SoΒ βqueerβ isnβt just an identity thatβs broadly inclusive because, I donβt know, we like big parties. Thereβs actually an underlying ethic, a queer theory, that has political implications.
Its name reclaims a slur because the pointΒ is to say,Β βI amΒ different, but thatβs not a bad thing.β The queer movement is about upholding the right of all people to deviate from an oppressive cisgender, heterosexual, patriarchal norm.Β Broadening the spectrum of acceptable diversity; questioning and dismantling the social pressures that police and punish deviance. Changing not just our own lives, but how our entire society thinks about sex and gender.
Thatβs whyΒ βqueerβ embraces so many different groups. Itβs not trying to erase their differences, but to try to coherently understand the complex overlapping pressures that affect each of them, and to extend our reach beyond the LGBT+ community. Itβs about the right of lesbians to live without men and the right of trans and nonbinary people to be who they are, the right of asexuals to define for themselves whatβs significant in their lives, the right of straight men to be vulnerable and emotional and nonviolent. When the great queering project is done, you will see the changes everywhere, not just in small LGBT+ enclaves.
Itβs recognizing that something that harms or oppresses one of us is pretty likely to harm allΒ of us, so we all benefit from taking it down together.
Did you just say emotional straight men are qu*er? Did you deadass just say that cishet men are part of the lgbt community? And yβall wonder why so many people hate it?
(sigh) Iβll repeat myself:
For everyone whoβs like βWhoa, I was with you until you threw straight men in thereβ:
Homophobia is a huge part of how all men are policed. If a man isnβt strong, tough, aggressive, and dominant? He gets called gay. So this isnβt βSoft straight men are totally LGBT+ and belong in your gay support group!β but it is βPart of the work of disassembling homophobia is changing how it affects straight men.β
Itβs the same way that men arenβt the primary intended beneficiaries of feminism, but part of the work of feminism is addressing and changing toxic masculinity. If youβre effective enough at changing the system, you change it for everyone.
(more discussion here)
To reiterate: One way that toxic masculinity is kept as the default pattern of behavior for straight men is that they are punished, quickly and efficiently, for any show of vulnerability. Dismantling the structures that enforce traditional gender roles is one way to ensure that LGBT people are welcomed in society.Β
The world would be much more accepting if Joe Cishet didnβt feel the need to correct every single deviation from the toxic behaviors he believes are required.
The curb cut effect is good yβall. Not bad.
Iβm stuck on βthe great queering projectβ
Queer theory usesΒ βto queerβ to meanΒ βto interpret in a way that causes something to depart from cisheteronormative societal standardsβΒ orΒ βto interpret as queerβ. It originated in literary and cultural criticism, but it can be used to describe the tangible social inroads LGBTQ+ people have made in dismantling cisheteronormativity itself.
Once again:
Queer is a coalition, not a demographic.
The purpose of the queer coalition is to end the practice of, βyou must have [X list of traits] to participate in these parts of society.β
Can cishet men be queer?
Why does it matter?
Being queer isnβt about what specific identity or traits you have. Itβs about saying, βHEY! Average isnβt the pinnacle of human existence! We didnβt build this world so everyone could strive to be just like their neighbors! People can be different and we can celebrate that difference, not shun it!β
Can a cishet man βbe queer?β I dunno. I donβt think thatβs important.
Can a cishet man βlive a queer life?β Hell yes he can.
Can a cishet woman βbe queer?β Wrong question.
Can a cishet woman βlive a queer life?β Hell yes.
These arenβt βstraight people appropriating queer culture.β Theyβre not taking it away from us, not picking and choosing bits of it to share with their cis het friends. These are people joining queer culture.
Theyβre not part of the LGBT community. They ARE part of the queer community.
this is a long-ish, text-heavy post but please read it, especially the last addition ^
Queer is a coalition, not a demographic.
^ This is why allies are part of the broader queer community while lesbian TERFs, exclusionists, etc. arenβt.
My momβs friend who corrects anyone who gets my siblingβs pronouns wrong, who actively supports queer kids in her classroom, who welcomed her daughterβs trans girlfriend into her family? She is part of the queer community regardless of her sexuality, and anyone who says she canβt be needs to think about their definition of community. And by the same definition, TERFs arenβt part of the community because they choose not to be, because trying to control other people and justify their own bitterness and bigotry is more important to them.
βCan cishet people be queer?β
Listen. Listen. In 2007, I went to see a gay performance artist named Tim Miller. At that time he did pieces talking about the two major issues that had affected him as a queer man: surviving the AIDS pandemic in the 1980s as his friends dropped dead around him, and the fact that he wanted to marry his partner, who was Australian, and every time said partner came to the US there was a concern heβd be deported because his relationship made him βa risk for overstaying his visa.β Marriage would have given him a green card, but guess what you couldnβt do in 2007! Even if you got married in Maryland, it didnβt count for immigration purposes because it wasnβt federally recognized.
So one of the stories he told that night was about his high school German teacher, who was a butch lesbian. He ended the story with a line I have never forgotten:
βThe queer kids, whether theyβre gay or straight, have to stick together.β
This was a performance piece heβd first written IN 1994.
So: a man who survived a queer genocide says yes, you fucking well CAN be cishet and queer. I think heβd know.
(If youβre wondering: yes, he and the partner did finally get to get married. Assuming theyβre both alive and well, theyβll celebrate 30 years in 2024.)
Ten years ago this October, I came out as Queer.
At the time, I identified as a cishet man, although I usually added some witty disclaimer like βbut Iβm not very good at itβ or βbut I donβt have a fucking complex about itβ or something like that. Queer was my way of a) showing support to the community that had been there for me my entire life, and b) ditching the vague qualifiers.
It would be another eight months before the implications of this really kicked in. I had gone to see my mother on her deathbed, and taken all of the needful stuff out of my purse and put it into my pockets. When I got back to the car, I started putting everything back in my purse, and I was grouchy about it, because I hate having lots of stuff in my pockets. And I said to myself I should have said screw it and just taken the purse in with me, because the only surprise would have been that I had the audacity to bring it with me, not that I had one.
And thatβs when it hit me that I was, in fact, Queer.
Since then itβs beenβ¦ a journey. I now identify as trans/non-binary, and there are times I suspect I may just be a woman, but I have such a poor grasp on gender that I really donβt know. Iβd never really thought about it before. Iβve come to realize that Iβve always had some level of body dysphoria, but I honestly donβt know if itβs connected to gender. (Itβ¦ doesnβt feel like it, but again, still not clear on the concept.) I did one of those face-app gender swap things and there was a weird ache looking at it.
And I wouldnβt have gotten this far if I hadnβt started with Queer. I wouldnβt have gotten this far if the Queer community hadnβt bumped into the little sissy nerd and gone βOh, hey, you can hang with us.β I wouldnβt have gotten this far if a huge chunk of the It Gets Better Project videos didnβt explicitly go out of their way to say βAnd all of this is for the nerds, too, and the weirdos, and the folks who are always told they donβt belong.β
You can have my Queer when you reincarnate as a quicker shot.
Oh shit that last line.
Yeah, a lot to think about here.
