I have lost the ability to pretend I'm not angry with all of these nurses. I was confronted with exactly how negligent and dangerous my situation is, on literally dozens of levels. There are more factors here that could turn deadly in a matter of hours or days than I can even count any more.
Never mind such fantastical concepts as 'dignity,' 'comfort', or 'quality of life.' This situation is not physically survivable in the long term. And no one will be held accountable. It will be framed as an inevitable result of my illness. It is not.
Losing the ability to conceal my anger will hasten the process. The moment I show frustration in my tone, they turn sullen on me and withdraw or delay care. I do not insult them, I do not swear at them, I do not yell or do anything inappropriate. I sometimes say, in exhausted and aggravated tone, that they are hurting me. This is so unacceptable that a nurse just quit over it, calling me "very very mean," according to the agency.
Everyone who is remotely competent at this job has said that they like me and they like working here. The tension only builds with caregivers who are abusive or seriously negligent, and who take the situationally appropriate frustration of an extremely sick person as an affront to their identities as perfect martyr angel nurses.
It's possible that I am being unkind in ways I cannot perceive. Maybe I am actually terrible and just have surrounded myself with people who will take my side. But even terrible people don't deserve this.
I am working on yet another escape plan but it's tenuous and relies on people who are either untried, or have a decades long history of being unhelpful.
