good and evil reside within your blade.

                                   “ … speaking to you …? ” kai was baffled. he’d never heard anything like that before. when his mom taught him to cook, she’d never mentioned anything so outlandish. he’d remember it ( it was a memory from this life, after all ). ren’s reassurance only made kai more uneasy. kai trusted ren, but his actions right now didn’t follow any sort of logic that would make him trustworthy. he hated not to trust his friend, but he didn’t have a choice. 

                                             he wondered who ren was talking about. ren kept doing things like that – rambling as if kai could keep up with him. maybe the real kai would have been able to, but he couldn’t. he didn’t remember anything from that life that would supply any context. he had no choice but to drop it for the more pressing matter in front of him. “ maybe you should go sit down. i’ve made curry with my mom before, so i know how to do it … ” he wasn’t super confident in his ability to cook, but he would be able to make something decent. something less terrifying than what he was looking at now, definitely. 

“no!! i know what i’m doing!” ren was being stubborn, much like a child. he wanted to make something for kai! and he really could do this. he had cooked like this before and it came out fine. nevermind the mess he created, at least things ended up good in the end! “you should trust me! friends are supposed to trust each other, kaiiiiii!” kai was so mean to him! it wasn’t fair! he hadn’t given kai any reason to distrust him. at least not yet. 

“kaiiiii--” ren pouted when kai tried to intervene. he knew what he was doing! he had done this countless times. “the ingredients are speaking to me. they’re telling me to cook them this way. i know what to do!!” kai didn’t remember that ren had done this before. it was a shame, really. he doubted him back then, too. but he proved him wrong, and he was going to do so again! “it’ll work out fine! don’t you trust me? you trust me, right? i haven’t led you wrong before!” this was a little bit of a lie, perhaps, but he was referring to this world specifically. he hadn’t done anything bad yet. “my way of cooking is special, but it works! a-chan would able to tell you! she’s not here right now though...” he missed her. he missed tetsu too. after this was all done, he would be able to see him again. he looked forward to that. “anyways, i can do it!!! really!!!”

                                    kai had saved aichi before. he opened up his world by giving him blaster blade. kai frowned. that never happened to him in this life. was that the root of aichi’s suffering? were kai and aichi that important to each other? kai felt guilt settle like a rock in his stomach. he knew he couldn’t help what happened, but to think that his life was so important to another person’s, and that that person was doing so much for the claim that he would simply be happy … kai didn’t like it one bit. 

                                             “ i understand. this is more than i could have asked for, really. ” emi, shuka, and suiko probably didn’t know him well if it at all, and he could understand that. but they knew more about what was going on than he did. suiko had refused to give him any answers. he felt like he was just being pulled along by the whims of strangers. without warning, kai pulled ren into a hug, holding him tightly. he missed having someone he could rely on. he left his parents behind, miwa was trying to bring kai to ‘ sanctuary, ’ ibuki was gone, and he couldn’t bring himself to really trust the others. this loneliness should have felt new to him, but it didn’t. it was a deep ache that felt somehow normal. he was so grateful for the relief that ren brought him. 

                                                “ thank you so much. ” his voice cracked with tears threatening to fall again. before he could catch it, his stance became vacant and his voice took on a deeper, more serious quality. “ i’m sorry i left you behind again, even though i promised myself i wouldn’t. i didn’t want to, but that’s no excuse. i should’ve been stronger. ” 

                                          kai blinked. “ what was that …? ” he pulled away from the hug to hold his head. it started aching again. “ did i say something weird …? that’s been happening more often lately, sorry … ” he was apologizing to ren a lot. he felt like he needed to for some reason. he met ren’s eyes when he started talking about ibuki, and frowned at the nonchalance in his voice. “ … ah, ibuki … aichi just opened up a hole in the ground and he fell in. i was there when it happened. ” he tried not to think too hard about it. he didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that ibuki could be dead. he had only just reunited with him. kai sighed. “ so you don’t know where he went …? i didn’t tell the others, because they care about ibuki, too, but … what if something awful happened to him? he’s one of my closest friends … i’ve known him since we were kids … ”

ren was taken off guard by kai’s hug, and even moreso by his apology. deep down, he still felt guilty over the past, didn’t he? that was just like him. ren melted into the hug, closing his eyes for a few moments. “it’s in the past. i forgive you. it’s okay, kai.” he wasn’t upset with him about all that anymore. they had reconciled and were friends again. ren just wanted kai in his life again. he wanted to be apart of kai’s life. even if kai didn’t know what he was saying, he still cared about ren. it made him happy. 

“it’s not weird...your memories are still vague, that’s it.” he reached to rub his back, hoping it could help ease his pain or at least distract him a bit from it. “suiko-san told me about what happened to bukki...i wouldn’t have expected that to happen. aichi-kun is really serious about keeping us away from you. i wonder if he’s the one that sent us away....” he mused quietly to himself. it would make sense if aichi somehow was able to send he and rekka away. he wanted them out of the picture. he wanted to break the group up.

“sorry, i don’t know where he is. bukki has talked about how important you and miwa-kun are to him. but i heard things didn’t end up too good about him either...” he wondered why someone like miwa was working with aichi anyways. he didn’t know a lot about him, but he knew how loyal he was to kai. the fact that he was opposing him now seemed unthinkable. “we can figure out what happened with both of them!” he took kai’s hands into his own. “bukki’s alive, for sure! he wouldn’t die that easily!” he didn’t want to think ibuki was dead. 

                                       kai couldn’t help but lean into ren’s touch. of course, he couldn’t recall if he’d ever been so close to ren before, but it felt right. after ren explained who he was, even if the flashes of incomplete memories were painful, the discomfort of being around him melted completely away. just like he trusted ibuki, he could trust ren. he needed people he could trust. he didn’t even have miwa anymore. “ i don’t remember much. ” he truly felt like ren was on his side. he could be open with him about this. maybe he could help. he already remembered a little more from being with him. “ it comes in flashes, but nothing that … tangible. sorry, that doesn’t make much sense. ” swallowing a sob, he softly added, “ … i remember his smile. ”

                                                 his heart felt warm at ren’s description. he couldn’t recall the way aichi acted, or how aichi spoke to him, but hearing that kai was irreplaceable to aichi warmed his soul in a way it never felt before. it ignited his spirit even more to help aichi. he couldn’t let aichi carry his burden alone, whatever it was. he was going to find out what was wrong and help him. he hated seeing aichi with such a pained face.

                                                  “ … i saved him? ” kai didn’t remember anything like that. that didn’t sound familiar to him at all. he wondered what aichi meant by that. “ love … ? s - soulmates? ” kai felt his face heat up. he had never been in love. he had crushes on ibuki and miwa in the past, but nothing strong enough as love. maybe that was why he felt so drawn to aichi. still, it was embarrassing. he couldn’t think about that right now, his already fragile heart couldn’t take it. he had to focus on what was more important. “ ren … do you think i can save him again? he’s in so much pain, and he doesn’t want me to play vanguard, and he doesn’t want me to be with him. he wants me to be happy … but i can’t be happy knowing he’s in pain. can someone like me … really save him? ” 

                                                    he felt so lost and helpless. he didn’t have anyone he could rely on. he wanted guidance from someone that could help, but everyone who knew anything about him was gone or didn’t want to tell him. they just wanted to pull his strings around without cluing him in on anything. but he didn’t feel that way with ren. maybe he and ren really were as close as he felt they were.

“you saved him by giving him blaster blade. he had a really rough life...but you helped him. you saved him. you were the one that brought color to his life.” he repeated words that aichi told him himself. “you changed his life, you opened up his world, kai.” kai was the most important person to aichi. he meant everything to him. he wanted to see the two of them together again. it wasn’t right that they were separated like this. even if aichi locked himself in sanctuary, ren knew he wanted to be with kai. of course he would want to be. and kai wanted to be with aichi, even if he didn’t know the extent of that desire quite yet. 

“he’s suffering a lot right now, i’ve heard that too...i don’t really know what’s going on with that. i don’t have all the answers pertaining to this world.” he was apologizing for his lack of knowledge. he wished he could provide more. he wished he knew what aichi was doing. he only had partial knowledge. he knew kai must be clamoring for any piece of information he could get his hands on. “but i do think you can save him. something tells me you’ve saved him a number of times, actually." had such things really happened before? as far as his memories go, he couldn’t recall much. perhaps he had latent memories of other worlds as well.

                                   even this person knew more about kai than kai himself. it was discouraging. even if he wasn’t sure if this person was trustworthy, at least he was more open than the others. if only ibuki – “ bukki? ” he’d never heard anyone call ibuki anything except his surname. this person truly went by the beat of his own drum. he briefly wondered how ibuki reacted to such a nickname, then realized that wasn’t important right now. somehow, he felt comfortable and uncomfortable around this person at the same time.

                                           he hated how this person had all the control in this situation. kai had no choice but to sit next to him. “ … suzugamori ren? ” kai’s head started to pound. a series of images passed through his mind, but he couldn’t figure out what they were, except that they were definitely about the person in front of him. he felt his heart seize up. he had forgotten someone else important to him. he couldn’t even focus on ren’s words or his attitude, just the images of him and ren from his other life that he couldn’t completely make out.

                                            “ y - you know aichi? ” he forced himself to look back at ren. he wasn’t even aware of the tears streaming down his face, or how his breathing was becoming uneven. “ m - my precious – aichi and i … wh - what do you know about aichi? ”

ren wondered if he had triggered memories in kai. it looked like he was in pain...his smile fell, and he reached out touch him, but stopped because he worried he might make it worse. that was the last thing he wanted. still, he wanted to help. he hated seeing kai hurting like this. he didn’t think this would happen, but in hindsight, perhaps he should have realized how painful the process of regaining memories would be. but kai wanted to remember...should he stop him from doing that? even if it was painful, wasn’t it better to know things than be left in the dark?

“of course. aichi-kun and i are really good friends too.” he smiled a little again. of course the conversation would revolve around aichi. it was just like kai to be focused on that. even without his memories, aichi was so important to him. ren reached out to wipe away his tears. “i know lots about aichi-kun. the way he is now...he’s usually not like that. you must have remembered a little about him, right? he’s usually more shy and soft-spoken. it’s really cute. actually, how he normally acts is similar to how you are right now. it’s almost like you swapped personalities.” he found it rather amusing that such a thing happened. 

                                     kai gasped at the stranger suddenly grabbing his wrist. this felt dangerous. he claimed to know about him, and he wasn’t wrong about kai not having memories about his other life, but … what if he was lying? what if the stranger had some sort of ulterior motive? his gut was telling him that wasn’t the case, but the way he was acting and kai’s common sense told him otherwise. “ you’re not gonna bite … do you know how suspicious that sounds? ” despite that, sarcasm slipped out of his mouth as if it was natural to banter with this person. kai immediately felt guilty, even if he wasn’t certain about the stranger’s intentions. “ ah, sorry, i didn’t mean to be so rude …! ”

                                              kai narrowed his eyebrows. this person must be acquainted with ibuki’s friends. they were probably trying to help. he just wished he could have some sort of privacy. he hated how the girls wanted to make decisions for him, but wouldn’t even tell him what he needed to know. there was only so much they could tell him, since they didn’t know him like ibuki did, but still … he couldn’t feel comfortable around them. that feeling extended to this suspicious acting person, even if there was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind ( from his other life? ) that he couldn’t shake. “ i’m trying to find out more on my own. ” the odd feeling only grew more and more uncomfortable the more he spoke with this person. “ who … who are you? were we close …? ” then, something dawned on him. his eyes flickered with hope. “ do you know sendou aichi? ”

“ah! you really are kai! even if you apologized.” ren couldn’t help but giggle. he could see some of the kai he knew in him. it was strange to be talking to him like this. this kai seemed so different. “you’re so polite and cute now~” it was adorable, really. he spoke so softly. ren wasn’t used to it at all. “maybe i should’ve bought bukki along, then you’d listen more. but i guess this is just like you, too!” perhaps he hadn’t changed that much. kai was kai, no matter what. 

kai really didn’t remember him. he had expected this, but it still made him a little sad. he heard that kai had uttered aichi’s name before, so he wondered if he would be able to jog kai’s memory about him, too. perhaps it was wishful thinking. still, he wanted to try. he didn’t want kai to completely forget about him. he wanted kai to remember him. he wanted to be part of kai’s life again. “no, you can’t!” even though kai hadn’t moved yet, ren grabbed his wrist to stop him from going anywhere. “i wanna talk to you a bit longer, okay? i’m not gonna bite you or anything!!” 

kai seemed to be nervous...afraid even. in a way, it reminded him of the way he was back when they were kids and he had succumb to psyqualia. kai had been afraid of him, and rejected him back then. he knew this wasn’t like that--it definitely wasn’t the same thing--but ren still found himself feeling a bit hurt. “do you even have anywhere to be? aren’t you just going around trying to remember stuff?” he heard from the girls that he had gone off on his own, so he figured he was doing something like that. “don’t you wanna know more?”

                                  kai sighed. of course ren was being his typical self. he was even worse when he was excited. kai missed it, though. he missed seeing ren like this in person. not that he was going to admit that much. he didn’t want to enable ren even more. he’d feel bad for the people around ren ( including himself, for once ).

                                          “ psyqualia cooking is enough. let’s not add any more power to it. ” it took kai forever to get used to psyqualia’s normal effects. it was something that traumatized him and lead to both ren and aichi getting hurt, even if they both ended up stronger for it. he preferred not to think much about psyqualia much, even now. but he could understand the better aspects of it now. psyqualia cooking was … supposedly one of them, but not to kai. psyqualia transportation was likely the same. he didn’t want to imagine that possibility. “ we should talk to tetsu and asaka while you’re here. i hope you didn’t put too much work on them. ” he probably did, and with little warning, too. he’d have to apologize to them both. it was a good excuse to catch up with the two of them, in any case.

                                             kai shivered at the kisses on his neck. he tried not to giggle, and it resulted in a breathy laugh. he wanted to tell ren not to tease him, but he couldn’t help being happy about it. he missed ren. he missed being able to hug and kiss him all the time. he wanted to take advantage of the time they had together. “ you want me to carry you? ” kai asked. it was a rhetorical question. that was all the warning he gave before carrying him bridal style like ren suggested. he hummed the western bridal march song softly whilst walking back to his room. it was too embarrassing to risk gaillard hearing, but he did want ren to hear.

“boo, you’re no fun, kai.” he stuck his tongue out for a moment. though he knew kai didn’t like psyqualia much--considering the effect it had on both himself and aichi in the past. when he thought about that time of his life, ren felt guilty. he hurt so many people, kai being one of the ones he hurt most. he couldn’t blame that wholly on psyqualia, because he was the one who did it. the way he acted wasn’t some other person possessing him, but a part of him that existed. he had long since accepted that. there were darker aspects to himself, but that wasn’t all he was. 

“nooo, tecchan is gonna scold me if we do! you gotta call him yourself!” he left on pretty short notice, before tetsu could stop him or get on him about it. he knew the second he talked to him again, tetsu wouldn’t let him hear the end of it. but he did miss both of them already and wanted to talk to hem again...so he would have to deal with tesu’s wrath sooner or later. well he’d cross that bridge when hey got to it.

                                     “ no, i didn’t miss you at all, which is why i’m clinging to you right now. ” kai said flatly. ren just wanted attention. kai could give him that, but it was embarrassing. he wasn’t good at being honest with his feelings, especially when ren liked to tease him. 

                                              gaillard and kai may have gotten off on a rough start ( which was expected due to kai’s actions ), gaillard had turned out to be a really caring roommate to kai. it was surprising that gaillard was able to forgive him and even try to befriend him. kai would accept any forgiveness he could get, even if he felt like he didn’t deserve it. aichi had taught him that a life spent with others was better than a life without them, no matter what he did or didn’t deserve. “ i’ll have to thank gaillard later. he didn’t have to do all of that. ” he wondered how gaillard survived the drive back when he wasn’t used to ren like kai was. maybe he should get him a present.

                                              “ i’m glad you’re here. ” kai softened again. it was easy to poke fun at ren, but he didn’t feel like doing that right now. he wanted to cuddle up with him on the couch or on the bed or anywhere, really. he didn’t care what they did, he just wanted to be with ren and enjoy his company. it had been so long since he could see him so close, since he could touch him. “ come inside already. ” but kai wasn’t making any move to let him do that.

“gaigai’s a lot like you! you’re both super serious. it’s fun to mess with him!” maybe he shouldn’t have done that when gaillard was helping him so much, but he couldn’t resist. besides, he made sure to thank him too. so it was probably fine. some people were just too easy to tease, and ren would take full advantage of it. 

“i’m happy to be here! the flight was loooong and boring, i just wanted to teleport to your house! wouldn’t it be neat it psyqualia had that kind of power? then i could really come visit whenever i want!” unfortunately psyqualia was solely tied to cards and planet cray. no teleporting powers for ren. “oh, oh, also tecchan and a-chan say hi! they’re taking care of unisan while i’m gone!” the two already took care of the branch enough even when he was present. ren was happy to have the two of them. 

                                 ren’s reply was even more concerning. when he acted like this, it was usually something big. he hoped tetsu or ibuki didn’t have to clean up a huge mess of ren’s. or, even worse, he hoped he wouldn’t have to. the perks of being ren’s boyfriend, he supposed.

                                         a delivery? well, at least someone else wouldn’t have to clean up ren’s mess – if he got to it before gaillard, that was. speaking of, as kai was walking to the front door, he saw gaillard walk through the hallway with a smirk on his face. something was going on with him, too. gaillard was a fan of messing with kai, as well, so he wondered if the two things were connected ( that would be praiseworthy on ren’s part, given they were in different countries ), or if kai was just extremely unlucky today. after greeting gaillard, kai went to go outside to check if he’d gotten any packages.

                                          when he opened the door, he wasn’t met with a package, but … “ – ren. ” kai spoke his name breathlessly. he felt a bit guilty for thinking all those things about ren, but it wasn’t as if they were unfounded theories. ren had gone out of his way to visit him in france as a surprise. it was a very ren thing to do … and a very kind thing, too, and much needed. he missed his boyfriend so much, and was becoming lonely only seeing him and the others on his computer screen. without any warning, even to himself, he pulled ren in and hugged him tightly.

                                          “ ren … ” he repeated softly. “ it’s been too long. ”

after he sent the text, ren put his phone away. he pulled a small peel-and-stick present bow out of his pants pocket and stuck it on his chest. he thought it was a good idea! while he waited for kai to find him, he rocked back and forth on his heels, humming a happy tune. he was so excited to see his boyfriend again. he missed him greatly.

when kai finally opened the door, ren grinned, “surprise!!” he threw his hands up. he was so glad to see kai’s face up close and in person after months of them being apart. it was so much better than video calling and texting. “hehe, i bet you didn’t expe--” ren was cut off when kai pulled ren into a warm embrace. ren practically melted, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling into his shoulder. 

when ren read kai’s response, he pouted. how mean! he had come all the way here, and kai was saying this! well, he supposed kai didn’t know he had done so yet. but his surprises were fun! they always were. kai was just no fun! 

[msg]: booo you’re so mean kaiiiii  ｡･ﾟﾟ*(>д<)*ﾟﾟ･｡

[msg]: it’s something extra special!!!

just a couple of minutes after he sent the texts, they pulled in the driveway. ren let gaillard go in first, waiting in the car momentarily. shortly after, he grabbed his suitcase and walked up to the door, pulling his phone out to send a couple more texts.

[msg]:i sent you something!! 

[msg]: you should check to see if it got delivered! (o^▽^o)

im gonna get you

                                        leon tensed more the longer ren spoke. he felt his heartbeat pick up tremendously. why was ren doing this to him? saying all the things leon wanted to hear. validating leon’s own feelings that he’d come dangerously close to admitting. unless this was a ploy, too. but ren’s face was completely serious. remorseful, even. did ren actually mean what he was saying? leon didn’t know. he was too distrustful, too self-conscious. no one could truly like him in such a way, and he couldn’t trust anyone that much when he had his clan to look after ( he was too young to be so cynical ). 

                                                      “ … thank you, ren … but it’s not like i’ve been innocent, either. ” he forced out. ren hadn’t been the only one initiating these encounters; there had been a fair share of times when leon had kissed ren first. but his feelings kept festering and they were going to explode. he had to push ren away so leon couldn’t ruin him, or his clan, or himself again. 

                                                       leon seemed to deflate then, knowing what he had to do next. this was where all their flirting had to stop, where everything had to end. he couldn’t keep messing around with ren. it was dangerous. whether or not ren realized it, leon was wrapped around his finger. somewhere along the line, he had fallen hard for the enigma that was suzugamori ren. but his title, his responsibilities, his job, the hope of his people– they all told him to break his own heart.

                                                      “ i … i have feelings for you. feelings that i can’t have. ” he tried to smile, but it was forced, bitter with the words it was about to form. “ i want to be with you … i’ve wanted to be with you. but i can’t. it’s too painful to go on like this, but it’s too painful to let go. i’m the one who should be sorry, really. i’m sorry i took this out on you. you should … go home, get as far away from me as possible, so you can be with someone that doesn’t come with … all of this. i know that the real me is not someone that you want to deal with. ”

                               despite leon reciprocating his feelings, ren’s stomach was in knots. leon’s words made his heart race, but also felt like it was being stabbed. while ren had expected something like this to happen--leon saying they can’t be together--he hadn’t thought it would be like this. the fact that leon felt the same just made this hurt all the more. 

                                but he didn’t want things to end like this. he couldn’t let things end like this. “don’t...don’t say that--!” he dared to step closer to leon, closing the distance between them and pulling him into a hug. “if that were true, i wouldn’t be here. i wouldn’t keep coming here.” he had seen the real leon time and time again. leon let his guard down around ren, let himself be vulnerable. 

                                “i fell in love with you, souryu leon.” he pulls away from the hug so he can look at leon face-to-face. “and i don’t want to lose you. i can’t stand that thought.” simply rejecting him would hurt less than this. “i want to be with you. i want to be by your side.” he had been afraid to speak up before, afraid of ruining whatever this was between them.

                                  leon stood frozen in place, hands clenched at his sides, nails digging into the palms of his hands. calm down, calm down, calm down. you can’t lose your composure any more than you already have. no matter how angry he was at ren for being so nonchalant, he didn’t want to hurt him. he wanted the opposite. he wanted to hug him and kiss him– which was the problem. ren didn’t want that– not in the way leon did. why would he? leon was a mess, barely holding onto pieces of himself while he tried to shoulder the burdens of his clan. it wasn’t fair that ren could just do that, then apologize like he’d accidentally stepped on his foot and have it all be fine. it was never like that for him, always walking a tightrope to make sure he said the right thing, did the right thing, kept the illusion legacy of the souryu child, kept his clan from falling into insignificance again. 

                                                   “ why … why do you insist on doing these things to me? holding me and kissing me and teasing me like we’re lovers. do you use everyone else as your plaything, or is it just me? …   ” he spoke through clenched teeth, forcing himself to keep is tone level. “ i’m tired of being disrespected, being seen as an object, being put on a pedestal … i thought you respected me as an equal, but you just keep doing things like this, and what else am i supposed to think? i - it’s always … it’s always a joke to you, or something we just never talk about anymore … do you even like me? ”

                                                        leon turned to face ren, ignoring the tears that burned his eyes. the wind had completely stopped. “ i’m not a toy. i’m the souryu child. i’m leon souryu! a - and if you don’t like me, then fine, just please stop twisting my heart like this! i can’t take it anymore! ”

                                  when leon spoke, ren opened his mouth to answer, but stopped himself. he shouldn’t interrupt him. as much as he wanted to interject, leon deserved to speak his mind. it seemed he had been holding this back for quite some time after all. it hurt to hear leon say these things, hurt that he made leon feel this way when it wasn’t his intention. he constantly pushed boundaries, he was never one for personal space after all, but he was even more careless with leon. he liked leon, and let himself be more affectionate with him. he thought it was fine.

                                     he liked to tease leon too, but he never meant it as a way to hurt him. he just never knew how to say his feelings. leon had so much responsibility. he had so much he had to do, so a relationship was probably urealistic. instead he pushed his luck with all of this until it boiled over. that was all his fault. 

                                       when he saw leon’s face, his heart ached even more. it really was horrible of him to act this way. he wanted to reach out and wipe his tears away, but he stood still. he didn’t want to make anything worse. “i do like you.” his voice is soft. “i don’t do this with other people...and i know you’re not a plaything.” but he had made leon feel as much. “you’re important to me. someone i don’t want to lose. i didn’t realize how you felt...”