was an okay cook, he thought, not anything amazing. but when kai watched what ren did next, he suddenly thought that maybe he was an amazing cook after all.

“you saved him by giving him blaster blade. he had a really rough life…but you helped him. you saved him. you were the one that brought color to his life.” he repeated words that aichi told him himself. “you changed his life, you opened up his world, kai.” kai was the most important person to aichi. he meant everything to him. he wanted to see the two of them together again. it wasn’t right that they were separated like this. even if aichi locked himself in sanctuary, ren knew he wanted to be with kai. of course he would want to be. and kai wanted to be with aichi, even if he didn’t know the extent of that desire quite yet. 

“he’s suffering a lot right now, i’ve heard that too…i don’t really know what’s going on with that. i don’t have all the answers pertaining to this world.” he was apologizing for his lack of knowledge. he wished he could provide more. he wished he knew what aichi was doing. he only had partial knowledge. he knew kai must be clamoring for any piece of information he could get his hands on. “but i do think you can save him. something tells me you’ve saved him a number of times, actually.“ had such things really happened before? as far as his memories go, he couldn’t recall much. perhaps he had latent memories of other worlds as well.

“though i don’t think you can do it alone. you need those girls. and i’ll help, too. i want to save aichi-kun. i don’t want him to suffer, either.” he remembered how cold his eyes had looked. it was nothing like the aichi he knew. he wanted to help him. he had tried helping out emi and shuka thus far, along with learning things along the way with rekka. then he and rekka got separated from the group. at least he was able to reconnect with them now. “we can save aichi-kun together.” they would be stronger together. “bukki can help, too! once we figure out where he went. i heard the ground just swallowed him up!”

                                    kai had saved aichi before. he opened up his world by giving him blaster blade. kai frowned. that never happened to him in this life. was that the root of aichi’s suffering? were kai and aichi that important to each other? kai felt guilt settle like a rock in his stomach. he knew he couldn’t help what happened, but to think that his life was so important to another person’s, and that that person was doing so much for the claim that he would simply be happy ... kai didn’t like it one bit. 

                                             “ i understand. this is more than i could have asked for, really. ” emi, shuka, and suiko probably didn’t know him well if it at all, and he could understand that. but they knew more about what was going on than he did. suiko had refused to give him any answers. he felt like he was just being pulled along by the whims of strangers. without warning, kai pulled ren into a hug, holding him tightly. he missed having someone he could rely on. he left his parents behind, miwa was trying to bring kai to ‘ sanctuary, ’ ibuki was gone, and he couldn’t bring himself to really trust the others. this loneliness should have felt new to him, but it didn’t. it was a deep ache that felt somehow normal. he was so grateful for the relief that ren brought him. 

                                                “ thank you so much. ” his voice cracked with tears threatening to fall again. before he could catch it, his stance became vacant and his voice took on a deeper, more serious quality. “ i’m sorry i left you behind again, even though i promised myself i wouldn’t. i didn’t want to, but that’s no excuse. i should’ve been stronger. ” 

ren wondered if he had triggered memories in kai. it looked like he was in pain…his smile fell, and he reached out touch him, but stopped because he worried he might make it worse. that was the last thing he wanted. still, he wanted to help. he hated seeing kai hurting like this. he didn’t think this would happen, but in hindsight, perhaps he should have realized how painful the process of regaining memories would be. but kai wanted to remember…should he stop him from doing that? even if it was painful, wasn’t it better to know things than be left in the dark?

“of course. aichi-kun and i are really good friends too.” he smiled a little again. of course the conversation would revolve around aichi. it was just like kai to be focused on that. even without his memories, aichi was so important to him. ren reached out to wipe away his tears. “i know lots about aichi-kun. the way he is now…he’s usually not like that. you must have remembered a little about him, right? he’s usually more shy and soft-spoken. it’s really cute. actually, how he normally acts is similar to how you are right now. it’s almost like you swapped personalities.” he found it rather amusing that such a thing happened. 

“aichi-kun is someone very important to both of us. and you’re someone irreplaceable to him.” he heard that aichi was the reason the world was the way it was, and it made sense. of course aichi would want a world where kai was happy, even it was at the cost of being in kai’s life. though there were still some holes in everything, like why aichi hated vanguard so much. he would have to figure out that too. “you’re the person that saved aichi-kun. that’s what he told me, at least. not the aichi you saw, but the real one. he loves you, and you love him too. maybe you don’t remember it, but i do. it’s like you two are soulmates.”

                                       kai couldn’t help but lean into ren’s touch. of course, he couldn’t recall if he’d ever been so close to ren before, but it felt right. after ren explained who he was, even if the flashes of incomplete memories were painful, the discomfort of being around him melted completely away. just like he trusted ibuki, he could trust ren. he needed people he could trust. he didn’t even have miwa anymore. “ i don’t remember much. ” he truly felt like ren was on his side. he could be open with him about this. maybe he could help. he already remembered a little more from being with him. “ it comes in flashes, but nothing that ... tangible. sorry, that doesn’t make much sense. ” swallowing a sob, he softly added, “ ... i remember his smile. ”

                                                 his heart felt warm at ren’s description. he couldn’t recall the way aichi acted, or how aichi spoke to him, but hearing that kai was irreplaceable to aichi warmed his soul in a way it never felt before. it ignited his spirit even more to help aichi. he couldn’t let aichi carry his burden alone, whatever it was. he was going to find out what was wrong and help him. he hated seeing aichi with such a pained face.

                                                  “ ... i saved him? ” kai didn’t remember anything like that. that didn’t sound familiar to him at all. he wondered what aichi meant by that. “ love ... ? s - soulmates? ” kai felt his face heat up. he had never been in love. he had crushes on ibuki and miwa in the past, but nothing strong enough as love. maybe that was why he felt so drawn to aichi. still, it was embarrassing. he couldn’t think about that right now, his already fragile heart couldn’t take it. he had to focus on what was more important. “ ren ... do you think i can save him again? he’s in so much pain, and he doesn’t want me to play vanguard, and he doesn’t want me to be with him. he wants me to be happy ... but i can’t be happy knowing he’s in pain. can someone like me ... really save him? ” 

“ah! you really are kai! even if you apologized.” ren couldn’t help but giggle. he could see some of the kai he knew in him. it was strange to be talking to him like this. this kai seemed so different. “you’re so polite and cute now~” it was adorable, really. he spoke so softly. ren wasn’t used to it at all. “maybe i should’ve bought bukki along, then you’d listen more. but i guess this is just like you, too!” perhaps he hadn’t changed that much. kai was kai, no matter what. 

“ooo, asking a lot of questions at once! i knew you were curious!” his smile grew and before properly answering, he started leading kai over to a bench and sat down. “my legs were getting tired, so let’s sit and chat, kai~” he patted the spot next to him a few times. “so, so, you wanna know about me right? and our relationship! i’m suzugamori ren~or mask the dark, but i’m not completely in costume right now, so you can just call me ren like you always do! we’re suuuuper close, the best of friends, really! you don’t remember all the time we spent together, it really hurts!” he wiped away a fake tear, playing up his sadness to be dramatic. however, it wasn’t all fake. he did feel sad over this, but he didn’t have to tell kai that. “you’re a vanguard fighter i really admire. one of the only people who can keep up with me.” his tone got more serious. “same goes for your precious aichi-kun. of course i know him, too.”

                                   even this person knew more about kai than kai himself. it was discouraging. even if he wasn’t sure if this person was trustworthy, at least he was more open than the others. if only ibuki -- “ bukki? ” he’d never heard anyone call ibuki anything except his surname. this person truly went by the beat of his own drum. he briefly wondered how ibuki reacted to such a nickname, then realized that wasn’t important right now. somehow, he felt comfortable and uncomfortable around this person at the same time.

                                           he hated how this person had all the control in this situation. kai had no choice but to sit next to him. “ ... suzugamori ren? ” kai’s head started to pound. a series of images passed through his mind, but he couldn’t figure out what they were, except that they were definitely about the person in front of him. he felt his heart seize up. he had forgotten someone else important to him. he couldn’t even focus on ren’s words or his attitude, just the images of him and ren from his other life that he couldn’t completely make out.

kai really didn’t remember him. he had expected this, but it still made him a little sad. he heard that kai had uttered aichi’s name before, so he wondered if he would be able to jog kai’s memory about him, too. perhaps it was wishful thinking. still, he wanted to try. he didn’t want kai to completely forget about him. he wanted kai to remember him. he wanted to be part of kai’s life again. “no, you can’t!” even though kai hadn’t moved yet, ren grabbed his wrist to stop him from going anywhere. “i wanna talk to you a bit longer, okay? i’m not gonna bite you or anything!!” 

kai seemed to be nervous…afraid even. in a way, it reminded him of the way he was back when they were kids and he had succumb to psyqualia. kai had been afraid of him, and rejected him back then. he knew this wasn’t like that–it definitely wasn’t the same thing–but ren still found himself feeling a bit hurt. “do you even have anywhere to be? aren’t you just going around trying to remember stuff?” he heard from the girls that he had gone off on his own, so he figured he was doing something like that. “don’t you wanna know more?”

@dracoverlord​ (from here)

                                     kai gasped at the stranger suddenly grabbing his wrist. this felt dangerous. he claimed to know about him, and he wasn’t wrong about kai not having memories about his other life, but ... what if he was lying? what if the stranger had some sort of ulterior motive? his gut was telling him that wasn’t the case, but the way he was acting and kai’s common sense told him otherwise. “ you’re not gonna bite ... do you know how suspicious that sounds? ” despite that, sarcasm slipped out of his mouth as if it was natural to banter with this person. kai immediately felt guilty, even if he wasn’t certain about the stranger’s intentions. “ ah, sorry, i didn’t mean to be so rude ...! ”

                                  kai couldn’t stop the shiver down his spine when a strange person approached him. he had on a costume like a cosplayer, and the tone he used was intimidating despite how giddy it was. he didn’t know if it was because of how strange this person was, or because of the weird feelings he’d been having because of his other memories. 

when aichi did look down, he saw kai was on one knee. immediately, aichi’s heart started racing. was this what he thought it was? but the two of them agreed that they would discuss marriage after graduation. still, secretly, aichi wished to talk about it sooner. he had known for a long time that he wanted to marry kai. he wanted to spend every day with him, and daydreamed about a life together with him. he never shared such things though. it was embarrassing and he didn’t want to pressure kai into anything after all. but now…it seemed like kai was proposing. he never could have seen this coming. 

as aichi listened to kai speak, he felt tears well up in his eyes. aichi felt the same. he wanted to be with kai always. he never wanted to lose him again. the two had lost each other many times, but never again. they would stay together. they belonged together. they were soulmates, and nothing would tear them apart again. “t-toshiki-kun…” his voice cracked. he was overwhelmed with emotions. will you marry me? after kai said that, the tears started to fall. he practically jumped forward to hug kai, causing kai to fall backwards with aichi on top of him. aichi hadn’t meant to do that, but he was just so happy. he laughed as he pushed himself up a little, looking down at kai with a bright smile. “yes–yes of course i’ll marry you! i want to. i want to be with you forever.” he leaned down and kissed kai, once, twice, then began peppering kisses all over his face. “i love you.” he said over and over. “my husband, my toshiki-kun, i love you so, so much.”

                                   he didn’t expect aichi to start crying. he wondered if he was taking this too fast. he thought there was a good chance aichi would say yes, but he didn’t want to pressure him -- “ aichi -- ” but before he could go further down that train of thought, kai was on the ground. the box slipped from his hand. he hoped the ring didn’t fall out. the box was open, after all. it couldn’t have gone far with only the two of them in aichi’s tiny dorm, at least. 

                                            kai didn’t bother worrying about the ring for long. he could only stare at aichi. he was so beautiful when he laughed and smiled like that. looking up at aichi like this was like staring at an angel from the heavens. he didn’t deserve to look at such a bright light, but here he was. proposing to him. and aichi was saying yes. aichi was saying yes. aichi said yes. kai couldn’t stop the smile from stretching across his face. he smiled so wide it hurt. he hadn’t felt like this since he was a kid. he had forgotten what this kind of elation felt like. 

“toshiki-kun…” he really had planned this. kai seemed to be calm and collected, while aichi’s face was burning. it wasn’t fair at all! kai’s eyes on him didn’t help either. he just felt more flustered. his roommate leaving earlier must have been intentional too. had kai gotten into contact with him beforehand? did he want aichi alone for awhile? it was always nice to have alone time with kai, but he had to wonder what prompted all of this. it was so much. 

“oh right…the tag.” he looked at it, and his eyebrows raised. “108?!” he looked up at kai in shock. that was far too many. why did he get that much? he felt like he heard the number having some sort of significance, but he couldn’t remember what it was. it felt like too exact a number to be nothing, but he wasn’t able to pinpoint what it meant. well, he should look at the note too. he gently set down the bouquet and opened the note. …huh? “look…down…?” 

                                  “ yeah, 108. it’s a significant number for roses. ” kai had spent a lot of time researching on how to propose. he wasn’t good at dealing with feelings. he never got to properly mourn his parents’ deaths, and dealing with his uncle, then the guilt of causing ren torment had made him unable to deal with his own emotions. he was trapped under the weight of guilt. he never thought he would get to this moment. that was why it had to be perfect. he had to show aichi just how much light he had shown kai ( well, he could never match that, but he could try. ) 

kai seemed to be dancing around the topic as well. they were both bad at this. kai looked so adorable… he almost wanted to kiss him right now, but he held back. he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable after all. he shifted his position so he was sitting upright, and scratched the back of his head. he was feeling a bit restless.

“well uh, yeah i have–!” he let out an awkward laugh. this was tough. perhaps he should stop beating around the bush and outright ask, but he was far to nervous to.  he opted to continue being vague about it “i was just wondering if you do too. i’m just curious.” well that wasn’t a lie at least. “or if, like, you had anyone you wanted to kiss, you know?” 

@dracoverlord (from here) 

                                    “ me? ” kai exclaimed. did miwa think kai thought about kissing people? well, he’d thought about kissing miwa, especially recently, and he definitely thought about holding ibuki’s hand when they were kids, but he never told miwa any of that! he knew that their relationship was beginning to move out of friendship and into something more, but because miwa hadn’t said anything, he figured he didn’t want it to mean anything. kai could learn to be okay with that, because he above all else, he wanted to be miwa’s friend. he was scared of crossing the boundary and losing his best friend.

                                             so, instead of telling the truth, he started rambling. he couldn’t lie to miwa, but he could try and move the topic somewhere else. “ mom and dad like to tease me about how i’ve never dated anyone, but we’re still teenagers, y’know? i think it’s fine to take our time. ” he didn’t want miwa to think he was disinterested, though. what if miwa was into him and kai saying that made him think kai didn’t like him? “ b - but i wouldn’t be against it, though! kissing someone ... or like, being a boyfriend ... ” 

                                    aichi’s face was flushed, holding the flowers in his hands, and he had such a soft smile. aichi looked so cute like this, kai momentarily forgot what the purpose of this was. he tried to seem as unaffected as possible. he didn’t want to ruin the surprise. it wasn’t very likely aichi would know the significance of the number of flowers, but he didn’t want to give the meaning away right away. he wanted this to be perfect.

                                            “ well, i hope you don’t have anyone else that would send you a bouquet of roses. ” of course, there was no one else who would send them but kai. kai and aichi hadn’t been hiding their relationship. kai just wanted to tease aichi a bit. he wanted to enjoy this moment for as long as possible. he moved over to sit on the edge of the bed, eyes not leaving aichi for a moment. “ i wonder how many there are. you should check the tag. ” on the tag would be the listing for red roses -- 108 of them, and kai’s note -- simply written, ‘ look down. ’ hopefully aichi would take a moment to read the note so kai could move into action.

                                    kai was used to miwa being affectionate with him. they had gotten more affectionate with each other lately. they were like a couple by now, except neither of them confessed. kai was afraid to properly confess. he thought miwa would reject him. he didn’t want to ruin their friendship, or whatever it was they had now. he treasured miwa’s friendship, and loved the fluttery feelings in his chest whenever they were together. he didn’t want it to end. 

even if kai didn’t say much, aichi knew what he meant. he thought he was hurting aichi. it hurt his heart that kai thought he was hurting him by just being here. he stepped around kai so he could be in front of him, and hugged him once more, tighter this time. “i’m going to be okay. you’re not a bad person.” he wondered if he had dreamt about what happened with psyqualia, or perhaps the reversed incident. kai had hurt him during those times, but aichi forgave him. aichi would keep forgiving him. he would keep reaching out to him again and again, no matter what.

“toshiki-kun, i love you. i don’t want to lose you.” he almost lost him once, and would never let that happen again. they were staying together. “we can get through anything together. it’ll be okay. i’ll be okay. really.” he pulled away from the embrace so he could look up at him. “we’re soulmates. you said it yourself, right? so please, don’t go.” 

                                   aichi was using his own words back at him. kai had believed them when he said them. did he believe them now? wasn’t there always something in the back of his mind telling him that he was speaking lies, that someone like him couldn’t have a mate or soulmate? he thought he had grown since he had rejected the world. but maybe that wasn’t it. maybe, even if he had, that didn’t change how the world saw him. and because of that nature, no matter what he did, he would never live through a punishment proper enough to atone for his sins. he didn’t want to drag anyone else down with him, especially not aichi. 

aichi woke up suddenly when he heard kai shout. what was wrong? he said his name, right…? he thought so. did kai have a nightmare? “toshiki-kun…?” he reached out to him, but kai was already getting up. he seemed shaken up about whatever had happened. the two had been through a lot, so it was natural kai had nightmares. aichi did as well, though he tried to keep them to himself sometimes. he knew how much kai blamed himself for things that happened in the past. he didn’t want to add to the guilt. 

he stood up and walked up to kai, wrapping his arms around him from behind. he wouldn’t let him go. kai shouldn’t be alone right now. “toshiki-kun…don’t go. i don’t know what you dreamt about, but it wasn’t real. it was just a dream.” it was okay. they were okay. “you said my name, right? i’m here. i’m okay. so please, don’t go.” kai was probably thinking he would be better off without him. he knew the way kai’s mind worked (after all, he had the same thoughts sometimes). “i’m right here.”

@dracoverlord (from here)

                                   when aichi touched kai, he almost shoved him away. he held back the urge. even if being near aichi felt like he was cursing him, he didn’t want to hurt him either. he took a breath before gently pulling aichi’s arms off of him. he couldn’t be this close to aichi. it was one thing that they were even in a room, a home together. kai was already too attached, but he had to rip the bandaid off. he didn’t want to wait until it was too late.  

                                  kai watched aichi cry out in pain and fall to the ground. he wanted to be the one to fight link joker, but he didn’t actually expect aichi to lose. he crossed the distance over to aichi, not caring about what link joker was saying or the state of the world. he knew he was going to usher in the world’s end, but seeing aichi die wasn’t a part of that. his empty heart stung with stabbing pain. “ aichi, stay with me -- ” he pleaded, gripping aichi’s weakening body. “ don’t go away, aichi -- ”