[icon description: a round yellow sign with plain black text reading: Struggle like you are stuck in a tar pit. end description.] [header description: a line drawing of coelacanth with some hearts around it. end description.] i don't want a childhood, i want to be a ballet dancer. you never have to credit me if you put my descriptions into posts or alt text, im happy for you to take them. i don't tag spoilers. undescribed posts are tagged #undescribed. i tag all video posts as #video.
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obviously clear why "tomorrow belongs to me" and "if you could see her through my eyes" are the Nazi Songs of cabaret that make everyone uncomfortable, butttt the #fanfavorites "willkommen" & "cabaret" that have been divorced from context to be big Theatre Rocks numbers are crucially also nazi songs. its the whole point of the musical, how it can be embedded into anything, anywhere, it can be your entertainment and what you love. leave your troubles outside, whats good permitting some prophet of doom to wipe every smile awayyy. its so great it makes me so uncomfortable to sing these songs and love it i love CABARET
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another huge piece of advice: separate out 'tidying', 'cleaning' and 'organising' in your head. they're not the same thing and a lot of paralysis and overload comes from either misidentifying what your space needs, or trying to do all of them at once with conflicting goals.
TIDYING means clearing space, making your environment orderly and inviting. it usually entails removing clutter from surfaces, clearing the floor so you can move around easily, and creating psychological ease by putting everything visibly in its place. It's very visual, and can also involve things like straightening picture frames, squaring pillows, folding blankets on the couch, etc. It reduces chaos and noise and makes a space comfortable.
ORGANISING means sifting through belongings, ensuring that what doesn't need to be kept is thrown out and what does need to be kept is kept well. This often means categorising by room and function – teaspoons go in the teaspoon drawer, and the teaspoon drawer stays in the kitchen. It can also mean indexing things so you can find them easily (markers sorted by colour, paperwork divided into topical folders, books alphabetised) and preserving things (moving photos out of direct sunlight, keeping open flour in a sealed container, sleeving trading cards).
CLEANING means removing built up dirt, dust and grime, reducing the level of environmental contaminants and making your space sanitary. Bacteria are a fact of life, they love to hang out in dust and cling to pet hair and multiply on any given surface. Cleaning is how you keep that stuff in check, preventing it from building up to the point it affects your health. This means wiping frequently touched surfaces with disinfectant, sanitising utensils (doing the dishes), washing bedding and clothes (and yourself), and sweeping/vacuuming and taking out the trash to physically remove dirt from your home.
Tidying is not the same thing as organising – shove the mail, bills, dirty teaspoons and your gardening gloves in a drawer, and you've tidied the table. Sort the paperwork into piles by deadline, put the teaspoons in a cup, and roll the gloves together so they don't get separated, and the table is untidy but organised.
Similarly, a tidy or organised space can still be filthy. Just because all the yellowed newspapers and trash bags are sorted by date in the basement, out of sight, doesn't mean they're clean. A chaotic, cluttered space can still be very sanitary if it's being kept clear of refuse, and wiped and dusted often.
Sometimes tidying makes your space less organised, and vice versa. Organising often shakes out a lot of dust and makes the space dirtier. The classic "it's even worse than when I started" feeling is often the result of going into a room with the intent of tidying, then actually starting the task of organising instead. It's a lot easier to tidy an organised space, and organising first is usually the right instinct, but the distinction isn't intuitive so the sudden cluttering effect can be really demoralising. Remember they're three different things with different goals. Sometimes they overlap, but sometimes they conflict. That doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
I've been meaning to make a post talking about my stroke because y'all got bits and pieces of the recovery but I never actually told the story of HOW it went down and the thing is the type of stroke I had is usually the type young people have and since having mine i've now heard multiple stories of people under 40 having very similar strokes and the scary thing is, is that they didn't get help right away. Because you're young and healthy and sure you feel weird but it'll pass right? but it doesn't, and it gets worse, and by the time you get to the hospital (some people literally take days to go) the deficits are worse and recovery is harder.
so here's a super long post about strokes in general, and mine in particular/what I went through.
So for strokes the signs are abbreviated BE FAST. Balance loss, Eyesight changes, Face drooping, Arm weakness, Speech difficulty, -> Time to call 911.
Had I known those MAYBE I would have figured it out but my symptoms were a little mixed. I was reading (fanfic!) in bed because it was a sunday morning and i had nothing pressing to do and suddenly got dizzy. I put my laptop aside because my eyes were blurring (Eyesight changes - symptom #1), and laid down, thinking it would pass, it didn't, it's a little vague how it progressed because I'd been having headaches and neckpain for about 3 weeks leading up to it so I was like 'idk is this a migraine?' (headaches can be a stroke symptom so symptom #2) but i got nauseous and eventually got up and to my utmost surprise I immediately fell over as if I was the drunkest of frat bros. The room literally spun before my eyes as I fell to the floor (Balance loss - symptom #3). I have had some Nights and I had never been that unsteady before. I crawled my way to the bathroom, threw up (nausea - not a common stroke symptom) , took 800mg of ibuprofen, and crawled back to bed.
if you know anything about ibuprofen you might know it's a mild blood thinner and that's a high dose. I may have inadvertently helped myself with that one. I was just feeling like shit and thinking 'idk this might help'
At this point I still thought we were still in Normal Land. Sure, it was a weird morning, but Surely There Was A Reason. (Yes There Was) Anyway, as I'm lying there willing my body to stop suffering I realize my arm is going numb (stroke symptom #4) and I switch positions, because weird, but it doesn't go away, and I gave it a good little while. I'm on a medication that can make my limbs tingle but it usually just does it to my fingers and it dissipates quickly but this wasn't dissipating, and then I realized one of my legs was also going numb. Then one side of my face is going numb.
(at the time I did not look in the mirror but I had a drooping eyelid - symptom #5)
Those all seem bad. I grab my computer and google 'when to go to the hospital for dizzyness' as that felt like the worst of my problems. and indeed the list I found highlighted that if you are also experiencing loss of balance, blurred vision, nausea, and limb numbness, you should see a doctor. That seems like far too many symptoms to be having all to be listed. I grab my phone (thankfully plugged in and by my bed), and start layering on more clothing because it's about 10 degrees out and i'm in a pajama dress. The very nice man at 911 talks with me and sends an ambulance, I tell him I don't think I can get out the front door of my building on my own and he asks if I can get to MY apartment door to which I say yes and he assures me that's fine they will have keys to my building.
(I have been since informed they love to chop down doors but no, I could get that far)
I wait by my door laying down on the ground and they arrive pretty quickly. They see to me in the hallway, which is more of a lobby in my building and the only place with room for me to lie down (I cannot stand unassisted at this point) they ask me a bunch of questions, take vitals, and ask me where I would like to be taken. Me, having never had to go to the fucking hospital in an emergency before, simply go 'wherever is close' because I again, I am having a stroke and do not have the wherewithal to think through these things.
A big firefighter helps me down the stairs (it's only a half flight and I still almost did not make it) and we get underway.
At the hospital they wheel me into triage and I mostly lie there gratefully and answer some questions and respond to some tests (grip strength, following a pen with my eyes, that sort of thing) and then I hear what is great when you've been at urgent care for two hours but what is Very Bad when you just arrived in an ambulance and that's 'She's next'. I jumped the line for a CT scan and an MRI. I was there less than ten minutes before I was actively being scanned. honestly closer to five.
my active symptoms seem to have been worse than some of the stories I've heard, not being able to walk AT ALL in particular, although some other are pretty equal (Footless Jo on youtube had a stroke around the same time I did of the same type and has discussed hers, she delayed going in despite the severity for a variety of reasons and it sounds like her recovery has been difficult) My recovery was pretty easy because i was actively being cared for and on blood thinners right away. I was pretty out of it in the beginning, but I was only in the hospital for 6 days and then in a rehab for another 4 to relearn how to walk and balance, then i was released unto the world and just spent time going to physical therapy and recovering for awhile. I was out of work for about 8 weeks total. I basically had the best outcome for a stroke. I recovered almost fully back to 100% (I'm about 2% less sure footed than I used to be, but it's rarely noticeable), my face still feels a little weird but has markedly improved so I live in hope it will eventually get back to normal. It massively sucked. But strokes can fuck you up for life and I came out a weird medical story to tell and have to take some extra medication now/precautions to take (i cannot do certain types of yoga, no weightlifting, no push ups, no going on rollercoasters.... things that could strain my neck essentially) but overall I escaped very lucky.
For anyone who has ever had covid before, please be sure you are aware of stroke symptoms. Each successive infection raises the risk in a pretty major way, and a lot of people are dying young due to not knowing these signs or being afraid to act on them. Please take care of yourselves.
My wife had a stroke a couple years ago at like 40 (also possibly a covid thing, their BP wasn’t high and it wasn’t an obstruction thing) with basically no lasting symptoms. But we both have psych related degrees and decent insurance at the time so the MOMENT I saw the asymmetrical face droopiness I was on the phone with 911, followed by friends in the area who could stay home with kiddo. By the time the ambulance arrived they couldn’t walk. Now they’re back to exercise and almost all our old usual activities.
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they were joking in the short rest about the killscreens making a combination statue/video game for slug, aux and atom but it is something to me the idea that the killscreens reuse and honor atom's body by integrating it into the arcade somehow. like nothing in neo-galaderon is truly holy but there is somethinggggg to me about kids in the arcade and little luck rituals, bouncing a copper piece or a token off the rim of atom's display screen, a little arcade blessing from the robot that cared so deeply about the prize counter
one of my killjoy opinions on writing deaf characters is that most hearing people vastly, vastly overestimate how many people are willing to learn sign language to communicate with a deaf loved one
like tbc, i don't think that writing deaf characters whose hearing family members and friends all learned sign language to communicate with them is like. Bad, exactly. to me it's the deaf equivalent of a story where a character comes out as trans and 100% of the people in their life accept them and they face no societal issues from their transition at all: no, it's not necessarily realistic, but it can be a very nice little fantasy to play around in. i just think it's important to know that's what you're doing, yknow?
for reference, i was first diagnosed as deaf around a decade ago. i immediately told everyone in my (pretty large) family and all of my friends about this, and specifically told them that my audiologist told me that my hearing IS likely to worsen over time, so if they wanna make sure they can always communicate with me, they should learn ASL
in the ten years since that happened, exactly one person (my spouse) has learned any ASL at all. my parents haven't. my siblings haven't. my grandparents haven't. my friends haven't. my in-laws haven't. the universal "deaf with hearing family" experience is sitting at a restaurant table surrounded by your loved ones, staring off into a corner because you can't understand anything but you know everyone will view YOU as the rude one if you like get on your phone or pull out a book or something. my hearing today is much worse than it was 10 years ago. i have had to make my peace with the fact that in another 10 years i will probably lose my ability to communicate face-to-face with my entire family because none of them are willing to take the time to learn the only language i'll one day be able to communicate in. this is not a unique or uncommon experience. every single deaf person i know with hearing family members relates to this.
Human beings b like. *sits and stares peacefully at a fire* *sits and stares peacefully at the ocean* *sits and stares peacefully at a sleeping animal*
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it’s crazy to me that every seed in existence is a little chemical computer taking readings of temperature and moisture and minerals and all that to see if it’s able to grow yet and they’re doing crazy stuff like going into full dormancy and waiting for species-specific conditions etc etc and some seeds will do this in the size of a dust particle (see: orobanche) and some will pack in extra starch and food and do it in the size of a coconut or something… just dissected this flower seed at work that was a woody two-compartment capsule with one embryo per compartment, the whole seed a little smaller than a dime, and I swear to god it had a full soybean’s worth of embryo and food packed in there. it’s just unfathomable to me
sometimes a seed strikes me as being like a little spaceship with on-board life support and stuff. all that’s inherently certain about a seed’s existence is that its parents survived nearby, presumably, so if all goes well it’ll be set up for some kind of success falling where it falls, but ideally the seed won’t see those exact conditions, because being too close could also hurt the seed’s chances of survival… as could being too far away, like if it ends up in a different habitat or ecosystem and the right conditions never happen. The whole food-on-board strategy was a huge buff when they patched it in after ferns and other spore-bearing plants, but it’s still basically outer space, right? Just deploying a hundred ships to different planets in the same star system, hoping it’s not so different down there that it’s unsurvivable? like every seed is a chance and different plants are putting different amounts of food, effort, and strategy into those chances. so you get a million different seeds from a million different species and they all look and act different from the ground up. you know what I mean, man. you know what I’m sayin
dont think about big minnie post-finale in aux's workshop in the arcade, surrounded by broken machines and motorcycle parts, who now has no choice but to learn by trial and error and missing the sound of aux showing her how to fix the machines
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