a story

A herd of common aquatic springtails (Sminthurides aquaticus) in Hertfordshire, UK

Today is my birthday 🌱

I will be grateful for the repost ~

"One type, Shane Hollander, my Asian baby girl."

"I am not a girl."

"My Asian baby boy," Shane makes a face at that, "Not a baby," he grumbles, and then burrows further into Ilya's chest like a baby otter. "My Asian boy?" Ilya offers at last. Shane sighs like he's praying for strength before replying, "Sure, I'll take it. You already call me your Wasian."

see, now i want to blow ilya up. if i saw an interracial couple and the yt guy is calling you his "wasian" i'm gonna assume you hate yourself.

sorry you are braver than me because if i read this i would be fighting the unwise urge to send the author hate mail what the fuck is this????? serious question does the rest of the text make it seem like you're supposed to find this questionable bc the way it's presented is so puzzlingly neutral as if the author not aware that this is a bonkers exchange to put in

also this might be an insane sentence for ME to type but after the initial ???? my kneejerk reaction to reading this was like. shane heatedrivalry does not strike me as someone who hangs out with other asian or wasian people enough to know/use the word especially within the timeline of the show. also capitalizing the W is crazy

also thank you for sending me this ask because it did send me down a little rabbit hole of revisiting the ratio of times on the show that other people covertly or explicitly comment on shane's race vs. times that shane specifically acknowledges his race/articulates a sense of it which has been super fascinating! like it's really interesting that a lot of what we get is him either acknowledging or declining to acknowledge subtextual allusions to his race (e.g. "a lot of kids are going to be looking up to you" vs. "i don't really think about that stuff") where he sort of won't engage explicitly with the concept (admittedly for a host of reasons and i don't mean this as a condemnation). and also very interesting that we get him totally leaving his body during the draft day convo about How Great the team rep thinks it is that he's asian-i -mean-asian-canadian¹. the main explicit acknowledgements we get from shane are when he meets rose and the exchange he has with ilya about his parents which is like. EYE at least always get annoyed when being mixed race gets talked about as a locus of hotness, even when it's done flippantly, so i also did not find this so charming if i'm honest. but anyway yeah it strikes me as another part of his identity that he can only really think about or experience in a limited number of ways. it does seem like it's another thing that would make the environment he's in more complex to experience/navigate so i expect he would probably compartmentalize it as much as possible. anyway sorry i'm done thank you for telling me about something absolutely insane which is always low-key my favorite type of exchange. and also stream stickhandling and enforcer by moonlitgarden while we're here

___________________________

felt like reposting crystal

domestic transgender furry life + silly doodle

(she/her for Hitomi the cat)

Timeline:

I join my first DnD campaign in 2015

Make Terra -- a changeling/vampire character who's supposed to be just a fun chaos character

I'm autistic and Terra becomes my main hyperfixation, far beyond hyperfixations of the past

Terra turns out to be the manifestation of my subconsciousness and their existence/working on their backstory is one of the most important stepping stones in helping me get out of my abusive relationship (long story)

I realize I have a love for writing and their backstory gradually becomes a novel

Novel writing is used as a very important tool in processing and dealing with my c-PTSD

I use Terra as a vessel to deal with a lot of emotions I wouldn't otherwise be ready to deal with, both in writing, roleplay, and day-to-day life. The character has become so much more than just a DnD character to me and actively helps me function and survive

Not a day goes by where I don't either think about or work on the novel(s) on some way

Timeskip a few years forwards

Be me, still haven't gotten any proper PTSD therapy despite knowing I've had PTSD for over 5 years (Only had fragmented light PTSD therapy, and mostly anxiety and depression therapy)

Between 2021-2023 I hyperfixate on DID (because I discover there is a lot of overlap between PTSD and DID)

Learned a lot of great things about PTSD from DID research, and it helped me compartmentalize and feel more in control some things that had been controlling me

Starts questioning if Terra is an alter (Spoiler: they're not, I'm just very autistic about them, but...)

Realizes that while Terra is not an alter, spending a solid decade using them as a vessel to deal with my trauma has lead to the character being More Than Just A Character to me, and they feel very real to me (while still fully knowing at the end of the day this is just my main hyperfixation character)

Fast forward to today

Sorting through hours upon hours of old novel notes

Comes across many notes I'd forgotten I'd written of the main villain -- the villain who's based on my abuser. Notes include a lot of dialogue that still holds up as well-written, manipulative and creepy

While trying to get into a sold workflow of sorting through notes, I keep regularly getting interrupted by Terra when reading the villains dialogue, causing me to shout out loud, in-character as Terra, things like "Oh shut the FUCK UP!" "Well that's a fucking lie!" "Uuuugh🤮!", "THAT'S NOT MY NAME DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT!" and so on, while reading the villain's lines.

Also at several times i have to pause to calm down Terra so I can keep working (while I'm feeling perfectly fine might I add). Most common thing for me to say is "It's alright. Look, I know you hate him but I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE!"

Remembers that these books are taking so long to write because every time I try to work on something related to the villain I keep getting interrupted by my own fucking character

I am well aware that Terra is just my brain's way of shielding myself from PTSD-related feelings, since going into character as them is what I've used as my main coping mechanism for a solid decade straight. I do think it is fun and comforting to have this character help me though