i miss you kai-kun

                                  “ yeah, 108. it’s a significant number for roses. ” kai had spent a lot of time researching on how to propose. he wasn’t good at dealing with feelings. he never got to properly mourn his parents’ deaths, and dealing with his uncle, then the guilt of causing ren torment had made him unable to deal with his own emotions. he was trapped under the weight of guilt. he never thought he would get to this moment. that was why it had to be perfect. he had to show aichi just how much light he had shown kai ( well, he could never match that, but he could try. ) 

                                           in the few moments aichi took to read the tag, kai moved off the bed and onto his knee. it was difficult to do that so quickly, but he managed without tripping. kai couldn’t fit the ring box in his pocket, so he brought a fanny pack with him. the box wouldn’t be noticeable there, and all kai had to do was brush off aichi’s teasing. it worked perfectly. he unzipped the pack and pulled out the box from it, opening the box and holding it up for aichi to see. “ sendou aichi … ” kai started, because that was how he’d seen it in the multitude of videos he watched. he proceeded to forget what came next. this was nerve-wracking, especially because it was so spontaneous. “ … i know we said we’d wait to seriously talk about marriage until you graduated, and we were in a more stable financial position, but … i keep thinking about my life where i don’t see you every day, and i know it’s just because you’re in school, and it’s temporary, but — i think about back then, too, and i … well, i can’t have a world without you, aichi. i can’t wait anymore. i want to spend all my days … my whole life with you. ” he laid all his anxieties and thoughts bare to aichi. it was something he so rarely did. with a clearer head, he remembered what he wanted to say. “ that’s what those roses mean. having given you 108 red roses, i’m asking you … ‘ will you marry me? ’ ”

when aichi did look down, he saw kai was on one knee. immediately, aichi’s heart started racing. was this what he thought it was? but the two of them agreed that they would discuss marriage after graduation. still, secretly, aichi wished to talk about it sooner. he had known for a long time that he wanted to marry kai. he wanted to spend every day with him, and daydreamed about a life together with him. he never shared such things though. it was embarrassing and he didn’t want to pressure kai into anything after all. but now...it seemed like kai was proposing. he never could have seen this coming. 

                                    aichi’s face was flushed, holding the flowers in his hands, and he had such a soft smile. aichi looked so cute like this, kai momentarily forgot what the purpose of this was. he tried to seem as unaffected as possible. he didn’t want to ruin the surprise. it wasn’t very likely aichi would know the significance of the number of flowers, but he didn’t want to give the meaning away right away. he wanted this to be perfect.

                                            “ well, i hope you don’t have anyone else that would send you a bouquet of roses. ” of course, there was no one else who would send them but kai. kai and aichi hadn’t been hiding their relationship. kai just wanted to tease aichi a bit. he wanted to enjoy this moment for as long as possible. he moved over to sit on the edge of the bed, eyes not leaving aichi for a moment. “ i wonder how many there are. you should check the tag. ” on the tag would be the listing for red roses – 108 of them, and kai’s note – simply written, ‘ look down. ’ hopefully aichi would take a moment to read the note so kai could move into action.

@blasterblades​

"toshiki-kun...” he really had planned this. kai seemed to be calm and collected, while aichi’s face was burning. it wasn’t fair at all! kai’s eyes on him didn’t help either. he just felt more flustered. his roommate leaving earlier must have been intentional too. had kai gotten into contact with him beforehand? did he want aichi alone for awhile? it was always nice to have alone time with kai, but he had to wonder what prompted all of this. it was so much. 

when aichi’s roommate left earlier in the day, aichi didn’t chalk it up to much. however, he found it suspicious how kai showed up shortly after his roommate was gone. could it be a coincidence? he wasn’t sure. well, he was always happy to see his boyfriend. they had been relaxing together, cuddled up on aichi’s bed for the past few hours. it was nice. he was letting himself have a break for once.

                                   aichi was using his own words back at him. kai had believed them when he said them. did he believe them now? wasn’t there always something in the back of his mind telling him that he was speaking lies, that someone like him couldn’t have a mate or soulmate? he thought he had grown since he had rejected the world. but maybe that wasn’t it. maybe, even if he had, that didn’t change how the world saw him. and because of that nature, no matter what he did, he would never live through a punishment proper enough to atone for his sins. he didn’t want to drag anyone else down with him, especially not aichi. 

                                            “ yeah … yeah, we are. ” kai was certain of that, but his voice cracked. he was still crying over that vision of aichi slipping from his fingertips. because of him. aichi’s arms around him terrified kai. he could see the lock around aichi’s neck. kai stumbled backwards and onto the floor. he didn’t notice enough to care. “ but … but, i’m your soulmate. you know what that means for you. you’ve felt the consequences of that. you may have faith in me, and you may want to stay with me no matter the cost, but … the cost is too great for me. i’m selfish, and i don’t want to see you hurt for my sake. ” kai tried to speak his mind calmly, as if this was a logical decision, but he didn’t realize the way his voice was shaking alongside his hands, and his breathing starting to come in gasps. he was in no condition to leave their home, but he had to. for aichi’s sake. but from his spot on the ground, he knew he couldn’t get around him ( maybe he didn’t want to try ). he couldn’t even hold back his tears. he was a miserable excuse for a boyfriend, for a person.

aichi wished he could make kai’s fears disappear. it hurt to see him fall apart right in front of him. he wished he was able to say the right thing--do the right thing. but he knew that wasn’t always enough. sometimes even hearing all the right things didn’t ease one’s pain. if it was deep rooted, it wasn’t something that could just go away. logically, he knew this, but he still felt bad that he couldn’t help. he felt useless, but he wouldn’t give up. he couldn’t give up. he would keep reaching out to kai, no matter what. he promised him that after all.

                                   when aichi touched kai, he almost shoved him away. he held back the urge. even if being near aichi felt like he was cursing him, he didn’t want to hurt him either. he took a breath before gently pulling aichi’s arms off of him. he couldn’t be this close to aichi. it was one thing that they were even in a room, a home together. kai was already too attached, but he had to rip the bandaid off. he didn’t want to wait until it was too late.  

                                    “ i know. you’re okay. ” he forced himself to repeat the words, reminding himself of them. aichi was okay. he was okay for right now. he could still save aichi. he felt the poison in his veins circulating towards aichi when they touched. he didn’t want that for aichi. he didn’t understand why aichi wanted to stay with him so badly, after everything he put him through. after everything he could do to him now. “ i want you to keep being okay. ”

even if kai didn’t say much, aichi knew what he meant. he thought he was hurting aichi. it hurt his heart that kai thought he was hurting him by just being here. he stepped around kai so he could be in front of him, and hugged him once more, tighter this time. “i’m going to be okay. you’re not a bad person.” he wondered if he had dreamt about what happened with psyqualia, or perhaps the reversed incident. kai had hurt him during those times, but aichi forgave him. aichi would keep forgiving him. he would keep reaching out to him again and again, no matter what.

aichi woke up suddenly when he heard kai shout. what was wrong? he said his name, right...? he thought so. did kai have a nightmare? “toshiki-kun...?” he reached out to him, but kai was already getting up. he seemed shaken up about whatever had happened. the two had been through a lot, so it was natural kai had nightmares. aichi did as well, though he tried to keep them to himself sometimes. he knew how much kai blamed himself for things that happened in the past. he didn’t want to add to the guilt. 

he stood up and walked up to kai, wrapping his arms around him from behind. he wouldn’t let him go. kai shouldn’t be alone right now. “toshiki-kun...don’t go. i don’t know what you dreamt about, but it wasn’t real. it was just a dream.” it was okay. they were okay. “you said my name, right? i’m here. i’m okay. so please, don’t go.” kai was probably thinking he would be better off without him. he knew the way kai’s mind worked (after all, he had the same thoughts sometimes). “i’m right here.”

when gaillard became sick during his visit, aichi took care of him. he thought he would be better off in a hospital, but respected gaillard’s wish not go. for now at least. if he got worse, he would definitely take him there. it wasn’t too serious, but aichi couldn’ help but worry. he was on semester break right now, so he could focus all of his attention on taking care of gaillard. “gaillard-kun, i’m right here...” he spoke softly, sitting on a chair right beside the bed gaillard was laying on.

aichi remembered the kids from the orphanage well. he had only spent a brief amount of time with them following the reversed incident, but he liked them a lot. he was glad to have made an impact on some, helping them recover from the trauma of it. he would like to see them again sometime.

                                   "i-i’m sure they wouldn’t mind--! they like when you visit...and um...i do too...” his voice grew quieter at the end, trailing off. he felt his face start to heat up. it was embarrassing to admit such a thing aloud, but it was the truth. he wanted to spend lots of time with kai. as much as he could. 

                                    “i...i’m glad you’re back. for a bit.” that was the closest he could get to saying he missed him. quickly, grabbed kai’s hand--something he did without realizing--then turned around to start walking. “so...what’s it like in france? are you getting used to being there?” 

                               aichi was a bit surprised when kai wasn’t beside him when he woke up, but figured he was probably in the kitchen. kai often woke up before him after all. aichi crawled out of bed, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he walked to the kitchen. still no toshiki-kun. how strange. he scanned the kitchen, eyes falling onto a cake. he walked toward it, mouth agape as he saw blaster blade on top. that’s right, today was his birthday. he felt his heart swell with love. he picked up the card and opened it, a soft smile forming on his lips as he read the words. this was just like kai. he couldn’t be happier. well, he supposed one thing would make him a bit happier. 

                                he pulled out his phone, opening up a new text message.

CONTACT: ❤TOSHIKI-KUN ❤

                                aichi had been finishing the last of his assigned reading when he heard music begin to play. when he looked up from his textbook, kai’s hand was in front of him. he blinked, then looked at kai’s face. he was blushing... how cute. kai really was adorable, wasn’t he? dance with me. of course, aichi could never say no. wouldn’t dream of it. especially not when kai looked like this.

                                “kai-kun...i should be the one saying that.” he had always wanted to hear these words, and the fact that it came from kai--the person that changed him, the person that brought light into his life--made him all the more emotional. it made him happier than words could ever describe. if not for kai, aichi would be a completely different person. he didn’t even want to picture what his life would be like if they had never met. 

                                   aichi would never cease to surprise and amaze kai. he knew aichi was having a hard time figuring out what he wanted to say, but he didn’t think aichi would kiss him. not that he was complaining. he’d wanted this, even if he forced himself to force away the thought before it could form. but, once again, aichi crossed the distance, pulled kai along onto this new path. a path that kai desperately wanted but deprived himself. the kiss could hardly count as a kiss – it lasted for a second before aichi pulled away, not giving kai any time to react. but it was enough for kai to know aichi’s true feelings. and to know that kai could share his own in full truth. 

                                                   “ hey, calm down. ” kai leaned forward to put a hand on aichi’s shoulder. he didn’t want to force aichi to turn and face him or to do anything else to make him uncomfortable, but he needed aichi to know he was still there. that he wasn’t disgusted or angry like aichi thought he was. “ you’re getting ahead of yourself. i didn’t even get a chance to kiss you back. ”

                                                     kai smiled, even though aichi couldn’t see it. “ i’m sorry i didn’t say it sooner … or at all until this moment. but … ”  before he could stop himself, or think of the proper thing to say, all the feelings he’d suppressed came pouring out. “ if you would have me, i want to be your soulmate in more than just vanguard. i want to be your soulmate in life, to stand by your side, to support you and to hold you and kiss you – i … i want to be your boyfriend, sendou aichi. that is … if you’ll be mine. ”

                                “i...w-what?” did aichi hear him right? kai wanted to kiss him? no, that couldn’t be right. he must have misheard him. he was just hearing what he wanted to hear. he mumbled another apology, shrinking into himself further. he wished he hadn’t kissed him. that was so stupid of him. 

                                   he listened to kai as he spoke and even if he had misheard him earlier (he hadn’t), he couldn’t have done so with this many words. even still, he could barely believe what he was hearing. kai wanted to to be his boyfriend? he wanted to date him? aichi never expected to hear kai say such a thing. sure, he called aichi his soulmate, was the only one aichi wasn’t able to make forget about him, said aichi changed him and was his best friend, saved him twice, risked everything to save aichi the second time, but that didn’t mean anything. it could have all been platonic!

                                  at first, kai thought aichi was just reciprocating what kai had said – agreeing that they were in fact mates and close friends. but as aichi went on, kai couldn’t help thinking that his words weren’t exactly platonic. though, in hindsight, kai’s words weren’t exactly platonic, either. he knew how he intended those words, but he didn’t want to admit it. 

                                                 he didn’t understand how aichi could think of him as that kind of person. someone who was capable of giving others happiness and strength. kai didn’t believe it about himself – believed he was someone who could only hurt people – but he stayed because he didn’t want to resign himself to a fate where that was his only option. he could never make anyone truly happy, could never make up for his unforgivable sins, but he could at least try to do something good for the world instead of leaving it with only negative impact. no matter how he felt about himself, he couldn’t bring himself to leave his mates. not after everything they’d been through. and especially not aichi. even if aichi didn’t deserve to be pulled down to kai’s level. even if kai didn’t deserve someone as kind and strong as aichi. even so …

                                                  “ … aichi. i’m not sure what you’re trying to say – ” – or he just didn’t want to admit it – “ – and … i can’t speak for you, but … no matter what we become, we will always be mates … soulmates. you’re everything to me. ” he squeezed aichi’s hands. “ … so … you can speak to me honestly, and it won’t change my feelings for you. ”

                                 aichi felt too nervous to properly confess. he didn’t want to ruin his relationship with kai. didn’t want to make things awkward. he was scared of everything breaking if he said the wrong thing. he didn’t want to lose kai. that was the last thing he wanted. he couldn’t bear the thought of kai not being in his life--kai hating him. his stomach was in knots. he could feel his body begin to shake. he needed to change the subject. he needed to--

                                  we will always be mates...soulmates. you’re everything to me. his train of thought came to a screeching halt when he heard kai’s words. you can speak to me honestly, and it won’t change my feelings for you. kai was too kind. too perfect. aichi felt his heart race all the more. “kai-kun...” he whispered his name, words seeming to fail him. 

                                     “ who else would i be talking about? ” aichi was the only one in the room, after all, but there was no one else kai would talk to so intimately. kai felt strongly for all his mates, of course, but with aichi, it was different. aichi was his best friend and his rival before he was his mate. aichi was the one who changed him, who saved him. there meeting seemed like a chance meeting, but since then, they’d been tied together. kai refused to believe that it really was chance. no matter what punishment kai deserved for his unforgivable sins, it didn’t change the fact that he and aichi were meant to stand side by side. 

                                                       “ don’t you feel it, too? that the two of us were meant to be together. ” in what capacity, kai wasn’t sure; he wasn’t even aware of the connotations of his words. no, he was in the back of his mind, but he chose not to acknowledge it. kai had been trying hard to keep himself open to those around him so he wouldn’t fall back into old habits and even up hurting everyone again, but something like that was too much. he couldn’t be that to aichi. soulmates or not, kai knew that would only end with aichi getting hurt because of him ( again ). “ i’m drawn to you. i want to stay by your side forever. you give me strength. you make me feel whole. isn’t that what a soulmate is? ”

                                kai just might be the death of him. saying all of these things without blinking an eye, meanwhile aichi could barely even think straight. he also couldn’t help but feel his heart ache. perhaps it was selfish of him to want more than this--to want more than just friendship. did kai know that? he must have. aichi had been tripping over himself since they met again. he wasn’t subtle by any means.